Love Lost

[SoCopasetic]

I am the parent of a teen who has lost a boyfriend just over one week ago. My daughter is 18, her boyfriend would be 19 April 9th.

Let me tell you about this young man. He had a very tough life, but always had a smile on his face and had the biggest heart a person could have. Even though his life was hard he was open to giving and receiving love. He was born to a Father that was drug addicted. He loved his Mother, she was his strength. At some point she fell into drinking and taking pills to cope. She passed away when he was 9. He was being raised by his Father in a state where his extended family did not live. He told me that he would sit on the floor as his Father was strung out and pray that his Father would not OD. As sick as his Father was, he loved him and had already lost his Mother. Other times his Father would disappear for weeks and this young man said he thought he would die of starvation. His extended family fought though the courts to get custody of him, he moved in with his Grand Mother in our state. Believe it or not, it took them years. He struggled there far to long.

My daughter was one of the first to welcome him into his new school. He later told me he knew he knew he cared for her at first sight. They became fiends, and eventfully became best friends. He was ashamed about how he was brought up, he was also using pills as an escape. His self esteem was low. Over the years of the friendship I watched his boy grow into a young man that had goals, hope for his future. He loved and respected my daughter as she should have been. He loved her with his whole heart. Through their friendship he had been using less and less often. I have to say that when he used he never did so around my daughter. He knew she wanted more for him, and he knew it hurt her. They began dating a year and 7 months ago after years of friendship. He was fighting a good fight ... looking forward to prom, walking across that stage and graduating, as well as planning a career for the future. We were all very proud of him! Just three weeks ago he told me he was happy. Maybe more happy than he had ever been in his life.

Last Sunday this young man shoveled snow for his Grandparents most of the day, went with his Grand Father and helped with chores around the house that were hard for his elder Grandparents to complete. He was always helpful and respectful. The next day my daughter began calling. He was sleeping late and that was not a normal thing. By early afternoon my daughter called and requested that someone wake him up. His Uncle put the phone down then came back to say. I have to call you back, he's dead. Her heart is broken. This young man had taken some pills, passed out, and suffocated. She does not blame herself, but that does not make the pain any easier to deal with. We all know that he wanted to live, he wanted to kick this habit he used as an escape. We all know he deserved a better life for himself. He was a good soul. Loving, caring, and thoughtful of others.

I watched my daughter collect herself and start making calls to their friends. Just as I had watched my Mother do years ago when my Father passed. In all her weakness she was strong. I watched her at her boyfriends funeral stand up and let the room know that this young man had a purpose, not to walk away without thinking of the good and bad that he has given to anyone that knew him. And that he taught each of us lesson's we shouldn't forget. I watched her tell the world not to measure him by the way he died ... but measure him by the way he made a room light up when he entered it, how he always had a smile on his face, caring words for others even when he was struggling with issues himself.

The first four days after his death were hard for me to watch her. She cried non stop for the first 30 some odd hours until she finally sleep. She was sick to her stomach and couldn't eat for days. I kept her home from school that week. My son had told me that this young man always walked my daughter to every class before going to his own. She went back to school yesterday and I know it was hard. Its half way through the school year and she has to deal with the loss and grief and still earn the right to walk across that stage at graduation. Prom for her is out of the question.

How do I best help my daughter threw this? Where do I begin?




I know that some may judge this young man. I know some may judge me for not pulling my daughter away from him. Some have judged my daughter for her standing by him and assumed she was also a user. But he worked hard at having a better life and was worth good friends and love from others to lift him up and help him through. My daughter nor my family regrets any moment of time we spent with him. He deserved more than he got from this life.

[Luka3]

Dear SoCopasetic,

How said it is to hear your story.

This young man fought hard against the odds to better his life and was on his way until this horrible accident. He was not a "bad" person because he took pills. It is sad, however, that the addiction that so overwhelmed his parents carried its legacy on his his life.

You and your daughter can feel proud that you welcomed him into your lives without judgment. I am sure if he could he would say "thank you".

No words can take the pain away right now. Allowing your daughter to feel what she needs to is the only option. I am glad that you allowing her time to ease back into life. Maybe you and she can check out a Nar-Anon meeting.

I hope that you will encourage her to read the posts here. So many of us have lost (or are about to lose) someone because of addiction.

My own situation is one in which I am waiting for the phone call telling me my sister has died. She is an end-stage alcoholic with many, many medical complications. She refuses all substance abuse treatment and is routinely brought to ICU by ambulance only to check herself out as soon as possible to resume drinking. Her doctors have said she has very little time left.

I don't know what is worse - losing someone unexpectedly, or waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Just know that I, and others here, can relate to your pain and care very much. I hope you and your daughter continue to post.

Luka 3

[catlovermi]

Dear SoCopasetic,

Hugs to you, and your daughter.

Could you seek out a local Nar-Anon group and ask them if there are any grief support groups in your locale for people grieving substance abusers? I've found that finding true peers, especially in the grieving process, helps an incredible amount.

The only way past grief is through it, so finding a support group where you feel understood, and where you could eventually talk out your grief and get it processed, would really facilitate getting through the process. It is individual to each person.

I especially remember a great quote that helped me:

We grieve alone, but we heal in community.

This board is lighter traffic than most. If you post in the friends and family of substance abusers, you will get an outpouring of support from them, and many of them have experienced the death of a loved addict. They just tend to hang out over there, on that board, because there is more traffic. It would be fine for you to bring this topic up on that board, too.

I am so sorry for your loss, and your family's pain,

CLMI

[Maggiemac]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son to addiction 11-19-08 I loved this child more than life itself and miss him even more. He was also one who could put a smile on everyones face. He was a person who took the wrong path but he was loved by many.
I will keep you in my prayers tonight.
A friend,
Maggiemac

[frankly]

((SoCopasetic))

What a sad story. I'm proud of your daughter, and I don't even know her. I'm sure you are proud of her too. I know you want to just hold onto some of that pain for her, but can't. Just being there for her, reminding her of how proud you are and how much you love her, that is worth more than anything else out there.

Sending Love, Hugs and Prayers
B

[lilmami]

Hi I am so very sad for your daughter and your familys loss.This story is so so similar to my own.I met my partner as your daughter did as friends for a long time I knew he had used and he started to cut it down quite dramatically.We became a couple and I had never been happier!What a gentleman I had found!We were so so happy we were 18 and planned our lives together.I fell pregnant after over a year and we decided to keep the baby as he had been told he couldn't father children and we thought this was our chance to have a child naturally!I will forever be thankfull we didn't make the other choice.I was 8 months pregnant and he had left for work (he drove trucks) about 45 mins after he left I could hear sirens and kept trying to call to see if he was ok,just had a feeling in my gut you know?I went to bed for a few more hous and when I woke my mum turned up to tell me he had been in an accident and a needle ahd been found in his pocket.I can never express the utter dread and hollowness I felt at that point in time.My daughter is 9 this year and is such a beautiful amazing little gorl.I truly believe she saved me.Just be there it is all you can do.I would have days where I basically couldn't function and my mum was just there,she didn't tell me how to feel she just let me know she loved me and held me and listened to me.One thing that used to drive me nuts was people seemed uncomfortable talking about him and that was all I wanted to do for a while so let her talk and vent.You seem to be a loving mother and I am sure you will instinctivley know what your daughter needs.