what I wish

[bluerskies]

Mike,
I wish I would have let go earlier so that you would not have had to deal with the guilt of harming me and I would not have become so closed down to you. I wish I could understand what really motivated you. Were you weak, were you strong? Did you fight? Did that last relapse come easy?

I wish I could hold you and say I was sorry -- for abandoning you (I had to, there was no other way for me to survive, but I'm still sorry). I wish you happiness and peace, I hope everything you struggled through here on earth has some payoff where you are now. I hope it meant something.

I wish I had been able to get past seeing you in terms of how you related to me. After we had broken up I just felt like the best thing I could do was pull away so that you could move on with your life. More then anything I did not want to be the love of your life. I wanted you to find happiness again. I wish that they hadn't found those pictures of us in your apartment. I have them now, I wonder how many times you held them in your hands. I always knew that you still loved me. I'm sorry that I didn't love you like that anymore. I always felt like I was the one who betrayed you because I didn't love you the way you loved me anymore. But know that I did love you, the romantic side got pulled down with all the pain and suffering I went through. The core was always there.

It's strange, but I feel like, you can't have gone to some place bad. For all those terrible things you did and the people you hurt, I would still describe you as a good person. A good, loyal, loving person. One of the best people I ever knew. That is what I said to your mom at your funeral. I talked at your funeral Mike. The thing I always feared the most came true.

Sometimes I watch the dvd your family put together. You as a little boy, writing your name in the sand, your father who will abandon you stands near by. You a little older, glasses and a sweet smile, but something forming, the beginning of loss. You as a teenager, goofy, everyone around you laughing. You with me. In the beginning. The best time of your life, everyone says. You are breathtaking. Me holding your hand. You look calm. I remember the first time we fell asleep together you told me you felt safe with me. In this picture I see that feeling. You alone with your family on Christmas. Puffy, drugged, there -- real but not real, not you. You with your new wife. Getting married. You look so handsome. I never saw you in a suit. You told your sister that I should have been your best man/women. You with your babies. You look unsure. A father. You older then I knew you, with your mom. Two. And then nothing.

I am so sorry Mike. I had to move on with my life. I was dying in our relationship. I was terrified all the time, I was sick. I'm happier now. And I don't regret what we had anymore. I cherish it. Some parts I wish I had not had to experience, but I was lucky to experience life with someone who was so genuine.

I wish I could have seen you one last time. The night you called. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't want to see you when you were not sober and I had every right to that. It didn't mean that I didn't care about you. I just can't stop imagining how much that hurt you. It was so cold, snowy, no where for you to go. I feel so horrible about not answering the phone that night.

I wish you could have been one of the lucky ones, who found recovery. I'm sorry I have to live my life without your friendship. It was important to me. The last time we talked, I remembered feeling so good, just hearing your voice. There was a way you understood me that always made me feel like I was not alone in the world. I will miss you forever and I hope one day I will have the honor of meeting you again.

[Wolfstarr]

((((bluerskies)))))

[debmar]

Blue....you started and found your path to healing through your words above, and Mike is your angel now, and he soooo is in a better place, he will always listen to everything you say to him and he's thanking you right now for telling him how you feel....so glad you got that out

[Thanks2HP]

Beautiful words. I hope that you find healing.

I believe he is in a much better place, free of pain and suffering.