Oh God.....

[debmar]

I'm a wreck as i write this......an old friend i worked with yrs ago, tracked me down and i called him, very exicted to hear from him, as I tracked him down for Marty's funeral his Wife did not give him the message, we never were nothing but friends and I told her,

his call was to tell me is seperated from his wife, and he was missing old friends, and wanted to see me, he said he did'nt have enough money, so I offered him to crash here,

I just made him leave for a hotel few hours ago, and I AM DEVASTED, and crying my ass off,

He WAS a recovering cocaine addict and when he went to rehab yrs ago, he came out turned his life around and rec'd his Masters and became A professor at a college, got married had children and I was so proud and happy for him,

He was the one who took Marty to his very first AA meeting and helped pave the road to Marty's recovering and rehab

so we have been best friends and I love him so much for all he did, when Marty would take off on me or problems he was there,

so I owed him to stay here and was excited over a 15 or longer little reunion, and to pick his spirits up over his seperation

I was NOT going to drink wine in front of him, although I have a bar, he told me he has no problem with me having wine,

he gets here and says your going to be disappointed, but I do have some beers from time to time, so he wanted a drink, I so go ahead then, he asked me for a Vicodin because his legs were cramped up from the drive, I said are you sure? I said you can't have that, he told me a DR put him on Cimbalta and some valium and ambien, I said you take that he said, yes I have for a long time now for the aniexty I was suffering while teaching class he was having panic attacks, ok....

Who I am to tell another, he said besides I WAS not addicted to alcohol or pills, I told him, it did'nt effing matter, I did speak my codependent peace, lol

Well, he knocked out a small bottle of absolute and then hit my next bottle of vodka, I get up and he's pouring a drink, ok, we were supposed to be having fun, I was treating him to dinner

He wanted to go visit my mom, I knew she was exicted to see him and no matter how many mints he chewed she was gonna know, I tried to not take him over there, he insisted, I had talked to him before he came here, telling him how sick my mom is with her botched knee replacement and she takes Vikes, and btw, the pill I thought I was giving him was not vicodin and whatever it was he did'nt take it,

he knew I had clonanzepam that I take here and he said he took them before and it did'nt help him, I said he works great for me, so he did'nt ask me for them

Go to Mom's, she smells him, takes me aside, I fill her in, and he goes to use her bathroom, and the two of us, were on pins,

We leave my Mom calls me, saying he took her entire bottle of Vikes, her klonies, and some sleeping pills,

He was talking in circles at her house badly, we leave I decided we better eat pizza, and he says he's not hungry,

I confronted him in the car, I said YOU HAVE RELASPSED AND NEED TREATMENT NOW, he denied stealing the pills, and was so stoned he was telling me to take a road that exists in HIS town, not mine

I took us for pizza because I needed to eat and I did'nt know what to do with him, all I know is I could NOT have an addict who stole in my house, he might have even stolen something from my house, I have no idea

WHY....am I devasted....Oh My God...Guilt of making him leave, feeling like I let him down,

BUT MOST OF ALL OH MY GOD HE IS GONNA DIE and I can't believe I'm gonna loose another one, my best friend I ever had

I gave the speach, your gonna loose your wife, your gonna loose your great job and status, and pulled everything I quote and apply to my life I learned in Marty's open meetings

I was talking to a wall, he is in a fog, I told him, don't LIE to me, just tell me you took the pills,

I can't help him, and he has brought a flood of emotion all back tremoring through my body, knowing he's gonna be my Marty

Dammit, addiction is such an effing curse, I feel horrible for every addict, because life is hard enough for us non addicts

and the longer they are sober, as I seen in Marty, the longer they forget, Marty thought he could just do one line

For all of you who know me on here, YES I WAS EVEN GONNA PULL THAT 911 TAPE OUT OF THAT FIREPROOF SAFE AND PLAY IT SO HE CAN HEAR MARTY DYING AND MOANING A HORRIBLE DEATH, he did'nt want to hear it

He told me when he arrived at the hotel, that he did'nt expect to be here alone, well

While packing his bag, he kept asking me, why are you making me leave, I did not go over the pills again, he was high on the valium, I told him that he brought me high emotions that I needed to be alone at my house

I told him, he can call me, I will not leave him in that way,

but I could cry a river again,

because I know he is gonna die...

Please keep my friend in your prayers, it's bad enough if something happens to him tonight, you know I will take blame for this,

My mother has already given me the talking to, that I have nothing to do with what he's been doing, I still feel I let him down, and I don't want him to loose his wife or job or.....

his life

Thanks for listening

[Jadmack25]

Dear Debbie, you thought you were just catching up with an old friend, and you are not in any way to blame for his relapse or the stealing he did.

You did just what I would have done in the same terrible situation, seen he had a roof for the night and left him to it. What he does is his business and his responsibility, it is not yours.

I realise it is silly to expect you not to worry about him, because you are a caring person and will worry anyway, but leave him in God's hands. Maybe your swift action will be just what he needs to get help and get back to recovery.

God bless

[indigo]

You did what you thought was best, now it's up to him, it's your time for peace you've already suffered enough, I am very sorry my heart goes out to you.

[splendra]

Sorry to read to read this ((((Deb)))). I will pray for your friend. Still remember no matter what happens you are not to blame...

[CatsPajamas]

((( deb )))

It's not your fault. You did what most people would do, you opened your home to an old friend.

You can also do what you know how to do, and that's tell him you care about him, that you know where he can find help if he wants it, and then DETACH yourself... you can't save him but you can save you.

Big hugs. This must have been very difficult for you.

[debmar]

I just had to post, being so many don't know my entire story, when my husband was laying blue dying, that is the moment, i learned as a codie, I was NEVER meant to save him, and trust me, I am not trying to save this man, in fact, unfortunatley, and I don't want to post my real feelings about addicts and thoughts, I'll put it into easy words, they have a short life span, getting sober is not a cure for this disease, and straying from their program as he did, is a death sentence, so I have already been mourning is upcoming death, as oppose to "saving" him, which is never possible. The longer the recovery, the higher risk for relapse, espcially when meetings become few and between as they become "normal", forgetting they have cancer and need their treatment. I did'nt want to post this tough attitude, but I was offended by the person who told me to save myself, I HAVE, I have been dating, and one popped in my inbox, admitted he was a recovering addict and alcoholic, AND I WON'T GO THERE WILLING AGAIN.....I am saved, Now if my husband was back tomarrow, I'd be right there loving and caring for him, but only him. To the kind friends who know me in this forum, thank you again for your words and support with my emotions