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Old 10-08-2008, 08:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Losing someone to addiction

How many people here have lost someone to an addiction? What are your thoughts on that loss? Has time given you any perspective or does it always feel like a terrible waste? What was the person you lost like?
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Old 10-09-2008, 11:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Meant the world to me, full of fun, the world is a little colder and always will be without them. I can now look back on the good times though and it makes me feel comforted.
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Old 10-09-2008, 06:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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blue, i was tring to find the first post i did on this site, it got lost in the great update! ugh...

i came here to post on my GF's death, a great lady from this site that addiction won out with...

what i have found, then, and stil now...

God takes people in Gods time, newborns, young children, middle age age people, as trish... old people, tragic deaths, those are the really hard ones to swallow... and my sponsor recently...

we have a choice, to remember the good, the love, the caring, and the happiness... for if there was none of that, we wouldnt feel a loss...

we can cry and grieve, just not blame, nor have guilt...

or renew the subscription to the Grief Gazzette...

i believe in the spirit, and the spirit of the soul of the departed...

their good memorys will live on...

rz
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Old 10-09-2008, 07:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Zippy well said

I lost two people to addiction-My father and My first love (Not my husband)....

My father was a Doctor but yet drank and drank when he was not busy in the OR helping save lifes of others- it was sad that the drinking and smoking caught up to his heart-My father was not a man of many words-but loved us very much-My fondest memory of him will always be him sitting on my bed when I was young reading me a story and then kissing me goodnight. (Probably why I love that saying "Always kiss me goodnight")

My first love...we remained friends-for years long after I was with him..he married/divorced....I married my husband (not an addict and was killed on the job burned to death at age 22 and only 3 months of marriage (We were best friends since 7th grade but did not date until after High School) anyway "Nick" came to me when my husband died and showed me comfort-he was an amazing man filled with so much pain inside-he knew how to show love and care and support to others but not to himself. His girlfriend of 8 years ended up back with her old boyfriend and .....

I got a phone call that Nick had been found in a hotel with vodka and pills...my heart broke shattered in to 1000 pieces. He is burried up in the same cemetary as my husband-he is out of pain and I was blessed to have him in my life although he never found recovery as so many have-He was gentle, caring man and I will remember a lot of great happy things that he and I shared-When I use to ride my horse he use to throw snowballs at me! I know I know silly but was funny ....I remember him coming to my home after my husband died and sitting up with me till 3 am just holding me and reminising the happy things of my husband-keeping me up beat as he could. I ran into him 3 weeks before he did this to himself and he said to call him! I think back and regreted not calling him within those 3 weeks-however with recovery it has taught me that even if I did make that call it probably would not have directed his choice....I was blessed to have these men in my life-to have loved them, cared for them and blessed to know that they are in God's hands now where they belong.

I love what Zippy has said above as he has gone through this pain too....

Life goes on without those we love until then we make our lives the best that we can! They would want it that way-
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Old 10-10-2008, 06:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I lost someone who I considered a soulmate to alcohol addiction. It was/is the most shattering experience of my life. He was young, brilliant, cocky, a romantic, a gentleman, a daredevil, a fantastic writer and director, stubborn as hell, hated mediocrity, loved to challenge your thinking, and was a wonderful friend.

He died almost a year ago.

I've never too cared for the phrase 'what a waste' because to me it implies like the person's life was in vain or not worthwhile or something, even though I know the intent is usually in reference to the potential that lay ahead. Considering the tremendous positive impact he had on my life and so many others, for me his life was never a waste. I don't think he fully realized how much he was truly loved and worthy of such love.

I don't know about perspective but I know that time and the help of good friends has helped a lot, certainly with the guilt of feeling that there was more I could've done. That's when the real 'missing' begins and I don't know or think that is something you can ever get over but I know that living life for the future rather than in the past is the only way to go.

Like Rusty said, you do realize that life is filled with sometimes incomprehensible tragedies to persons of all ages. Not that it makes any loss easier but it helps you to understand that clearly there some things in life that are beyond anyone's control, whether addiction is an aspect of their lives or not.

I know that I do and will sometimes regress the dark days of what ifs and how surely it must have been preventable but I know that he would never ever want to see me in any pain and would want me to move forward and realize my potential no matter how hard, as he believed in and loved me as much as I believed in and loved him.

I also try to take comfort in the fact that he is no longer struggling from the hellhole of addiction.

Longer answer than I thought but hope it helps.
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Old 10-10-2008, 07:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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i lost my girlfriend to heroin overdose back in 06. i still struggle with it to this day. a lot. time really hasn't fixed it, but it has made it somewhat easier to deal with. it's easier to talk about now whereas a few years ago i never wanted to talk with anyone about it. and i when i think about her now, my first thought isn't using like it used to be. angela will always be in my heart and in my mind, and i will never forget the time we spent together. the drugs made life hell for both of us, but there were so many good times too. she was such a remarkable person who could light up a room with her smile. she had a way of calming me down like no one else could, just by saying a few words. and even through all the sh*t she had gone through, she still could see the best in people. thats the thing that i loved most about her. i know if she was here today she would be really happy that i'm sober. she probably would have started going to meeting with me. i'm trying hard to honor her memory by keeping myself away from the sh*t that took her life. still love her, always will.
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Old 10-12-2008, 01:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Mike.....I must say, I admire you and live my Life like you....."LIVING TO MAKE MY HUSBAND PROUD OF ME TODAY" that I am trying hard to make it without him and keep his legacy alive in the biz we shared.....You are so wonderful taking on the attitude you have despite the horrible pain this brings "us" I love your tender open honest speaking of your relationship with Angela, she is SO the "wind beneath your wings" to fly sober, I promise you that, and hey dude, SHE KNOWS YOUR SOBER BABY!!!!!!!!!! Your friend, Deb
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Old 10-12-2008, 02:04 AM   #8 (permalink)
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There is no such thing as a "Waste", if my husband did'nt come into my life, I would not have had the wonderful life I did with him, yes he did have many years sober, but that would almost make it harder (his loss), knowing just for a while, all I prayed and wished for came true,

What I learned, I prayed for him to get sober, God did'nt promise me 'FORVER" which I am alright with,

and I know you all can identify with me on the fact that our "loved ones" outside of their addiction were such special people, and as much PAIN as they brought us, there were many days they brought us 'PLEASURE' AND "JOY" and we seem to zero in on that now that their gone, and they all brought us something special from their lifes, whatever personally we were gifted from them, and for sure there was something, my list of what My Marty gave me is an endless life of gifts he gave me, whether it be his attitude that was better than mine, his risk taking in biz, because I am a scardy cat, I learned so much from him,

THERE IS NEVER SUCH THING AS A WASTE, JUST SIMPLY PUT A HORRIBLE SHAME......LIFE IS NOT FAIR, NEVER WAS, NEVER WILL BE.....
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Old 10-12-2008, 08:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. I think I should clarify what I meant by waste. I don't believe that their lives were a waste or that our time with them was a waste. The waste to me is drugs taking their life. The waste is all those years we could have known each other now gone. I lost my best friend to lupus last year and that was a completely different feeling for me then losing my ex-boyfriend to an overdose. There were no actions of that persons to hate, there was no direct anger, there was no feeling that it could have been avoided.

All of you are so inspiring -- I hope that as time goes by I can focus less on the way he died and more on the way he lived (when clean and when he was not clean because the struggle he went through is an important part of my understanding of him).

Honestly part of me hates him for doing this -- it seems that he always medicated and everyone else in his life suffered for his choices. And that is exactly what is happening now. He felt bad, he relapsed and he died and now his family and friends have to spend the rest of their life without him.

Boundaries and everything -- putting up boundaries takes a strong person, it also hurts. It hurt me more then I can ever say. So I know this probably will not be received well, but my love for him is large, my sadness is large, my happiness for the time with him is large, but my anger is also large and so is a lingering feeling of guilt.

I love hearing your memories of your lost loved one. It is comforting in a way I can not express in words. Thank you everyone.
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In memory of Mike, brilliant artist, loyal friend, beloved soul who passed away on September 11, 2008 from the disease of addiction.
If you are lost please take this chance to go to a meeting today or ask someone for help.
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Old 10-13-2008, 04:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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My Dear Blue.......you mentioned two lossess above, one from addiction and one from lupus....the way I view life, is We All die from something, and Cancer and Addiction are the same, my pshy Dr. I saw when I first lost Marty, told me " Marty did not wake up and say, Wow, I wish I was an addict, it is a symtom of a bigger problem in their mental minds, as you can see from this site, some addicts live and find sobriety, and some of our addicts die. I went to many meetings AA, CA, Coanon in my life with Marty since I was 16 and I learned things that I never forgot that play a major role in my life to this day, I would say to Marty, feeling bad for myself and he'd throw something he learned from the meeting, I said "Why me" and he replied "Why Not You?

I NEVER EXPECTED THAT ER DR. TO COME INTO THAT ROOM, THAT MADE ME QUIVER INSIDE, NOT KNOWING WHAT I WAS DOING THERE, TO TELL ME "NO HE DID NOT MAKE IT" OMG, that's something that happens to somebody else, well, it happened to me, my friends have their husbands, I am 3yrs later, ALONE....

Anger, yes what they do to us and the turmoil is hell day in day out, but I can firmly tell you and many people have asked me, Are You Mad At Marty? I HAVE NEVER FOR ONE SECOND BEEN ANGRY AT HIM, SINCE HE IS GONE, AND THAT DAY, IT WAS JUST ANOTHER DAY GETTING HIGH, GONE WRONG

HOW CAN I BE ANGRY? HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE..........

Do what I did, make a list of issue in your head, and go one by one, and as time goes, you start to cross them off your mental list, start with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, and play them out, and let them go........

And so on.....I had issue the lied to me and did'nt tell me they lost Marty here at home, so I was dying inside, obsessing over it, and trust me, there is NO Coindidence in life, I guarantee that, because he passed in Sept 29, 05, come Xmas my hot water heater blew and the firemen came to shut it off for me, and the one said to me, Was I here? You were the one trapped behind the bed, I said yes, my Husband passed, I looked at him, I said, Plz, tell me, Did My Husband die here at home? He looked right into my eyes and said YES, I went right up to him and hugged him to pieces, whew, crossed that one off my list,

it's a process, and in the grief steps, honestly, I did not go through all of them, Anger at Marty never was

My Dr also told me to Read, I bought it on Audio, may I suggest it? It helped me SOOOOO MUCH, 'WHEN BAD THINGS, HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE" Wow what an early turning point in my grief, check it out

And most of all being here, this is how we cope, and talking about what happened to us and knowing, the outcome was the same, well, what more could you ask for?

I have been going at such a fast pace, I did'nt even take the time to log on here for a long time, and wow, I needed to slow down and do this for me, life just drags us along, but this is my Home, I might be on vacaction sometimes, but I WILL FOREVER ALWAYS BE BACK.....because the pain will always be there, just not so stabbing
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Old 11-26-2008, 12:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I am also shattered by losing what I believed was the love of my life to alcohol. He is not dead but for me he is

My ex boyfriend was nice, like a little kid, he kept sending me messages about how wonderful life was about to be when we were finally going to live together, with a lot of hope and illusions. He hugged me and I felt free and comforted. He was my best friend. He always said you had to take the best and move on. He took care of himself and always did what made him happy. We used to cook and watch MTV and listen to music and talk about life. We used to love each other in such a way...

Right now I see his body but the man I loved is gone. There's just this alcoholic that ignores everything about the past and is sick drinking and drinking, more and more. Again, I try to relate to him when he was close to me and I know I should be happy, even without him (he told that to me crying, after he hurt me verbally when drunk.. one of several times)

That memory keeps me going and the hope that someday somehow he will be free of his addiction and I will be free of my codependence, and the encounter will take place.

For him I have to be strong and break my patterns.
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Old 11-27-2008, 07:35 AM   #12 (permalink)
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In January it will be a year that I lost my ex fiancé and my best friend to this disease. He was my hero. I never knew someone with the will power or fight that this man had. He beat cancer, twice and at such young ages. He was vibrant, funny, smart, sincere, so full of love and the list goes on. He battled depression and addiction. He hanged himself. His dad and I found him. It still haunts me as I suspect it will for years to come, maybe for the rest of my life. I miss my Mario. I miss his smile, his laugh, his touch, his love, his advice, I miss laying my head on his chest and falling asleep to the beat of his heart. I just miss him and there aren't enough words that can ever explain how much. I know he is at peace and he is no longer suffering. I wish I could have him back or just have five more minutes with him so I could tell him one last time how very much I love him. I hope it gets easier with time. I think of him daily and I keep him in that special place that he touched the first time we met - my heart.
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:25 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I lost two.
My best friend Amber was adorable, kind hearted and so hurt inside. She was my sunshine and the only person that cracked me up. It's only been two years but my heart still grieves for her. Life will never be the same. I am grateful for even a second I shared with her. I do not regret taking time away from her because of my family. I will love her forever and I hope she is beside my God and finally free.
I lost my friend Eric as well. He quit but the damage had already been done. I think he knew his health was failing so he drank here and there. The sad part is that he went home from a gig and it took a week until someone went to his house where they found him. Eric was unique as well. I'll miss his goofyness, his kindness, going to shows. So much.
I don't regret anything with either of them.
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Old 01-02-2009, 09:59 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I have suffered the most dreaded loss, my son, at age 41, from a heroin overdose on September 4, 2008. He was sensitive, brilliant, and had a great sense of humor. He was an artist, furniture maker, mandolin player, and gardener.

He was an addict almost all his life. At 32, he was arrested and had to withdraw from heroin in a jail cell. After his release from jail, he went to a long-term rehab where he worked hard to stay clean. He stayed clean for 6 years. I was so proud of him. I know it was hard for him. Then he started drinking. From what his friends say, no one knew for sure, but they think he started using heroin again only 2 weeks before he died, after 9 years of not using this horrid drug.

It's been 17 weeks. I feel as though my life is over. Everything for me is thought of as either "before" or "after." I want to die.

He was loaned to us for a little while, now he's finally at peace with God...his struggle is over.
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Old 01-04-2009, 08:59 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi Katy -- I just wanted to say that your post really touched me. I lost my ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends very close to when you lost your son.

Your son sounds amazing. A fighter. It sounds like he made beauty out of nothing -- all the things he did, making furniture, making music, making art, gardening. There are too few of those type of people in the world -- the true artists who bring so much to everyone around them through their creativity. It is amazing that he was able to remain clean for so long -- what a fight it is, what courage it takes, what love he must have felt to find the reason and strength to do that.

It isn't fair, is it, that they can fight so hard, and make a few mistakes and pay for it by dying. And we pay, the ones left behind, because we suffer the loss of someone that was so dear to us. All over a few small choices. It makes me so sad sometimes, I just can't make this right in my head. These beautiful people gone because of drugs.

I hear you counting the weeks without him. I do that to. Sometimes when I'm driving alone I'll just say his first, middle and last name (and my best friend's name who died from lupus's two year ago) over and over again as if to keep them from being forgotten. I also am living in the before and after. I can't imagine how much worse that is for someone who loses their own son. I can understand that you might have a feeling of wanting to give up, wanting to die. You are in pain, you know things will get better, but you also know that you have to find a way to deal with a loss that will be there for the rest of your life, it is so hard.

Please pm me if you need anyone to talk to.
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Old 01-04-2009, 05:22 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Bluerskies, thank you so much for your kind words. They are a tribute to my son. You feel the same things I feel. It's comforting to know there are such beautful understanding people like you. My heart goes out to you in your loss. Your Mike sounds so much like my son, both creative loving men, perhaps too sensitive for this harsh world.

Katy
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Old 01-10-2009, 02:21 AM   #17 (permalink)
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My brother was murdered in Florida on his 33rd birthday. He would be 49 this year yet it still seems like yesterday some days. Not much doubt it was drug related as he struggled with crack addiction for years. He was down there for work and we never heard from him again until his skull was found. Through a miracle my family was contacted and we were able to at least know the truth and not have to worry anymore. My mom worried about him all the time. As much as I loved him, his addictions made him a thief and liar. His murder was gruesome and I won't go into details but after all these years I realized that this is part of my drinking problem. Shouldve been a no brainer but it wasnt. I realized it three weeks ago when I went out for a couple beers with co-workers. One of them started talking about horror movies like Hostel and Saw and I got this picture in my head of my brother all cut up and ordered a shot, and another and another till complete oblivion set in. I guess this is progress??

A few months before I moved to Alaska my brother had gone to treatment. I remember sitting in my kitchen as I listened to him talk about God and Jesus and Salvation and he showed me a coin he received. I listned because I loved him and was thankful for his sobriety even though I thought he sounded like a nutcase.

A few years later I was saved. I finally understood what he was telling me about. I'm confident he is in Heaven with our heavenly Father. This is a really good feeling. I'm gonna try and let the other ones go, the bad icky stuff and cling to the good stuff.
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Old 01-10-2009, 05:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
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(((Yoda))) My deepest condolences to you and your family. I hope you find the strength to reach sobriety and God.

Wishing you calmer days,
Katy

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Old 01-14-2009, 06:15 AM   #19 (permalink)
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My heart died when my son died

My son, Jason died of a overdose on 11-19-08 when he died my life has been hell. All I do is think about him day and night. He was my heart. My only child and living without him in my life is just unreal to me. He was addicted but he did try and try to get clean. Herion had a hold on his soul and would not let go. Everyone loved him because he was a nice person to be around. He could put a smile on your face no matter how you were feeling. I don't have that any more. He was 39 and believe me he didn't want me or my husband to know he was back on the evil drug. Two days before he died he stayed here at home with us I didn't see anything different about him just him being him. Planning to go to my sisters for Thanksgiving with me and his dad and his son. When I got the call that he was dead I didn't believe it at first my body went numb. Now my boy is in heaven with his gram and pap who he loved so much. I am here still grieving for him
Love ya,
Maggie:praying
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Old 01-14-2009, 06:22 AM   #20 (permalink)
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My heart died when my son died

My son, Jason died of a overdose on 11-19-08 when he died my life has been hell. All I do is think about him day and night. He was my heart. My only child and living without him in my life is just unreal to me. He was addicted but he did try and try to get clean. Herion had a hold on his soul and would not let go. Everyone loved him because he was a nice person to be around. He could put a smile on your face no matter how you were feeling. I don't have that any more. He was 39 and believe me he didn't want me or my husband to know he was back on the evil drug. Two days before he died he stayed here at home with us I didn't see anything different about him just him being him. Planning to go to my sisters for Thanksgiving with me and his dad and his son. When I got the call that he was dead I didn't believe it at first my body went numb. Now my boy is in heaven with his gram and pap who he loved so much. I am here still grieving for him
Love ya,
Maggie:praying
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