Thinking about going to see my brother and father's graves - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

windysan · 09-29-2008, 02:43 PM

My dad died 12 years ago. My brother died 2 years ago. Last time I've been to the gravesites was when my brother died. It's just tough for me to go. I feel like I need to go but I know they're gone and only gravestones remain. I'm kinda looking for some advice here.

Thanks.

grateful2b · 09-29-2008, 02:51 PM

((windy)), even though you know they are gone and not there, going anyway could be good for you, there may be an experience there for you and a place to pick up the thread of your own understanding of the loss you are still experiencing and your relationship to that....
my Dad is gone and I have a pretty good idea where he is

....I miss him and talk to him periodically and feel him around me sometimes...we all experience loss differently and also the same...I think the important thing is to honor your feelings and follow them where they lead you...my thoughts, don't know if any of this helps

Grateful

traid77 · 09-29-2008, 02:59 PM

Hey Windy,

If you feel that you are strong enough to handle it, I say go. Being beside their resting places will likely bring back a lot of memories. Myself, I have lost numerous family members and a really close friend, but I can't bring myeself to go. I'm more of a bury my feelings kinda guy, and when I do break down crying like a schoolgirl, I prefer to do it in my bathroom, pretending to shower. What if you wrote each of them a letter, put some of your thoughts into words. If after writing it you feel good or purged, consider dropping them off at the graveyard. I dunno...

Traid

indigo · 09-30-2008, 11:19 AM

Follow your heart windy.

Stubborn1 · 09-30-2008, 11:34 AM

It's a symbol of respect and if you want to do it for your own reasons then you should. If you want to talk to them you can do that right from where you sit. They listen.
I always think of that poem that says "do not stand at my grave and weep for I am not there"

LucyA · 09-30-2008, 12:06 PM

I go to speak to my nan and grandad often, I guess now we buried Cathys ashes I'll go talk to her too now. I get my peace from them and where they are. I can say what I think and ponder over stuff, I have memories and I share them there and sometimes I take my problems and try to sort them out.

It took me a long time to go there after my grandad passed, but I was glad I decided to go in the end, it's just like visiting but in a prettier place for me.

Go with your heart Windy, as indigo said, only you know how it'll make you feel.

windysan · 09-30-2008, 01:04 PM

thanks y'all. i think i want to go. i gotta gather up the guts to go.

**Impurrfect** · 09-30-2008, 07:24 PM

(((Windy)))

I hadn't been to my mom's grave in YEARS..way before my addiction. I was in the area a few months ago and just made the decision to go.

I have my mom in my heart, and I know that's not where she is, but it still made me feel better when I went. Don't have a clue WHY, but I felt peaceful, when I left the cemetery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

deedee · 10-01-2008, 04:35 PM

(((windy)))

As Indie said, follow your heart. My son's been gone almost 4 years and the first year, I went to his gravesite almost daily, but the more time goes on, the less I feel the need to go. I've only visited my dad's gravesite a handful of times in almost 2 years. Everyone is different in how they handle grief and I'm at a point where I truly feel I carry both of my loved ones in my heart.

Wishing you peace and strength Windy ~

deedee

windysan · 10-20-2008, 07:40 AM

I still haven't gathered up the guts.

grateful2b · 10-20-2008, 08:03 AM

that's okay..the going is for you, not anyone else....you can go if or when you are ready...and if not...you can always talk and visit with them right where you are..no rules...

Grateful

dancinggirl · 10-20-2008, 08:25 AM

When my mom died I went all the time...but then it was just too hard to see that stone. I know that "she" isn't there...but it is a good symbolic place to talk to her when I needed a more physical connection.

There's no way to know how you'll feel unless you go.

GiveLove · 10-20-2008, 07:00 PM

Are you feeling like you "should," windy, or are you truly doing this for yourself? If there is definitely something good that you think you might get out of it, then it makes sense to me. And I wouldn't hurry or feel bad. It'll happen when it happens, when you're strong enough, when you're ready.

In my first years of mourning my sisters, I did it because "it's the right thing to do" or because of obligation rather than from love/forgiveness/healing. I dreaded it and procrastinated like crazy. (The first time I went, I even realized that i was doing it to PUNISH myself, because I knew it would hurt. Sick, huh?) Anyway, when I finally got to a place where I felt like I was going to get something good out of visiting the stone, then it got easier.

Like some of those above, I can talk to them whenever I want. I don't need to go out there to do it. They ain't there.

windysan · 10-22-2008, 06:02 AM

I have to go to a funeral tomorrow for my wife's aunt. I'm sure they'll bury her in the same cemetery. This might be the chance to go. Deep breaths.

Stubborn1 · 10-22-2008, 06:04 AM

Our HP puts things in our path doesn't he? We'll be with you.

historyteach · 10-22-2008, 02:39 PM

My thoughts are with you, Windy...

Shalom!

historyteach · 10-22-2008, 02:42 PM

Thought I'd share something my mom read at my dad's memorial service.
Hope it helps.

Quote:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Mary Frye (1932)

Shalom, my friend, Shalom!

historyteach · 10-22-2008, 02:43 PM

Just a thought...
You seem to be quite nervous about this visit.

Would it help to share about your dad and brother?
Anything at all.
We're here for you, if you'd like to do so...

Shalom!

Rusty Zipper · 10-22-2008, 06:23 PM

ws, for me... when i think i should do something to honor a loved one or ones, in life, or in death...

instead of thinking, i try to do...

go for it, what'a ya have to loose?

good wishes

rz

09-29-2008, 02:43 PM	#1 (permalink)
windysan Big Idiot Man Child Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 5,769	Thinking about going to see my brother and father's graves My dad died 12 years ago. My brother died 2 years ago. Last time I've been to the gravesites was when my brother died. It's just tough for me to go. I feel like I need to go but I know they're gone and only gravestones remain. I'm kinda looking for some advice here. Thanks. __________________ ZigZaggin through Weirdland

09-29-2008, 02:51 PM	#2 (permalink)
grateful2b Leap of Faith Survivor Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 4,556	((windy)), even though you know they are gone and not there, going anyway could be good for you, there may be an experience there for you and a place to pick up the thread of your own understanding of the loss you are still experiencing and your relationship to that.... my Dad is gone and I have a pretty good idea where he is....I miss him and talk to him periodically and feel him around me sometimes...we all experience loss differently and also the same...I think the important thing is to honor your feelings and follow them where they lead you...my thoughts, don't know if any of this helps Grateful __________________ You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life that is waiting for you.

09-30-2008, 11:19 AM	#4 (permalink)
indigo Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,928	Follow your heart windy. __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

09-30-2008, 01:04 PM	#7 (permalink)
windysan Big Idiot Man Child Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 5,769	thanks y'all. i think i want to go. i gotta gather up the guts to go. __________________ ZigZaggin through Weirdland

09-30-2008, 07:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
Impurrfect Social Network Moderator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 25,216	(((Windy))) I hadn't been to my mom's grave in YEARS..way before my addiction. I was in the area a few months ago and just made the decision to go. I have my mom in my heart, and I know that's not where she is, but it still made me feel better when I went. Don't have a clue WHY, but I felt peaceful, when I left the cemetery. Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer "You got what it takes you can win, today is your day to begin. - Shania Twain (Tinker, Elvis [RIP], Patches and Mots - Mouth Of The South)

09-29-2008, 02:59 PM	#3 (permalink)
traid77 Who Farted? Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alberta, Canada Posts: 67	Hey Windy, If you feel that you are strong enough to handle it, I say go. Being beside their resting places will likely bring back a lot of memories. Myself, I have lost numerous family members and a really close friend, but I can't bring myeself to go. I'm more of a bury my feelings kinda guy, and when I do break down crying like a schoolgirl, I prefer to do it in my bathroom, pretending to shower. What if you wrote each of them a letter, put some of your thoughts into words. If after writing it you feel good or purged, consider dropping them off at the graveyard. I dunno... Traid

09-30-2008, 11:34 AM	#5 (permalink)
Stubborn1 Ph.D in insanity!! Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Florida Posts: 698	It's a symbol of respect and if you want to do it for your own reasons then you should. If you want to talk to them you can do that right from where you sit. They listen. I always think of that poem that says "do not stand at my grave and weep for I am not there"

09-30-2008, 12:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
LucyA Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 1,018	I go to speak to my nan and grandad often, I guess now we buried Cathys ashes I'll go talk to her too now. I get my peace from them and where they are. I can say what I think and ponder over stuff, I have memories and I share them there and sometimes I take my problems and try to sort them out. It took me a long time to go there after my grandad passed, but I was glad I decided to go in the end, it's just like visiting but in a prettier place for me. Go with your heart Windy, as indigo said, only you know how it'll make you feel.

10-01-2008, 04:35 PM	#9 (permalink)
deedee Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Faith~Hope~Love Posts: 935	(((windy))) As Indie said, follow your heart. My son's been gone almost 4 years and the first year, I went to his gravesite almost daily, but the more time goes on, the less I feel the need to go. I've only visited my dad's gravesite a handful of times in almost 2 years. Everyone is different in how they handle grief and I'm at a point where I truly feel I carry both of my loved ones in my heart. Wishing you peace and strength Windy ~ deedee __________________ ~ While the light lasts I shall remember and in the darkness I shall not forget ~

10-20-2008, 07:40 AM	#10 (permalink)
windysan Big Idiot Man Child Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 5,769	I still haven't gathered up the guts. __________________ ZigZaggin through Weirdland

10-20-2008, 08:03 AM	#11 (permalink)
grateful2b Leap of Faith Survivor Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 4,556	that's okay..the going is for you, not anyone else....you can go if or when you are ready...and if not...you can always talk and visit with them right where you are..no rules...Grateful __________________ You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life that is waiting for you.

10-20-2008, 08:25 AM	#12 (permalink)
dancinggirl Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Eh? :) Posts: 1,398	When my mom died I went all the time...but then it was just too hard to see that stone. I know that "she" isn't there...but it is a good symbolic place to talk to her when I needed a more physical connection. There's no way to know how you'll feel unless you go.

10-20-2008, 07:00 PM	#13 (permalink)
GiveLove Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,818 Blog Entries: 2	Are you feeling like you "should," windy, or are you truly doing this for yourself? If there is definitely something good that you think you might get out of it, then it makes sense to me. And I wouldn't hurry or feel bad. It'll happen when it happens, when you're strong enough, when you're ready. In my first years of mourning my sisters, I did it because "it's the right thing to do" or because of obligation rather than from love/forgiveness/healing. I dreaded it and procrastinated like crazy. (The first time I went, I even realized that i was doing it to PUNISH myself, because I knew it would hurt. Sick, huh?) Anyway, when I finally got to a place where I felt like I was going to get something good out of visiting the stone, then it got easier. Like some of those above, I can talk to them whenever I want. I don't need to go out there to do it. They ain't there. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

10-22-2008, 06:02 AM	#14 (permalink)
windysan Big Idiot Man Child Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 5,769	I have to go to a funeral tomorrow for my wife's aunt. I'm sure they'll bury her in the same cemetery. This might be the chance to go. Deep breaths. __________________ ZigZaggin through Weirdland

10-22-2008, 06:04 AM	#15 (permalink)
Stubborn1 Ph.D in insanity!! Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Florida Posts: 698	Our HP puts things in our path doesn't he? We'll be with you.

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10-22-2008, 02:39 PM	#16 (permalink)
historyteach To Life! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 9,300	My thoughts are with you, Windy... Shalom! __________________ IMAGINE

10-22-2008, 02:43 PM	#18 (permalink)
historyteach To Life! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 9,300	Just a thought... You seem to be quite nervous about this visit. Would it help to share about your dad and brother? Anything at all. We're here for you, if you'd like to do so... Shalom! __________________ IMAGINE

10-22-2008, 06:23 PM	#19 (permalink)
Rusty Zipper Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: my room in ct. Posts: 40,868	ws, for me... when i think i should do something to honor a loved one or ones, in life, or in death... instead of thinking, i try to do... go for it, what'a ya have to loose? good wishes rz __________________ *Rule 62*