Death from recovery.

[krimba]

My Dad was an alcoholic. By the time I hit MY bottom at 32 years old, I was living with him in his 1-bedroom apartment. By this time he had 7 years sobriety in AA. He agreed to let me stay with him, if I participated in AA. I was beginning my 90/90, and had never felt better. I would come home and share experiences with my Dad, and asked questions. 2 weeks into my 90/90, he died from a ski accident. I remember the last time I talked to him, I was asking him about my 90/90 - I had finished work for the week, and wanted to know if it would be bad to miss a day and rest. He said, “Take care of your body and get some rest." The next day, his best friend (also in AA) called me and told me my Dad was in a serious accident, and I had to fly to Reno. Right then I knew he was dead, but I tried to keep positive. Once I arrived, I found out he had broken his neck, was completely paralyzed, and brain-dead. Since I am an only-child, and he and my Mom are divorced (after 30 years, and still very close,) I was the one left to take him off life support. I was in shock; I remained in shock for 1 1/2 months. I went back to work, and back to meetings. It was nice because I went to the same meetings my Dad went to,
and everybody supported me. I kept up going to meetings for about 2 weeks, and quit my job after a month. Then the shock wore off, and the depression set in. I stayed in my Dad's apartment for about 3 months (I could barely get out of bed) then I had to dismantle my Dad's entire life. I received insurance money, and moved to a new apartment. It has almost been 6 months from his death. I'm only 1/2 unpacked out of my boxes; I unpack a little when I feel up to it. I've mostly been sitting on my couch watching TV and crying for the last 2 months, and I'm a person who normally doesn't watch too much TV.
I've been seeing a therapist every week for 3 months. I even went to an AA meeting,
but it made me cry because it reminded me of him, although I remain almost 6 months sober. My goal right now is to choose a new career, and go back to meetings, but I'm lucky if I shower and am able to leave the apartment every 3 days. My Dad was my hero after he got sober, my best friend. I hated him growing up, because he was a mean alcoholic (emotionally) but when I saw how much he wanted to change, and did,
and helped me, then abruptly died, I feel I was cheated out of time with him. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. Thanks so much for listening to me.

[Toomutch]

Let yourself grieve, it's okay.
Stay in therapy as long as you need to.
Stay sober to honor both yourself and your dad.

[Dee74]

I'm sorry Krimba.

I have no firsthand experience to share - I can only echo Toomutch really - keep going to therapy and keep sober.

Sorrow and grieving and healing are natural processes - ppl go through them in individual ways and individual rates.

Best of luck to you
D

[Japic05]

please accept my sympathy in the loss of your dad.

Sending out thoughts and prayers for you as you work thru this process of grief and sorrow - there is no time frame - take the time you need, the tools of the program and your HP are there to help you in any way you need.

wishing you peace and comfort,
Rita

[theotherone]

You can see in your post that your father was just as proud of you and your accomplishment. Stay as strong as you can and in his memory ...stay the course. You were his hero and best friend too. Greiving takes time, but with your strength and his loving memory you will get through this. I felt cheated too when my dad died at 58. He was the only person in the world who I felt understood me... heart and soul. He died in 1995 and I still miss him..but it does get "easier". I promise.

[liveweyerd]

Krimba,

I am more familiar with the debilitating grief you are describing than I want to talk about right now. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist! So very glad!
Usually it is recommended that if you are still in the kind of depression you are in at 6 months to see a Dr. I would suggest that you speak to your therapist about that.

It is true that grief takes its own time. But sometimes we need a little help.

Hugs,
Live

[Wolfstarr]

I am sorry for your loss, Krimba...still sober and seeing your therapist is proof of your love for yourself and your dear dad. My dad, gone over some 40 yrs and I still grieve. It's not the same as you are experiencing right now, but...I miss him, and always will.
Let it take it's course, and, do talk...a lot. Please come back often.

[krimba]

Originally Posted by theotherone

You can see in your post that your father was just as proud of you and your accomplishment. Stay as strong as you can and in his memory ...stay the course. You were his hero and best friend too. Greiving takes time, but with your strength and his loving memory you will get through this. I felt cheated too when my dad died at 58. He was the only person in the world who I felt understood me... heart and soul. He died in 1995 and I still miss him..but it does get "easier". I promise.

Thank you, I really appreciate it!

[krimba]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

Krimba,

I am more familiar with the debilitating grief you are describing than I want to talk about right now. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist! So very glad!
Usually it is recommended that if you are still in the kind of depression you are in at 6 months to see a Dr. I would suggest that you speak to your therapist about that.

It is true that grief takes its own time. But sometimes we need a little help.

Hugs,
Live

Thanks so much.

[theotherone]

Hey Krimba...how ya doin? Any news on those goals of yours?

[indigo]

Krimba I am sorry for your sufferings, the loss of a loved one huts us to the core. I pray you will find peace.

[1963comet]

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. My step dad had 10 years sober when he died. I did not quit until after he was gone. he dragged me to AA many times. All I thought was if he could only see me now.

But he has helped me because I thought if he could do it so can I. I have 7 1/2 years now with out drinking. My goal is to make it 10 years like he did. And I will start another 10 year goal after the first one. I wasted half of my life drinking and I want to spend the other half not drinking.

[barb dwyer]

As someone who lost both parents at an early age,
I surely understand your grief,
and offer my sympathy to you at this time.

I also know there's a goodly amount of fear with the whole facing the future going on.

And if I may, I'd like to share some hard earned wisdom with you that I share when someone comes into the rooms of AA with the same loss.

You know-
the image that comes into my head
when I hear a story like yours ...
is of the parent who
drowns to save their own child.
The parent who jumps into the path of an oncoming truck
to push their child
or anyone's child
out of the way.

That's what I've come to think of those who have died
after finding the solution of recovery.
By whatever means they found their relief from the nightmare of addiction.

Our parents are our teachers
whether for good or for experience.
We cannot escape learning from them.
And as parents
we cannot escape teaching.

You had a tremendous gift of a mentor in the Program
in the Solution of recovery ...
that few have had.
You were able to come back to sobriety with the help and guidance of your dad.
That's so much more than many of us get.

I think these examples are also a teaching for all of us that ...
when we are strong enough to stand alone ...
we must.
And I don't think anyone is 'taken' from us any more.

I used to think that.
And I was quite angry about the whole thing, lemme tellya.
I actually grew up believing that 'God' was a mean old man
who went around killing little girls' daddies.

But I came to a place
with time and knowledge
where I realized
we are with who we are with for a very specific reason.
"Good" or "bad" ... is up to us.

I wish often that I had a place or something as convenient as a meeting...
where I could connect with the joy of having my dad for even as short a time as I was allowed his company.
Whereas it may make me sad at first -
it would eventually grow into a reassurance and a comfort
to know I was where he most cherished me being.

I dunno, hon.
I've been gifted an unusual perspective of death ...
and it is because
I've lost so very many in this lifetime.

I offer this understanding to you
in the spirit of compassion and of comfort.
I pray for you that the same understanding
I've tried to pass here to you
is received as help and that you'll keep going to your meetings.

Much love and caring,
barb

[Lily]

Krimba,

I am so sorry for your loss. Keep posting! We are here & we love you on SR!

Sheila