mourning.... maybe?

[imissme]

I'm an ACOA and I've endured a lot of loss in my life. Loss of my childhood, loss of so, so many family members, divorce, and the list goes on and on. I've been in al-anon 3 years, and words can't express how much it has helped me, I do feel a lot better in so many different ways. But I'm still not very good at identifying emotions and what's going on with me.

Last night I was at a meeting and I started to cry as soon as the opening was being read. My sponsor was sitting right next to me and was rubbing my back.. and you all probably know how that is, when someone shows compassion for crying it makes the crying more intense. It was the first time I felt embarrassed for crying. It was a huge meeting (ok huge for where I live) and there were a lot of newcomers and I didn't want to get hysterical. The room was so packed that I knew I couldn't just get up and leave without making people move. Anyway, the book being read was a new al-anon book about grief, and the topic was about reaching out for help (which I can hardly do) and I heard everything I needed to hear, but still I'm wondering if I'm grieving.

I have spent 95% of my life with my mother. An alcoholic. It has been a emotionally destroying relationship where at my bottom I had absolutely nothing left inside of me. I hated myself and my life with a firey passion. The program has most definitely helped. Just a few months ago it was revealed to me, and for the first time in my life I accepted the fact that my father is also one. The strange thing about the situation is my parents have been divorced for 20 years and I've hardly seen him, hardly talked to him. I put him on a pedastol, even though he totally used me for his financial gain and almost immediately after leaving us shacked up with a younger woman. He left me as my father and became a father to his new wife's kids. I had every reason to be angry at him but I chose to be angry at my mom instead. Deep denial.

Other than that I have a lot more crap on my plate. I don't know if I'm grieving. I know the firey burning hatred and anger has definitely faded, and today I do feel a lot more peace, I just don't know. I don't know what to do with it. Sorry for the long but im glad to be here.

[Wolfstarr]

((((imissme)))) Welcome, welcome...
It sounds as if you do have some unresolved grieving, but, I am no authority on this...just someone who has grieved over losses and still has some unresolved issues to face.

Grief has many facets, and the loss we feel whether we face a divorce, a lost childhood, a job loss, financial issues, or other losses all have similar effects on our mental health.

Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share with us, and I am glad that Al Anon has helped you through thus far. Stick with it, there is much more to learn....please come back and talk. You are so welcomed here...
Peace,
Wolfstarr

[Rella927]

Welcome Imissme! Glad that you are here-You may want to check out the "Friends & Family" forum too! There is a lot of support here-

Sorry that you are going through this as it was stated by Wolf there are many facets of grief-

It is possible that you are grieving from all that you mentioned above which is a good thing! I too have grieved
a lot of loss in my life from not really having a childhood to deaths, divorce (parents), A family members.....everyone goes through grief in their own way too I truly believe.

Al-Anon meetings can be pretty powerful at times but they IMHO help to release our emotions-as we hear others share things that are so similar to ours! (That has been a big help to me to let me know I'm not the only one feeling that or that)

Please keep posting-And again glad that you are here

[indigo]

Welcome I'm sorry for all your losses and I'm glad you posted it's good to get things into the open and to cry is cleansing.