Anyone been with someone while they died from cancer?

[tracee1010]

I have a client who is dying. she is 70 and has 4th stage colon cancer.

I visit her a few times a week. SHe is very weak.

I have NEVER experienced death nor has anyone close to me ever died.

She has no family or friends and it has just been us two since last year.

It is really starting to effect me and my daily activities.

yesterday she told me she is hallucinating. THat the TV is trying to pull her into the stories and when that freaked her out she turned off the TV only to see a lighted scroll on her wall and had the words Come to me Betty written on it. ... She keeps asking me what is going on?

I can guess, but dont really know for sure. she also said she feels like she is in a "transition". but at the same time she doesnt want to hear that she is dying...

I am crying spontanously through out the day. and freak out everytime my phone rings.

anyone else ever go though this.. can you help me with what to expect or how long she may live???

thank you!!

[indigo]

I've been with several people who were dying of cancer, each case has been different. If she is taking strong pain control medication, hallucinations won't be uncommom. I hope she has a gentle passing and think you are doing a wonderful job caring for her. In my opinion it's good to sit with the patient and hold their hand and if they want to talk listen and tell them not to be afraid if they are at that stage. Usually when a person shows acceptance death soon follows.
hugs indigo

[Emimily]

i watched my dad die. by the time he entered the hospital for the last time (a month and three days before he passed), he thought he knew the governor and he thought we were all trying to take money from him. i watched him turn yellow when his lived and kidneys failed. i watched him stop breathing, slowly.

it's the most brutal thing i've ever done, and i didn't have to do it alone. my step mom, my older brother, and one of my older sisters was there with me. you're doing this woman a great service by making sure she knows that she is loved in this time.

as for me, i prayed a lot. toward the end, i asked the big guy to either make him well or take him, because the in between was just too difficult. i leaned heavily on my sobriety family. i spent loads of time with family and friends. i ate a lot of cocoa pebbles (comfort food). i told my dad again and again that i loved him, that i would miss him, but that it was okay if he had to say goodbye.

so... i don't know if that helps at all. grief is a process. let yourself be free enough to feel everything you need to.

[tracee1010]

SHe is in a nursing home and has hospice nurses available to her but she dosent like them and dosent want them "hovering round" her. Its like at times she is out of it then the next minute she is cracking a scarastic joke.... Two weeks ago she told me not to come out so much as she knows I'm busy. I told her I would rather be here with her than my other clients that just give me a headache.
this week she called and wanted me to come see her.

she is on liquid morphine every 4 hours. and does not eat. apparently colon cancer makes you feel full so the doctors say. she got up and handed me the card for the creamatorium and told me to give it to the front nurse???

she also arranged for me to get her ashes when she dies and asked if I would spread them somewhere nice, over water or in a park. I told her I would...

I just dont know if I can do this without breaking down.
I just met her last year yet I feel like part of me is dying.... its wierd and i am very emotional...
uugggghh.. crying as I'm writing this..

[1963comet]

Sorry, this is hard to go through. My husband died of cancer when he was 26. He never said anything like you said but he did pray outloud. He was talking to God pretty regular the last couple months. Thing is he prayed for everyone else instead of himself.

Might be that her age has something to do with it to. Right now my best friend is loosing her battle with cancer. And every time I miss her call, she thinks something has happenen to me.

At the end Hospice give a list of signs of death. So, I would know what to expect. I just looked up Cancer signs of death. And they do have it on-line. No good at posting links.

Hope this helps.

[tracee1010]

As most of you know I am a caseworker that works with individuals with severe mental illness and drug addiction. I got Betty out of a psychiatriac ward at our hospital.
she was referred to me as a suicide attempt by starvation.

within in 30 minutes of talking to her I knew she was not mentally ill. after a few doctors visits and a hospital stay her cancer was discovered. I tried to get her transferred to a medical case worker but THEY, the hospital was convinced that she was mentally ill and she was gaming me.. I'm not a spring chicken and have been in this field for a while and I KNEW she was not getting over on me. WHen they gave her her diagnosis and told her she would need to begin chemotherapy, she refused as she is 70 and no guarantee that will cure her. again the doctors pull me in to tell me of her decision to refuse medical tx, and ask me if its her "mentall illness" talking.. Im like NO<<< its common sense.. Geeze people..
so its wierd that we even hooked up... Fate I guess... i dont know... I feel like I want to be around her but it takes such a toll on me mentally.
I know its not about me.. I just feel helpless and am not sure about what I should do.

[grateful2b]

Trace , I have been around people dying of cancer and was my dad's palliative care as well. I love palliative care work..It is such an honor to accompany someone on that journey. I think our beliefs about death are triggered and challenged when we are in this situation. We feel we should be doing 'something' , but I have learned that the best we have to offer is our love , respect, acceptance and presence. Just be with her, that is your gift to her. Pm me if you would like. Hugs, grateful

[Impurrfect]

(((Tracee)))

I was a nurse for 12 years before addiction took over.

I spent a lot of times with dying patients, and some I got to know them and their families really well. Actually went to a few funerals, and was treated like family.

Don't think you have to be strong and not cry through all this. I cried many, many times with my patients and their families. I've seen doctors cry. We're all human.

My mom died when she was 50 (almost 17 years ago). I knew she wouldn't live a long life, but had no idea she wouldn't make it to 51. Knowing what I know now, I wish I could have been like emimily..and told her I would miss her but it was okay to go. Unfortunately, even though she was sick, it was still pretty sudden and I didn't.

Because of her death, I became more aware of what dying people and their families need. If they want to talk, I let them talk. If they didn't, I was still there for them. The first time a patient died that I was really close to her and her family, they told me that helped them the most was the time I spent with them, and when they asked me "do we need to let her go" and I was honest and said "yes".

You're a compassionate person and this is painful. But you will get through it. Just be gentle with yourself and cry when you need to. In this case it's not a sign of weakness...it's a sign of love.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[best]

Originally Posted by tracee1010

I have NEVER experienced death nor has anyone close to me ever died.

She has no family or friends and it has just been us two since last year.

Two people I would call...

A local pastor and hospice.
Both can help you both.

Death is but a part of life and Hospice nurses help people through that part of life with dignity. A pastoral visit will help with the emotions and give another set of knees that will pray with you both.

As for how long...text books say one thing, God says when it is our time no matter what the text books say.

The added support and care from both a pastor and hospice will have it so you both get through this without being alone.

As for not having been around someone close who has passed away...
There is no right way to deal with it. We each deal with that part of life in our own way. Just being there for others as we are able is the best comfort we can give them and later on, we find it can be a comfort to us as well.
Prayers for you both.

[Done-With-It]

I had to watch my Grandpa die from cancer.
I wasn't warned before I went in either so I was shocked.

It was a waiting game and it broke my heart, it was then
that I understood euthanasia.

The time was in God's hands as the doctors were wrong.

I am sorry you are going through this.
It was very hard for me and even harder for my Mom.

The best thing we did for him was just try to keep him in the
best place we could and be there with him all the time in the
end..

{{{{...........}}}}}}}

[Astro]

My mother passed away 9 years ago from throat and lung cancer, a lifetime of smoking and drinking finally caught up with her. Her last two years she was barely able to speak, the radiation treatments on her throat took away that ability so if we couldn't understand her she wrote things down on a notepad. I was deep in my disease, incredibly selfish and naive, I thought she'd eventually recover. She never told me she was dying, and my father hid the things that were going on in their home from us. She had painkillers and alcohol hidden all over their home, anytime she had a chance she medicated herself to numb the pain.

One day a relative called and asked me a question that shocked me into reality....."you do know that your Mother is dying, don't you?" I raced over to her home and cried at hearing the truth. A few weeks later she was gone, as far as I know she passed quietly in her sleep, but I'm sure the pain was unbearable to her.

God gave me and Mom two beautiful gifts. She loved children and always wanted grandchildren. I'm grateful that in spite of my alcoholism, I was still able to bring her first two grandchildren into the world while she was alive.

If I had the chance to do that part of my life over, or if those circumstances should ever arise again, there's only a couple things I'd do differently. The first would be to have clarity and awareness about what that person was going through and to be as much comfort to them as possible, the second would be to show them how much I loved them whenever I had the chance.

I'm praying for you both, and hope you find peace and comfort.

[tracee1010]

THank you all for your support and wise words...... as usual.

I couldnt continue to work yesterday so I left and went to Barnes and Noble and just read for a couple of hours.

I read a few things over and over in many different books.
Basically people get confused when part of them is going over or wanting to go over. ANy unfinished business can make them fight going over. and many people need permission to go.....

Her hospice nurse is going to see her tomorrow and I am going on Friday.
here's my plan... I'm going to sit next to her and ask her if she has seen any more visions or heard any more voices telling her to "come over". I'm going to tell her that i've been reading up on this and tell her that if she sees or hears these things its God or the angels or loved ones who have passed before her inviting her to come over. and its okay. they are waiting for her. she will not be alone..
Its okay for her to go.. SHe has lived a full life, I know she is tired of being in pain and over there, there is no more pain.
its okay to give in and let go. I love her.. thank her for coming into my life and MAYBE if she gets board up there, would she look out for me and my son.. be our guardian angel if you will... I trust her, respect her and knows she has GREAT judgement,,, as where mine is questionable at best sometimes....

I dont know, what do you guys think??

[Astro]

I think she's very fortunate to have someone like you at her side tracee!

[splendra]

((((tracee))))

I think Betty is very fortunate to have you in her life. I think just being there for her is so wonderful. I am sure you are doing all you can. Bless both of your hearts!

I am saying a little prayer for Betty to find peace and comfort in her last days and that you will receive a blessing from the out pouring of your care for her.

[Impurrfect]

((Tracee)))

I think you are awesome, and Betty is fortunate to have you in her life. When it is her time to go, you and your son will most definitely have another guardian angel looking over you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy