Does it get easier:a tribute to dad

[kj0975]

My dad died on 4/15/2008. I had to be the one to give the order to take him off life support. Its something I have never imagined that my dads life could be in my hands. He had been under tremendous stress already suffering from high blood pressure took his med ran to relax and played golf his one true love.

I get a call my dad had collapsed. The one call I NEVER wanted to get. Rushed to the hospital, then had him RUSHED to a better hospital who could treat him better the BEST hospital around. Then it was too later he went too long without oxygen so yes he was alive but brain dead. How? My dad was so strong you know every daughter thinks of her dad as superman.

I went several years without talking to my dad cause he was an alcoholic. He stopped drinking and was clean for 17yrs I admired him for that. I admired my "superman" he had strength and determination. In all my years I dont recall my dad ever saying "I love you", he believed you dont have to say it you showed it.

It took me many years to let go of the resentment and lost years due to his drinking, I finally did and I got my dad back. We went to dinner on fridays, not a man of many words, but was always there with advice, cool, calm, and made you see thing from a different way. If I had a question I called dad he always had an anwswer. He fought in vietnam I couldnt be more proud he was drafted into a war to be honest I dont think he believed in. For his country he did. Infact they called my dad the "Duke" soft spoken, cool, calm, and assured his unit it would be ok. I got letters after he passed from the chief of the army who was his commander telling me about my dad. There was another side of him one I never knew. He never talked about the war except during a lightning storm. He would say this is what it looked like during the war at night just light shooting through the sky.

He worked hard, was admired by many and a good man. After the funeral a little girl about 3-4yrs old showed me the binoculars my dad went and bought her. She was affraid of birds and my dad bought her a book on birds and showed her they were good. She said "because of your dad I'm not affraid of birds anymore. He didnt know this child yet he wanted her to know the good in things she feared.

I just got my DAD back to me the man I always put on a pedastal I am the age where you finally appreciate your parents and realize they only want the best no matter the cost or the hard lesson that had to be learned. He let you learn them mostly the hard way. He knew sometimes that was the best way to learn.

When does the pain get easier? Yes I got memories, good and bad but memories of my own personal "superman. No matter how many times I let him down he still loved me in his own way. A dads loving way.

He went into cardia arrest. Maybe if he wasnt under so much stress he would have paid more attention to the signs, but he didnt. The day this happened he ran 8 miles and played 18 holes of golf. He was getting ready to meet his idols working at the PGA this year. I never got to say goodbye, or thanks dad, or "I love you".

I have regrets, a pain that is unfathomable. I never got to mourn his loss. He passed on tues funeral plans on weds, meeting with lawyer on thurs, showing friday, funeral saturday. Work Monday. Its heartwrenching.

My dad my superman is gone. Now what? I miss him, I love him, I grieve him. My dad was the greatest, as I'm sure we all think that of our dads. Who else puts you on their shoulders and carries you for miles and never complains?

Sorry this is so long. Feels good to just get it out. Does the pain get easier, can I ever listen to a song agian without thinking of him? This sucks. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Good bye dad, your gone but not forgotten. Goodbye superman!!! My hero.

[lilkim]

Yes, it does and the memories become sweeter.

[kj0975]

Thank you Kim. One kim to another. How long til it get better? Where you can talk without crying. Or do something beside talk about your dad all the time I'm sure that doesnt help.

[serenityqueen]

I lost my Dad in Sept. of 2006. It's ironic that you kept saying your Dad was your Superman. I can't tell you how many times I said that my Dad was Superman, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, all wrapped up in one.

My Dad was also an alcoholic. He had been Sober for about 12 years when he passed away. Dad had been diagnosed with Cancer in June of 2006. He minimized how bad it was, he wanted to spare us the pain. My parents divorced when I was young, Dad had remarried about 20 years ago and lived about a half hour away from me. We spoke every morning since I had gotten clean and sober myself in July of 2005. Before Dad had gotten sober, there were months on end where we never spoke. When we did it was because he was calling from a bar drunk. He didn't have a phone at home, he spent every penny he made drinking. After he had gotten sober, we still had a relationship but it was strained due to my drinking and using.

The last few months Dad was alive, he would call me while his wife was at work. She worked second shift and we had some of the best talks of our lives then. We had both forgiven each other for the things that had happened over the years when we were each active in our addictions. I know my Dad was in horrible pain. He never came right out and complained, but I could tell. He was on some very heavy duty pain meds that weren't even phasing the Cancer that had consumed his body.

The day my Father died, we had our usual conversation in the morning. It was a Sunday and in the beginning of football season. I remember how excited he was to watch the Bengals and the Browns play that afternoon. The Battle for Ohio, as it's called. (We're Buckeyes) About an hour after the game was over, I called him. He answered the phone sounding very different, speaking softly but not as though he was sleeping. It's very hard to put the words to describe how his voice was. I do remember thinking to myself that the pain meds must have been finally working, he sounded calm, at peace. A few hours later, his wife called. She had came home from work and found him in his favorite chair. The Coroner estimated the time of death. It was right about the time of our phone call. I believe in my heart that when I called, my Sister, who died from cirrhosis of the liver in '91 was there for our Dad. She was there to take him from this life of pain and suffering to a place where we will all meet again.

Yes, my Dad suffered for about 4 or 5 months. But I am so grateful that it wasn't longer. There have been so many people who suffered and lingered from other diseases for many years. I hope you understand when I say that at least when your Dad's time came, he didn't suffer.He passed away quickly. He went peacefully. He had a full day, doing the things he loved. After living a full life, being with the people he loved. I choose to remember all the years with my Dad instead of his passing. I had to realize to wish my Dad had lived longer on this earth would mean him suffering longer than he did. That's selfish of me.

You don't have to tell your Dad goodbye. I believe in my heart that we all will be together again. I can relate also to your pain of having to let your Dad go. I had to sign the papers and make the decision when my Sister was gravely ill. But I remembered her and I talking years earlier after our Grandpa, who was a very active, retired man, had a massive heart attack and strokes. They left him partially paralyzed and unable to do the things he loved. He was so unhappy his last years that he was alive. I would imagine it would have made your Dad miserable if he couldn't run anymore or play golf. You made the right decision. You prevented possible years of suffering.

Time does lessen the pain. But know that the happy memories of your Superman will forever remain in your heart. My sister has been there for 17 years, my Dad for 2 1/2. They will live on in my heart and memories.

God Bless,
Judy

[kj0975]

Thank you. I was at the hospital for a week by his side. I know its hard to say its his time and say goodbye. I have watched as others in my family kept my grandparents on life support cause they couldnt let go. I had to let go the suffering was slowly killing us all. As much as it hurt that wasnt my dad on that bed it was a machine keeping him alive. I think (know) I did the right thing but still hurts.

thanks again for your kind words they mean alot.

[lilkim]

It takes the time it takes. You grieve as long you need. I lost my finacee by suicide, 2 years later mom to cancer and last year my neice to suicide. There's times still that I grieve as hard the day I lost them. Each time one of my grandsons were born, I'd have to have a cry by myself. Thinking of how much my mom would love all this. She would have loved being a great grandma. The hurt doesn't go away but it gets easier. You talk about your daddy as much as you want to. My kids and I talk about the people we've lost and sometimes we cry but sometimes we laugh so hard that we cry. All the memories are special and so very precious because they are the last ones.

[CatsPajamas]

My dad died of heart disease in October of 1993. He was the smartest, funniest and kindest man I have ever known and I still miss him terribly. It took 4 or 5 yrs before I could make it thru an entire Father's Day without breaking down and dissovling into tears.

My grief lessened when I realized I could still talk to him. I imagine his face and talk things over with him. I share my challenges and my sorrows with him. I KNOW there's a difference, but there are times when I am connecting with my HP and it seems He has my dad's face.

My dad's wisdom and his legacy continue. It's just on another plane, if you know what I mean.

HUGS to all of us who have lost our fathers.

Barb

[Emimily]

my dad passed away 7 months ago, oct. 7th 2007. i'm still grieving. lean on your people right now, let them love you, and let yourself feel however it is that you're feeling. maybe our dads are all hanging out together, swapping stories about us when we were little.

much love.

[mywifeisatpeace]

2 songs by the same artist about the passing of his father. i too lost my father when i was 15.


I know all your life you wonder, aout that step we all take alone. how far does a spirit travel on the journey? you must surely be near heaven , and it thrills me to the bone. to know, daddy knows the great unknown.


My father's chair's still standing there
All alone since the long night
Now it's three years on and I still feel
He'll come home, we'll be alright
So where's this healing time brings
I was told the pain would ease
But it still hurts like the first night

That night my brother, my mother and I
Were looking up at a distant star
And wishing we could reach that far
And back in the house
And alone for the first time
We told each other we cared
We avoided my father's chair

I watch my family, we hold on
We are strong and we'll be alright
The clock continues counting down,
All the while
And every child will share the long night
But do the spirits meet again
Why am I still so filled with doubt
Is my soul everlasting

And the far distant future
When I knew you'd be gone
Came too fast and stays too long
Why do they leave the weak of spirit
And take the strong

But wherein the world turns sour
And I get sick from the smell
And I can't find no comfort there
I climb into my father's chair


hope this helps.

[barb dwyer]

yes. It gets easier. I've a 40 year anniversary coming up this Memorial Day.

[indigo]

I'm sorry for your loss allow yourself time to grieve because it does get easier as barb said.

[Ajax]

Wow-these are such strong stories about loss.
My Dad died last March after a long bout with Alzheimer's. He died of Pnemonia because he didn't want any drugs that would prolong his life for any reason. He knew who we were and getting the chance to say goodbye was such a blessing, it's hard to describe. My father's life was reduced to a wheelchair and anxiety about missing meals, etc because he could no longer tell time. My mother's life revolved around a daily 4 hour visit with Dad and then taking care of herself.
The night before he died, I sat on his bed and took his hand and said, "I love you,You know that?" He said, "I'll be there for you" and that was it. I left and he died the next morning, after what we believe to be alittle bit extra dosage of morphine.
Since he was cremated, my mother and I have had such fun bringing "him" to some of his favorite places and leaving alittle of him there. She tells me about her favorite memories of the two of them in these places and we think of somewhere creative, which he would have loved! The last of the ashes are in her garden.
The day of the funeral, my 5 year old walked over to my mother and put his hand in hers and said, I'm sorry you lost your husband". He never really knew my Dad because he was so sick and my mother's made ( a small) effort to get to know my kids more now.
I'm sorry for everyone's losses. This father's Day, plant a tree, or do something in your father's name to honor him. Since I have no grave to visit-which really ticks me off!-I want to do something or create something I can visit. Any ideas anyone?

[kj0975]

Is it possible to plant a tree at one of the place he would have loved or some flowers? Or get a plaque made and put it at one of his favorite places that way you will have a place where you can connect to him?

I want to thank you all for sharing your stories, they do help. Damn here I go crying again!!!

[Impurrfect]

(((Kim)))

It takes a while, but it does get better. It never goes away, though. My mom died almost 17 years ago, and on mother's day, when I was trying to find a card for my stepmom, every card I picked up would have been perfect for mom. I cried all the way to work.

My mom was my best friend, and I truly thought I would wither up and die after she died.

There's no way to get around the grief, but through it. I knew all about the stages of grief, but didn't realize dad and I would be going through different stages at different times. I always loved him, but we weren't that close (like we are now). It was hard when all he wanted to talk about was the night she died, and I just couldn't take it, but we got through.

I hope you can find some time to yourself to just feel your feelings. I know it's hard now and they seem overwhelming. I didn't think I could ever think of my mom without crying, but most of the time now it's her laughter I think of and how silly she could be. I still cry, and there are days I'm mad as hell because she's not here. But I know she IS with me because she's in my heart and my memories.

Sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers!

Amy

[deedee]

(((kim)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's helpful to do anything tangible to honor his memory and help you through the pain. I planted trees in memory of my son, my dad, and my dear friend miracle and everytime I look at one of those trees, I remember and think of them.

peace and prayers ~

deedee