Rollercoaster

[TheQuixotian]

Hi,

So I 've done too posts before but this is my first in this forum which is really where I "fall into" at this point. As I've said before I recently lost a dear friend and soul to alcoholism. He was only 35. I've already recounted bits and pieces in other forums but the grief and guilt is really hitting me hard recently.

I got some great advice and kind words from other members and it does help but it's like the more I learn about this addiction, the more it pains be to know that my friend must have been going through a great deal of emotional pain to drink the way he did. It seems to come down to escape and when I look back, although I loved him dearly and although I was good friend, I also know that there were times that I said and did hurtful things and which did nothing to better the reality that he obviously wanted to escape from. The thought that I could have possibly caused him any additional pain fills me with regret.

Then there were the times when I believed that he could control it and I would cry and get upset with him when the same thing kept happening again and again. "Why don't you stop!".

I know that he went through some issues when he was younger and he did not have it easy but he came so far and had so much confidence that I didn't think he was easily affected but he was...and words can hurt deeply, especially when they come from someone who you love. He wanted a different love than I was willing to give him but I did love him but I know it hurt him not to have those feelings reciprocated and much of this was before the addictive aspect took hold.

I am just rambling at this point but last night I could barely sleep thinking of him hurting in any way. That I didn't listen enough or delve deeper enough or get him to talk enough aboput what was bothering him.

God, he was a man and as cliche as it sounds he was also a child inside - a child that had to take on responsibily from such an early age and it just isn't fair that he shoudl've had to suffer in any way much less from a monster such as this which destroyed his mind and body. I feel like I have to make it up to him in some way, which is why I'm helping his family with some of the adminsitrative matters but I know when that's over, when there's nothing left to do, all I will do is cry.

This is my first real loss and I would never wish this kind of emotional pain on anybody. Trust me, right now it hurts like hell and, good days aside, it really doesn't seem as if it will get better.

Nothing else to say really. You?

[TheQuixotian]

Oh looking back the first sentence should actually say "two" posts

[warrens]

Q

All of us addicts have been on the receiving end of hurtful comments. Comments intended to "wake us up." Comments intended to spur us into some kind of action. We also suffer greatly from various weights that life has asked us to carry.

It simply makes us a member of the human race. Are you drinking to excess right now? Why not? You have tremendous grief and apparently no small amount of guilt. But you sound sober. Why?

Because you don't have the disease. I don't have diabetes and am therefore unlikely to die from lack of insulin. But I sould very well die from alcoholism if I am not proactive in treating it.

Those who survive fatal disease must learn to live in spite of it. The "boy in the bubble" ended up dying.

It's easy to say stop blaming yourself. You sound young. When we are young and inexperienced with death, we look for reasons, for "what ifs." As we age, we become inured to death. Sad but true. Because we see so many who seemingly die for no reason. Under circumstances that make no sense.

Your friend had cancer. A cancer of a different sort. It metastisized and would have with or without you. I offer no explanation because I have none. I cannot explain why I cannot have a single glass of wine for the rest of my life. If I do, I die. I cannot explain as to why, at this point, I am in recovery and your friend is not. I'm no better or no worse a person. No more or less deserving of life.

Accept your profound grief. I grieve for many friends and loved ones I've lost over the years. But do not accept responsibility for his disease and the course it took. No one could have helped me. No one. I still have a terminal disease and will have it when I die. But, for the grace of god, I may just die sober. In many ways it is up to him.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. But I am also happy that you had someone so important in your life. He did too. In the end it is that which counts.

Godspeed,

warren

[Wolfstarr]

...when that's over, when there's nothing left to do, all I will do is cry.

Cry,and let it cleanse your grief, dearheart. Feel it and let the grief find it's path through you...so, in time, it can lessen and acceptance will fill your soul.

I am very sorry for your loss...be gentle with yourself. Sending healing thoughts your way.

Peace...

[indigo]

Yes cry, let go of any regrets you may feel, it's part of the grieving process. I wish you peace of mind and the strength to know you are not alone in your suffering.

[TheQuixotian]

Again, I am sorry for your loss. But I am also happy that you had someone so important in your life. He did too. In the end it is that which counts.

Godspeed,

warren[/quote]
Thank you Warren.

Your words have given me some perpective, particularly in trying to focus on the fact that I had someone so special in my life and hopefully, despite everything, he felt the same way.

I am not too young, 29, but young enough. I have known other who have died under tragic circumstances but never anyone who was this close to me. Truth be told, I don't know if the death of any of my other friends or family would affect me this much. He was just that close to me.

I just hope that pain stops and that I will be able to move forward as I know he would want me to.

[deedee]

(((TQ)))

I hear everything you’re saying and I understand I lost my beautiful, funny 27 yo son just over three years ago … he was an alcoholic as well. I think most of us feel some guilt as part of the grieving process and it’s hard not to go to the should haves and if onlys, especially in the early days. I still go there some days, just not as often. It truly hurts to realize they were in so much pain, but the simple truth is that if love could have saved them … your friend and my son would still be with us today.

Grief is a process, with many twists and turns. There are stages, but other than the initial stage of shock, I haven’t found them to come in any predictable order. A wise friend here told me that grief gets worse before it gets better … and I’ve found that to be so true. We all grieve differently, but time does soften the edges. I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your friend and hope you continue to reach out to us as you walk thru this pain.

peace & prayers ~

deedee

[TheQuixotian]

Thank you Deedee. I am sorry for your loss as well. This is one crazy world and I hope I can continue to find some semblence of meaning in it. Today is not a bad day but it's one day at a time right? My wishes and prayers are with you also.