hospitals and death

[chip]

Hi Everyone,
I usually hang out in the alcoholism section. I came here to get this off my chest.

My family is losing my wife's parents (68 and 70 years old).

We buried her mother on Friday. She fought with cancer for 8 years, and was taken by a bacterial infection (C Difficle). At the end of her life, our family was called in to speak about removing her from life support. Her husband, my wife's Dad, had been at her side the entire time. He was exhausted from sleeping in the hospital lounge and not taking care of himself.

He was in excellent health, and we thought he would be alright once he was able to go home and rest. We did not remove her from life support at that point because she "woke up" and decared that she wasnt' ready to die. We hoped that he could go home for the night to get some sleep.

He went home and had a devestating "stroke" that night.

He underwent emergency brain surgery, and survived. He is paralyzed on his right side and cannot communicate or follow simple instructions. My wife's mother survived an extra 8 days, and during this time we went from hospital to hospital visiting each parent (they were in seperate hospitals, out of town). We also struggled to make burial arrangements for her mother.

She died on Sunday morning. We buried her in the cemetary near our house, and we bought a plot for my wife's father as well...hoping that he wouldn't need it any time soon.

We hoped that he would recover some of his functioning, and that we could move him to a care home near our home.

2 days before the burial for my wife's mother, the hospital informed us of her father's terminal prognosis. He has aggressive melanomia tumours in his brain. The doctor speculated that he has weeks to live. He will be moved to a paliative care ward, where he is expected to survive another 3 weeks.

We are living in the darkness of grief right now. Our lives have been hijacked by hospitals and death.
chip

[CarolD]

Yes...it's a sad time for all of you.
I often find comfort in Psalmns 23.

Hugs and Prayers
(+) (+) (+)

[1963comet]

I am so sorry to hear about your family.

My neighbor's wife died. They were together over 55 years. He was so lost without his wife that he just gave up. For a year all he said was he missed her. He died one year after her.

Maybe this was meant to be that they did not have to grieve for each other. But I know how hard this can be for your family.

[chip]

I found some inspiration in the "daily reflections" for March 17th. It said something about times when the hand of God seems heavy or unfair, there new resources can be found...

We take comfort in the fact that these two people are meant to be together, in life and in death. We couldn't imagine either of them living without the other. They even had the same birthday.
chip

[indigo]

I'm so sorry Chip I will be holding you close to my heart and asking the Universe for peace of mind for you after this double tragedy.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Praying for you and your family Chip..

My best friends parents died within three days of each other. Now, if you don't call that true love, I don't know what I'd call it..

Your in laws are blessed to have found that together.

[Bernadette]

Wow, Chip- what a heavy load.
Just wanted to share a poem by Henry Van Dyke that is used in hospice a lot...it helps me whenever I feel depressed about my father's death...and in that final image it seems as if it is your mother-in-law that will be one of the ones taking up the shout for your father-in-law...

my heart goes out to you and your family...peace--B.


GONE FROM MY SIGHT
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

[deedee]

(((chip)))

I'm so sorry you and your wife are dealing with the pain of losing two loved ones and my heart is with you. Hospitals give me huge anxiety and I hope that you both take time and be gentle with yourselves right now, as much as possible.

Praying for your strength and comfort at this difficult time.

hugs ~

deedee

[chip]

Thank you so much for your replies. They really mean alot to me. Thanks for the poem, Bernadette. I will share it with my wife.
chip

[barb dwyer]

*prayers*

I wish I had something really cool to say.
I don't.
I don't believe - I Know- that souls come to this earth walk to be together for certain amounts of time. When one leaves - they are often followed in short time by the other. I know that it doesn't mean that they loved the ones who remain in this world any the less, I *know* that - but at the same time ... we remain.

I do not know any words of comfort for that simple truth.

I know that this is not the only world we experience. I know that we meet here, because we love and respect each other in other realms. And in my own simpleton heart I cannot but wonder can it matter, really; who is right about how we get here - when held up to the Great Light that we get here at all - because can't the Weight Fantastic alone be enough that we LOVE each other so much - in any world - that we want to be together? Doesn't pretty much EVERYTHING .. pale beside that single miracle?

And I have come to know ... from many many encounters with personal loss in the form of death that ... in time - the celebration of the time together will begin to shine brighter than the loss. Pain and a turning away from certain memories will become ... quiet, timid smiles at sparks of the past. They'll play like little movies into the present. They will hurt less and less. Then they will begin to shine. Then they will bring their own inner comfort.

That, too .. is a gift.
A miracle that grows in time.
And with healing.

This ... I also know.
But these words do not lessen pain.
Do not lessen ... loss.
Do not lighten .. sadness.

I mean no disrespect to anyone's religious beliefs or traditions.

These are nothing more than one woman's observations.
I offer them to you for lack of anything better.
They are the only things that are truly mine to offer.

Your posts, Chip; have often helped me ...
your honesty, and courage to speak your inner truth,
has been a relief to me many many times.

I wanted to reciprocate.
I know it's better not to say anything ...
and that *was* my intention.
but Spirit... wouldn't let me?
Please accept whatever I've written here
in the Spirit it is offered.

*barb*

[Wolfstarr]

How very beautiful a story of life and the sharing of it. May your grief be lessened in knowing they will be together...and that you all were a part of their love...

Many prayers and love sent your way, chip...

[chip]

Thanks Barb. I appreciate what you wrote here. I'm just grasping at the meaning of this, and I supose I will never understand "why". We are just taking things day by day now. Her father is able to communicate a bit more, even though his situation is grave. We have told him about the death of his wife, and we've spent some good time with him. We havn't talked about his medical situation yet, but that will come soon. My wife is making the decisions about things like this, as she should.
chip

[chip]

Well, the saga continues...
Her father is now in palitiative care. We are very sad. We just got back from her mother's memorial service. This is a very dark time in my life.
chip

[CarolD]

Chip...:

Look at your young children and know that
they are a strong healing resource.
I consider my Granchildren
part of my eternal earth life

[barb dwyer]

*prayers*

[chip]

Well, here's the final update.

2 days after the memorial service for her mother, the hospitial palitiave ward contacted us to let us know her father didn't have long to live. We took the kids out of school, and re-located in the city where he is. We spent as much time with him as we could, and watched as the cancer took him. We had the chance to say everything that needed to be said. We took the opportunity to try to make him as comfortable as possible.

We buried him next to his wife. The dirt was stil fresh on her grave, but the snow had begun to melt. We buried her on March 14th. She died at 7am on March 9th. He passed away at 7am on april 4th. We held his funeral on monday.


They are together again, near our home. Their suffering is over. They will not have to languish, apart, in hospitials anymore. They will not be limited by physical illness or disease again.

We are thankful that they are together, and we are thankful for the joy that they gave us in our lives. God has welcomed them home.
chip