being there for friends in grief

[utopia]

hi,

my friends dad is dying of cancer, all quite sudden.

i was wondering, with grief and loss. what has been helpful response from friends and family when uve been going through grief, shock etc?

:praying

[indigo]

I have just lost a friend and a sister and I have been comforted by friends and family, I don't know what to say except that I am very raw at the moment. I am really sorry to hear about your friends dad and I wish him a peaceful passing when the time comes. It's good that she has you to lean on.

[Josie]

I think just to be there and listen.

[greeteachday]

I found that friends who let me know that they are there if I need them, to listen or to just be there...whatever works, are very comforting. There are times when I would want to talk; times when I just wanted to be quiet or distracted, and other times where I wanted to just be alone. "I'm sorry; I'm thinking of you, and I am here if you need anything" are words that can be comforting, I believe. Since your friend is still dealing with the illness and probably not able to do all the things he/she normally does, perhaps making a meal that can be reheated when needed, or offering to help in some way with day to day obligations so she/he can spend time with her/his father, would be appreciated.
What a caring friend you are! Blessings to you.

[deedee]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's father (((utopia)))

I agree with the others and received the most support from my family and friends, who were there and willing to listen and share stories of my son. The weekend after my son passed, my 3 oldest friends and my youngest sister came over, and put the collage together that we used at the funeral service. I had gathered the pictures together, but between being in shock and artistically challenged, I'm not sure I could have put it together myself. So it meant a lot that they would do this for me, and I think it helped them as well to feel useful, since they were also grieving my son.

Here's some other suggestions I found (author unknown):

Ways to Support a Friend in Grief
1. Get in touch. As soon as you learn about the death, visit, phone or write. Even if some time has passed, it's never too late to express your concern and offer to help.
2. Accept your friend's emotions. If angry, listen. If sad, console.
3. Bring a meal. Do this right after the loss and do it from time to time in the weeks and months following the death.
4. Avoid cliches and easy answers. He had a good life... She's out of pain... At least you had 25 years together...These may all be true statements but they are not likely to help. Such sentences tend to minimize the loss. A better response is a simple "I'm sorry" or "What can I do to help?"
5. Offer to clean house. The bereaved often don't have the energy to do this and a clean home can lift the spirits. Bring your own cleaning supplies.
6. Drop off flowers.
7. Bring over some inspirational magazines or tapes of soothing music.
8. Give the gift of your time. Walk and talk together.
9. Hug your friend. An embrace conveys deep affection and support when grief is hard and heavy.
10. Invite your friend over for dinner or out to a movie, concert or sporting event.
11. If your friend has young children offer to baby-sit for an evening, a day or even a weekend.
12. Offer your skills and expertise with insurance forms, probate or taxes. If you have "handyman" skills, offer those. They can be invaluable.
13. Do everything you can to plant seeds of hope. Let your friend know you believe in him or her and know that, day by day, he or she will get through grief.
14. Remember your friend on special days such as anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays.
15. Encourage activities you and your friend can do together, such as joining reading or discussion groups or taking a class together.
16. Talk about the deceased and the loss. Your friend wants and needs people who are open to hearing about the feelings of love and loss.
17. Visit regularly with your friend. Not every visit needs to be emotionally charged but just the simple face of your presence will be comforting.
18. Write notes of encouragement. These can be read and reread for cheer and inspiration.
19. Be pratical and specific. Think about your friend's needs. If one offer is refused, don't be hurt and don't give up. Try again and again.
20. Let the bereaved cry. Remember, tears are healing. Don't be embarrassed or or intimidated if, during conversation, tears flow. It's natural, appropriate and healthy to cry when there has been a loss.
21. Accept silence. Don't force conversation if the bereaved doesn't feel like talking. Always let the grieving person lead emotionally.
22. Exercise patience with your friend. The journey through grief can take years.

[barb dwyer]

well .... the first thing *I* would do is thank the God of my understanding that I am *able* to offer anything to someone else.

I don't try to come up with anything cool to say.
There is nothing that can be said.

IT's just something that has to be gotten through.
I mean, if you look around and see the trash needs taking out -
maybe do something like that.
Dishes piling up ... dog needs a walk ...
see if they'd like some company to go wash the car ...
something like that.

Sometimes we want to 'do something' so badly
we get in the way.
This is, ultimately ...
The most private thing these two are ever going to do.

SO just listen.
And watch.

*prayers*

[best]

Can't add anything more to what has been said but to say...

We are here with you and for you. When you share the burden of your friend's pain, just by being there and listening, you may need a ear that will listen and help you carry the pain as well.