lost.

[Mack23]

there was a baby growing in a beautiful womans belly. the baby was mine but i didnt want it. i didnt want to be a father. now the baby is gone. and i feel...i don't know. almost a week ago my ex was in a car accident. that tiny baby girl inside her was crushed and died. she was buried on monday. theres no headstone yet. my ex is in the hospital and her family don't want me there cause i'm using again - 40 days and then i threw it all away again. it's okay i respect their wishes or whatever but i haven't seen her and i don't know how bad it is and all i know is that it's been almost a week and she still hasn't woken up and i'm terrified that she might not wake up at all and i just can't if i lose her if she dies i just can't go on. she's everything she's the only person who ever understood me like really got me and accepted me despite all the bullshit i put her through sometimes. she's a beautiful person and if she dies i'll never get to apologize for being such an ******* and for breaking her heart by saying i didn't want the baby. i didn't want the baby because i didn't want to put that kid through what i was put through and i know it's in me. i know it is. and i don't want to hurt my kid like that. this year has been crazy. so much has happened and i haven't talked to anyone about it i just let it all build up until the only way out was to numb myself with the drugs. and now the only person i have ever been able to talk to is lying up in that hospital bed and i can't be there for her like she's been there for me because i can't keep my nose and my veins clean. i'm throwing everything away for nothing for something that's gonna kill me. getting high has been my way of dealing with things since i was 8-9-10 i don't know any other way to deal with things and i know it shouldn't be like that. you should see her she's so beautiful and graceful and she has the biggest heart. she's strong stronger than i am so i know that she's able to get better but it just kills me that i can't be there and that i haven't seen her and that i don't know if she's gonna be okay. and i feel so guilty because i said i didn't want that baby and now that baby isn't here anymore. i said some mean things to her that night. the night of the car accident. i didn't mean it i was just embarrassed that she found out i was already back to using again and i was just sad that i had disappointed her again so i lashed out. i don't want that to be the last words i ever said to her. because i love her. i don't say that kind of thing to anyone and i don't think i've ever said that to her but i do. i really do. she's the only person in this world that i've ever loved. she deserves better than me. way better. i don't really believe in god and i don't pray but...maybe some of yall that do would pray for her. and for the baby. my daughter. i would have named her after my mom. Alicia.

[deedee]

(((mack)))

What very sad news and of course, my prayers go out for your girlfriend and for all of you. Life can change in a heartbeat and sometimes, there are no second chances to do things differently or take back words. You can't change the past Mack, but you can give yourself a chance by loving yourself enough to reach out for help and find a better way. You had 40 days, you can do it again. Please check out the newcomers forum here ... there are many others who have walked in your shoes and I know you'll find support there.

[Josie]

Me too Mack. I am so sorry you have to go thru this.

You and your loved one are in my thoughts and prayers.

[kelsh]

So sorry Mack. I lost one baby when she was four and a half months old. It was so hard...still remember it so clear yet today and it happened 38 years ago.

Take care of you and I pray your girlfriend will be okay.

[abouttochange]

Have you heard Tracy Chapman's song, "Change?"

Check it out on Youtube or just Google it: it could help!!!!

NA has helplines, just go to their website and call! There's no better day than today to make your life great!!!!