Feedback from survivors??

[Tom's friend]

I am devasted and grieving the loss of my friend who was found in his homeseveral days after he apparently died from the ravages of a drug addiction he fought for 36 years. He was only 55. I have wept 20 million tears and can face my grief in large part because I knew the truth of what was happening with him but could stop him. He and I had made peace with his situation because I could love him in spite of his refusal to get help or make changes that would let him live. He also had Hepatitis C.

His family lives in another state and do not know any of his friends or details of his life during the last few years but do know his long history...they believed he had been clean (or mostly clean) for the past 12 years..As a way to help me heal and to help the family know their son, brother, uncle was loved, I sent a 12 page letter with as much detail as possible outlining our wonderful times together and the recall of a few difficult ones but with great love in my words.

Tonight, his grieving sister called to tell me how she had read the letter over and over and loved it although it made her cry many times.

My dilemma is that she wanted to know as many details as I knew about him, his health, the timeline before his death and as much information as I could provide about who/how/why/when we all saw him last to answer her questions and soften her grief. She wasn't calling to point fingers or interrogate as all of his friends in contact with the family are not users. She wants to fill the void and inevitable questions of guilt they faced for not being there...

I told her the truth as I knew it and answered all of her questions to the best of my ability. I know I have always wanted to know the details - all of them- when someone in my family has died...but I need to know if it was right to burden her grief with "the bad" even though she asked? She knew I loved him and she said she knew something was wrong but he wouldn't let them in...She also said they did not know he had Hepatitis but suspected it.

As a survivor of a death of your loved one from drug abuse or suicide, do you think I should have told her the truth? She kept asking if he died of a heart attack or from the hepatitis? I know he died from a weekend of drug fueled partying - the "supplier" was seen going to his home to deliver the drugs for the event and he was high for 3 days, then crashed and then took more to even himself out.

Should I have filtered it? I'm wracked more with guilt now than ever...

Help.

Thanks.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR...
I am sorry for your loss.

As she asked...I think you did the correct thing.

It was kind of you to write so they know
he was loved and will be missed.

Blessings and Prayers of comfort to you.

[Josie]

I will never know what led up to my son's death. His cousin was there and his guilt refuses to let him be honest with me.
I think you did the right thing.

I am very sorry for your loss.

[deedee]

(((Tom'sFriend)))

My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your dear friend. I know this must have been a very difficult letter for you to write, and even though you shared some of the bad times, I doubt if they were any worse than what the family would have imagined in their minds. I think you did a wonderful thing in reaching out to them, and knowing that their Tom was loved and not alone will bring them much comfort in the days ahead.

My thoughts and prayers are with you ... for peace, comfort and strength ... as you go thru this very difficult time

[indigo]

IMO you did the right thing. I am very sorry for your loss.

Caring hugs

[ladyjane]

I can tell you that as a grieving mother, I would have wanted to know the truth. You did the right thing.

Trish

[greeteachday]

I'm very sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing so much with his family...Tom was lucky to have such a wonderful friend.

I've lost a child to an overdose, a mom in a fatal accident and a younger brother to a sudden death. I know I wanted to know details too...it helped me process my grief a little more in those harrowing first days and weeks. There are many things I will never know in each death, but it truly did help to speak with people who knew each of my loved ones well...who had some thoughts to share...who cared.

I too think you did a beautiful thing. I know it is easier said than done, but please don't feel guilty. I hope you will share her or in one of the friends and family forums if it will helped you to heal. Hugs

[danib]

i lost a friend who was only 30 years old to an overdose. i was there first, i tried to revive him & i was in charge when the paramedics came. i helped his widow & 3 children. they knew the truth, but his mother did not. it happened at the home of our other dear friend, an addict as well with chronic back pain issues - the friend who died had gotten into his meds. the mother blamed our poor friend, & had to be told that her son had a history of taking other people's medications & that our other friend had not willingly given them to him. it's very hard, but i believe the truth needs to be told in these situations. it's best for all involved. maybe sometimes on a case by case basis, but in our case it was the right thing.

[barb dwyer]

absolutely did the right thing. I'm very sorry for your loss.

She's looking to make sense of an impossible story, and to make some kind of closure. (at least that's how it sounded from your post.) Like maybe trying to reconcile who she grew up with ... with whom he ended up becoming ...

*prayers*

[brighthope]

You did the right thing.

God bless you. Take care.

[1963comet]

I know you did the right thing and I am sorry.

My first husband froze to death under a bridge because he was to drunk to go back to the homeless shelter he was staying at. My sister and I went there to find out what happened. I was so glad that people talked to me. Not having answers only makes it worse. :sorry