My Marty's 2yr anniversary - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

debmar · 10-02-2007, 12:52 AM

My God,

I must admit this is not the type of anniversary I intended to well in a way, you have to come to a point when you do celebrate the life of your lost love.

I am not to that point, far from it, I get flashbacks and relive how everything played out that very eve of my husband's tragic death before my very eyes, almost every single minute and it just enters my mind like clockwork,

I have been in a dark place for the past two weeks anticipating this day,

I do the full self torture tour in my head, all the way down to his last words, but for some reason reality and reliving is the only way I make it through, and I pray that one day, I can have that day approach, and not go through that pain in that way,

so that I can celebrate such a wonderful life, I know it will just take time, time does heal, and that actually makes me feel guilty, not relief?

I have found my own identity and changed things in my life, and lived on with a firm resolve to everyday say my baby's name and always stay connected and talk to him, that gives me peace.

LOL, i'm feeling guilty today for getting a new kitchen table, I have changed things around to suite my single life and I feel rotten and guilty that I'm and I hate this word in my head, "erasing" memories of "our" things from "our house", but i do hear him saying if you like it get it Deb, like he always did......

So, to honor our Anniversary married 19yrs on September 16th, two weeks prior to his death, and do to something I could not do for myself, because only Marty asked me this once before, many yrs ago, he said "Deb quit smoking" and I did cold turkey, never looked back.

When he relapsed, well, I joined him, I ran back for cigarettes, and have continued to smoke at an alarming 3 packs a day, down from when he was alive which was probably 4 or 5 on any given horrible day, I decided to quit smoking again for Myself and in Honor of Marty's Day, knowing if he could come down and kick my butt, he so would, lol, and so,

I'm proud to say, Thank You God for Laser Concepts, that last thursday, I chain smoked two packs before my appt, and went in for the laser, came out and have not smoked again, and have no desire at all, not even a thought, or a trigger, amazing, I really am shocked how this has played out, and blessed once again.

Marty, I love you so, and some thoughts, the fact that cocaine took you I don't think I will ever let go, knowing we will never walk this earth again together, drives my mind over the edge of such unhappiness and despair, but through God's grace, I get up everyday and fight and go forward, because I can't let cocaine indirectly get me too, realizing there is nothing I can do to change it, I accept it and live with it, you had a disease and your disease was chronic, for life.................

Your Loving Wife, Debbie

I have a website for Marty and post continually on there my feelings and thoughts, but it's so important to be here to help others see, we are built to survive tragedy and pull others through the pain, untill we all can live again

Wolfstarr · 10-02-2007, 04:40 AM

(((((Deb))))))

Love you, dear heart. Prayers and rememberance today for you, and for Marty.

Peace, Love and Light to you.

ladyjane · 10-02-2007, 07:17 AM

Praying for you and for Marty.
Trish

Mack23 · 10-02-2007, 01:45 PM

I am so sorry for your loss...

So many thoughts right now, don't know what else to say.

Mack

deedee · 10-02-2007, 05:18 PM

(((Debbie)))

Lighting a candle tonight for your Marty and holding you so close in my thoughts and prayers

Josie · 10-03-2007, 11:32 PM

Thinking of you Deb.

Congratulations on the smoking!

indigo · 10-05-2007, 04:25 AM

You are in my heart.

Hope · 10-06-2007, 12:20 AM

(((Deb)))

***greeteachday*** · 10-07-2007, 07:04 PM

((((Debbie)))) I hope your days are more comforting now...The days preceding anniversaries are so hard. Congratulations on choosing to quit smoking for you. I know Marty is proud of you and how you have found life for you. Hugs

pmaslan · 10-25-2007, 03:44 PM

I have been worried about you.....the last time we spoke was the day before
my birthday party and you seemed very excited about coming.
I was really suprised that you didn't. I tried to call you a couple of weeks
ago, I left a message. I didn't realize all of these anniversary dates were
happening....I am sorry I wasn't there for you....I have missed you.......
You know you can always call me....please do.
Patty

10-02-2007, 12:52 AM	#1 (permalink)
debmar debbleslosthermarbles Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: ChicagoBurbs Posts: 75	My Marty's 2yr anniversary My God, I must admit this is not the type of anniversary I intended to well in a way, you have to come to a point when you do celebrate the life of your lost love. I am not to that point, far from it, I get flashbacks and relive how everything played out that very eve of my husband's tragic death before my very eyes, almost every single minute and it just enters my mind like clockwork, I have been in a dark place for the past two weeks anticipating this day, I do the full self torture tour in my head, all the way down to his last words, but for some reason reality and reliving is the only way I make it through, and I pray that one day, I can have that day approach, and not go through that pain in that way, so that I can celebrate such a wonderful life, I know it will just take time, time does heal, and that actually makes me feel guilty, not relief? I have found my own identity and changed things in my life, and lived on with a firm resolve to everyday say my baby's name and always stay connected and talk to him, that gives me peace. LOL, i'm feeling guilty today for getting a new kitchen table, I have changed things around to suite my single life and I feel rotten and guilty that I'm and I hate this word in my head, "erasing" memories of "our" things from "our house", but i do hear him saying if you like it get it Deb, like he always did...... So, to honor our Anniversary married 19yrs on September 16th, two weeks prior to his death, and do to something I could not do for myself, because only Marty asked me this once before, many yrs ago, he said "Deb quit smoking" and I did cold turkey, never looked back. When he relapsed, well, I joined him, I ran back for cigarettes, and have continued to smoke at an alarming 3 packs a day, down from when he was alive which was probably 4 or 5 on any given horrible day, I decided to quit smoking again for Myself and in Honor of Marty's Day, knowing if he could come down and kick my butt, he so would, lol, and so, I'm proud to say, Thank You God for Laser Concepts, that last thursday, I chain smoked two packs before my appt, and went in for the laser, came out and have not smoked again, and have no desire at all, not even a thought, or a trigger, amazing, I really am shocked how this has played out, and blessed once again. Marty, I love you so, and some thoughts, the fact that cocaine took you I don't think I will ever let go, knowing we will never walk this earth again together, drives my mind over the edge of such unhappiness and despair, but through God's grace, I get up everyday and fight and go forward, because I can't let cocaine indirectly get me too, realizing there is nothing I can do to change it, I accept it and live with it, you had a disease and your disease was chronic, for life................. Your Loving Wife, Debbie I have a website for Marty and post continually on there my feelings and thoughts, but it's so important to be here to help others see, we are built to survive tragedy and pull others through the pain, untill we all can live again __________________ DO WHAT YOU CAN AND THEN PRAY THAT GOD WILL GIVE YOU THE POWER TO DO WHAT YOU CANNOT *St. Augustine* SOY, PALOMA BLANCA DEBBBIE

10-02-2007, 04:40 AM	#2 (permalink)
Wolfstarr Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Deeeep South Posts: 767	(((((Deb)))))) Love you, dear heart. Prayers and rememberance today for you, and for Marty. Peace, Love and Light to you. __________________

10-02-2007, 05:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
deedee Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Faith~Hope~Love Posts: 933	(((Debbie))) Lighting a candle tonight for your Marty and holding you so close in my thoughts and prayers __________________ ~ While the light lasts I shall remember and in the darkness I shall not forget ~

10-03-2007, 11:32 PM	#6 (permalink)
Josie Grace Under Fire Join Date: May 2002 Location: Another world Posts: 540	Thinking of you Deb. Congratulations on the smoking! __________________ Josie

10-05-2007, 04:25 AM	#7 (permalink)
indigo Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,928	You are in my heart. __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

10-02-2007, 07:17 AM	#3 (permalink)
ladyjane Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Danville,Va Posts: 304	Praying for you and for Marty. Trish

10-02-2007, 01:45 PM	#4 (permalink)
Mack23 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 16	I am so sorry for your loss... So many thoughts right now, don't know what else to say. Mack

10-06-2007, 12:20 AM	#8 (permalink)
Hope Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 3,300	(((Deb)))

10-07-2007, 07:04 PM	#9 (permalink)
*greeteachday* Just Me Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: a better place Posts: 3,857	((((Debbie)))) I hope your days are more comforting now...The days preceding anniversaries are so hard. Congratulations on choosing to quit smoking for you. I know Marty is proud of you and how you have found life for you. Hugs __________________ Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith - Margaret Shepherd

10-25-2007, 03:44 PM	#10 (permalink)
pmaslan Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Chicago, IL Posts: 2,333	I have been worried about you.....the last time we spoke was the day before my birthday party and you seemed very excited about coming. I was really suprised that you didn't. I tried to call you a couple of weeks ago, I left a message. I didn't realize all of these anniversary dates were happening....I am sorry I wasn't there for you....I have missed you....... You know you can always call me....please do. Patty __________________ Patty you either make dust...or eat dust. H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode