can't think of a title

[ranae1221]

i should be happy, right? after all the house sold today, pretty much what was being asked for it. now all the debts can be paid, no more harressing phone calls or threat of "legal action", no more stressing about making the house payment every month.

but all i feel like doing is crying. this was the home shirley and lived i in, the home we grew to be each other's family- she was the mom i never had, i was the daughter she had always wanted-, the home where we both fought that evil disease of cancer, the home that she died in almost 10 months ago now.

there is no logical reason for me to keep the house- i can't afford it on my own, and i don't need a 3 bedroom house when i am now alone. i feel like once i leave there this will all be real. she really is gone.

it's just a house. a stupid house. but it was our home. i don't know if i am ready to give that up, to let it go, to let her go. to move on.

this whole thing sucks.

[best]

The memories go with you no matter where you live.
A sale is an ending but it is also a begining.
Take those memories with you, no box needed because they fit nice and neat in your heart and thoughts.

[debmar]

Wow Jessica, I'm kind of going through that now. It's gonna be a year since I lost my husband in this house. We had no children and I'm sitting in a six bedroom 3000sqft. expense. I've thought about downsizing for sanity, but I think like you said, once I walk out that door, I will go insane. We worked our entire lifes to have this white pickett fence life, with a horror of addiction behind closed doors chasing us. It got my husband and I don't want it to get me too. I'm working on letting go, it's hard. I sympathize with what your going through, it's like another loss.......but as BEST said so well and so true, he will come with me where ever I live, and hey besides I have his urn at home he has no choice, still keeping a sense of humor, it helps. Take Care, Debbei

[DesertEyes]

Hey there Jessica,

Not too long ago I lost my step-Dad. He was an amazing man that loved the whole world. He was an inspiration to me, and the only man I ever connected to as a father-figure and role model. We had to sell his house too, and it hurt something awful.

I kept a few things of his, to help me feel his presence in a tangible way when I feel his loss. I kept an old toolbox of his, the one he used when he was just married and starting out in life. I kept a camera he gave me as a wedding gift. Once a year I drive out to his grave, far out in the desert where he loved the sunsets, I have a little stone I push against his marker and keep with me. I put a little flag in the ground because he was very proud of being a soldier in WWII.

He spent his entire life building for his little family, and reaching out to others in need. That house was his pride and joy. We sold it because we couldn't afford it. The money went to help the people he loved most, help us continue building our own life so that he could be proud of us. We sold the house to a young couple who were just getting their own start in life. The guy was a fireman, just like my step-dad had been most of his life.

Before we sold the house I took a whole day to say goodbye to the house. I stopped in every room and touched the walls and the furniture. I went thru every wonderful memory I have about the love and good times that room brought to me. Every single room, the back yard, the front yard, the garage. Even the air conditioner I once had to fix in the middle of summmer.

In every room I told myself that this was the place where I had built memories, but this room was not the place where I had built a life with this man as part of my family. The place where I have built my life is in _my_ heart. The house, the rooms, the little town in the middle of the desert is not what he devoted his life to. He devoted his life to his family, and that family is _me_, and his love lives in my heart.

Someday soon I'll be leaving too. I worked my whole life to build my own little family, just like my step dad did. I don't want them to remember me in a house, or in furniture, or in any object that I may have touched in my life. I want them to remember me in their hearts as they raise their own families. The whole point of my step dads life was to give _me_ a life, and that has been the whole point of mine. To give my family their own life.

I did not give up that home when I sold the house. I took the home with me and made it a part of where I now live. I did not walk away from the wonderful memories I have from that place, I took them with me and used them to build new ones where I know live. I have not moved on from the kindness and love that man showed me, I have taken it with me and used it to give to others in the same he gave it to me.

I never met your Shirley, but I think she would want you to have a good life, and to remember her in your heart and not in a house.

Have a big hug Jessica, I know how much this hurts.

Mike

[ranae1221]

thank you. i will try to keep in mind what you have all said. today is a bit better, at least i am starting to make plans of finding a new place. i have 25 days to pack and find a new place.

the whole thing still sucks though.

[Wolfstarr]

(((ranae))))

No wisdom or advice, just prayers...thinking of you...
Wolf

[greeteachday]

Jessica, I think the words about memories being in our heart and with some special momentos is quite true, but I know what you mean. At the time that you have to let go of that house and all that it was and move on to an unknown, it does truly suck.
Thinking of you as you go through this difficult time. I don't know if it is of any comfort to know that others understand, but please know we care.

[liveweyerd]

hugs of comfort to you!

[deedee]

(((Ranae)))

You will have Shirley with you wherever you go, but I understand the pain of letting go, especially when you're not quite ready. Sending prayers for peace and comfort.