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Old 08-29-2013, 04:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Dyke in distress...

Well, I guess "lesbian" is a more polite term.

My partner is rather controlling...and I'm not just saying this because I'm an alcoholic. She needs to have control of her environment.

We've been together for fourteen years, and I am employed by her. We started out our relationship drinking together...splitting a bottle plus of wine together with meals each evening. Things have devolved and I admit that I enjoy the wine (I think) much more than her. Or, I used to think.

I have been banished to the first floor guest room of our house for the last three weeks. My partner has finished off two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon last weekend- after attending al-anon meetings with which to deal with my issues. Not to mention an entire box of cereal (another issue altogether).

I talked with my sponsor, and she said I need to not make my partner my higher power, which I have done. I sort of think my partner has her own issues, although she loves being angry with me.

Any insight?

Thanks,
Nettles
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Old 08-29-2013, 11:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Nettles, welcome to the GLBT section of SR.

Sorry you are struggling right now. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you but unfortunately I don't even have any good experience to share.

I met my partner in sobriety, in AA in fact so we never drank together nor have we seen each other drunk. She has been sober 14 years and I 12. We have been together 12 years. Yes, we broke that rule of starting a relationship in early sobriety as I started dating her when I was about 4 months sober. We both have built strong support groups around us and have made a point to not make each other our HP.

I do wish you the best and hope you are able to find some solutions.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Nettles,

Well, I can relate to the partner having control issues. I don't know how long you've been sober/clean, but I can tell you that I was much more in the victim/subordinate stance when I was drinking/using and for the first week or so after getting the crap out of my system. After a couple of weeks off alcohol and drugs, I started being much more direct (even, at times, somewhat vehemently so, heh heh - gotta work on my delivery) about my needs and checking out what I interpret as passive-aggressive behavior.

It does sound as though there's an imbalance of power in the relationship, as I felt there was in mine; it's hard to say if that's a problem in and of itself or if it was brought on, or even just magnified, by alcoholic behavior. My wife/partner (I don't like 'partner' - sounds like a law firm!) has the tendency to be controlling, but I can see where my behavior really put her in the more responsible, parental role - my behavior helped enhance and magnify that controlling behavior, to the point where she thought, probably unconsciously, that it was necessary.

I can set boundaries and show up more efficiently in the relationship now (whereas before, if I felt slighted, controlled, disrespected or whatever, I'd blow it off and just go medicate with oxy and alcohol), and I think she's actually relieved, even if it's more work now because I have opinions, conflicting needs/wants and have more of a voice.

I don't know if, in early sobriety, you can really get a good perspective of the relationship. If you're able, I'd concentrate as much as possible on just your issues and sobriety and leave her to her stuff. Who knows - her drinking, and even sounds like some bingeing, may be just some stress acting out of her own and may taper off.

It's tempting, I think, to want to just get busy and fix our lives ASAP but, honestly, I think focusing on your recovery at this point is paramount, and must come first.

HTH...
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Old 09-05-2013, 07:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks, Nan and Dylan. What you said really resonates. I am early in recovery. With that said, my partner is a controlling individual. I'm sure we both have a lot of growing to do.

She has revealed all the tawdry details of my last drunk to all of our friends and acquaintances, which just makes me want to say "screw it all". You know? I have never felt this shamed and exposed. This is going to take a lot of thinking. I was going to accompany her to an Indigo Girls concert tomorrow night...just found out today that she's taking another woman.
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Old 10-02-2013, 07:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Update...

Things are improving steadily on the home front. Just collected my thirty day coin last week, and I suspect I'll be out of detention before too long.
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Old 10-02-2013, 10:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Congrats on your 30 days. That is a big accomplishment.

I am happy to hear that things are improving and hope that they continue to do so for you. Thanks for giving us the update. Take care
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Old 10-11-2013, 06:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hey, congrats Nettles, and glad to hear it's getting better at home!

I am in a bit of a probationary period, myself, heh heh. My wife/parter will ask me occasionally, "So how many days do you have now?" Like she cares, lol. I finally said, "Are you asking if I'm still sober?" And she said, "Yeah....is that okay?" I told her of course it is, but let's be honest about what's really being asked. It'll probably take a bit before she feels like it's a given...and maybe the same for you at home, too...
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