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Old 08-29-2013, 11:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Portland, OR
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Hot Mess....rock and hard place

Hello. My life is feeling like a hot mess right now. I am in my early 40's. I have been married for a man for a decade and a half. I am in love with a lesbian who has a decade sober (and the sentiment is returned. which shocks the heck out of me. and makes me giddy and terrified). I have always considered myself bisexual. But something has changed. My spirituality has become more goddess oriented...more left...way off the beaten path as my husband has not participated in this to me. I feel like I want a feminine based spirituality, this is something I can't really explain. I met my woman friend at a spiritual class of this nature. I had been drinking way too much and feeling wrong about it. I had no idea how much my drinking was numbing my feelings. So on some levels my drinking wasn't really affecting anything concrete on the outside world and I was surprised that I seemed to be "getting away" with drinking a bottle of wine almost every night. Back when I was a teen , my parents threw me in rehab and I spent my high school years in the school AA group. I really hadn't done all that much then. But I know all about AA from then. Honestly, I don't know why I remember so much of it. I must known that I would need it later. Anyway, here are the ways in which my drinking (almost said alcoholism...ouch...ok, alcoholism...Ouch!!!) has been affecting things: one, I hide the bottles and I hide how much I drink from my husband. I throw bottles in the trash instead of recycling often so neighbors don't see how much. I am embarrassed when I buy alcohol at the store I work at because I think or know some people notice. And mostly I recently have found that it numbs my emotions far beyond anything I would have suspected. And perhaps has allowed me to stay in this relationship with my husband which is problematic internally for me but doesn't have much in the way of observable problems, other than the complete absence of sex and spirituality. Anyway, I decided I would not drink at home alone anymore on July 30th. Yesterday, my "woman friend" (lol, woman I am madly in love with) was saying we just need to be limited friends and I couldn't believe how much that upset me I have had sex with women. (Yes).. But there is something about experiencing LOVE for a woman that puts this in a completely different ballpark and makes me willing to pretty much relinquish my Bisexual sign and trade it in for an upgrade. Actually, I think the sex is about pretty much the same, but it's the emotions that are different. And I can't explain that. Anyway, to wrap this up I drank last night, not that much, because I don't have that much and had just gotten started, when She called to check on me. (I swear we have some kind of psychic link or karmic link or something). We talked for 3 hours. I have no idea if "we" are on or off or what. But it really isn't a healthy position for her to be in and we can't camp out here in limbo for long. I am further worried about my drinking being that I made a decision not do it and I did it anyway. Of course I do that with my diet too. She is the first person I have ever been honest about my drinking with. You all are now the second...and third...etc. I think the thought that lead to it was something about not being able to leave my husband because of how much that would hurt him (and I love him). So now I have less than one day to finish up a ton of stuff for some summer college courses I am taking so I feel like I am f-ing up that too because all of this woman stuff has been on my mind. Oh. Also right now she needs to move. So the opportunity to move in with her is wide open, but she needs to move soon and it wont stay open long and it might be hard for me to get my ass in gear. I have the name of a counselor I am probably going to set up an appointment with today but I am scared to do that too for some reason! I do think I would be happier living the rest of my days with a sexy, warm blooded, goddess oriented woman like Her, however I am not completely miserable in my marriage, it's just that always something not quite there thing. Ok...thanks for letting me share my little mess with you. I am going to attempt to write a bunch of papers now. Oh, and I have inattentive ADD which people don't normally notice but does add some complicating factors to things. Thanks for letting me share. Neptune Sun
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Old 08-29-2013, 09:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Hello Neptune and welcome to SR and the GLBT corner of the boards.

I am someone who was married to men twice before coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian. I am in my late 40's and when I was growing up it was a completely different world than it is today as far as LGBT rights and information goes. So different in fact that growing up I can not think of one person I knew that was gay or out although I am sure there was someone who was gay they were just in the closet which is where we were shoved. I knew early on I was different but I was raised in an ultra religious home where it was made clear that gay people were horrible people who were going to hell. I spent many years running from that part of myself between how I was raised and the society I was living in until I finally figured out I had to stop trying to please everyone else and be who I am. That was in my mid 30's. I have been out every since with no regrets even though I have been fired from a job for being gay and lost "friends" and "family" because they could not accept who I am. I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I married my first husband right out of high school. We dated all through high school and he was one of my best friends. It just seemed like what everyone expected me to do so I did it. I loved him as a friend which is different than the romantic, committed love I have for my partner. My second husband was just a big drunk mistake and there was no love lost there. I met my partner in Alcoholics Anonymous. She has two more years sober than I do. We have been together 12 years now. I have also been sober 12 years. I met my partner a few months after starting AA. I guess I say all that background to let you know where I am coming from in my response to your post which may be very different than where you are at.

I guess my first thought is you talk about multiple decisions and problems in your post. The concerns about hurting your husband if you were to choose to leave him. The concerns about losing your chance to move in with the woman you feel you are in love with if you don't decide soon. The concerns about your drinking. The concerns about whether you are bisexual or a lesbian.

As far as whether you are bisexual or a lesbian one way to look at that is do labels really matter? Who you love is what is important not the label that you or someone else puts on you. If you are in love with a woman but have also been in love with a man then maybe your a bisexual and that is ok as there is nothing wrong with that. If you are like me and were just with me because you felt pushed by society into being with them, never really loving them only loving women then likely you are a lesbian and that is ok and nothing wrong with that. If you love me and tried women but did not really love them then you are probably straight and that too is ok and nothing wrong with that. What really matters is being comfortable in our own skin.

As far as hurting your husband goes; there is no way around it if you leave him or have an affair you are going to hurt him and he is going to feel pain and likely anger. Time usually helps heal some of those wounds but likely your friendship with him will be deeply hurt and most likely beyond repair. But if you are in love with someone else it is not fair to him to stay with him while being with someone else emotionally and or physically. The longer that goes on the more pain and destruction that is incurred.

As far as the time factor and moving in. Sometimes the timing on things is not right. If you are not emotionally ready to end it with your husband then the timing is not right and if you are meant to be with this woman then the window will open back up and the two of you will find a way to move in together later. There is no reason to rush such a major decision.

Drinking, what can I say except my experience has been that the major decisions I have made in my life drinking vs sober, I would always choose the sober ones as they were better choices by far. I would consider finding a support group or recovery group. I utilize AA and it works well for me. There are a lot of them in the Portland area in fact they run pretty much 24 hours a day 7 days a week here. There are even several LGBT AA meetings in the area. I am not sure about Tigard but since it is so close I am sure there are a lot there and if not then Portland is just around the corner.

Therapy, that is the other thing you were concerned about. It definitely could not hurt with all the major decisions you are facing right now.

Anyway, sorry this has been so long. I wish you the best and hope you find some peace in your life.
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NOTE: All BB quotes are from the 1st Edition of the Big Book
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.
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