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Old 06-10-2013, 04:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
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do we break up?

I need some questions framed in recovery to decide if i should end my relationship with my partner.

we've been together a while but i just feel like when we fight, its more often than not - im not sure if we are connecting less and less or if im just coloured in my thoughts right now from the past 24 hours.

I feel I could go on about all the things in our past but tonight i just felt a pang of distance and isolation and futility.

What makes one couple break up and one make up - does it come from a loving feeling or from a persistent belief things will improve or a fear that this is as good as it gets?? Mind is clouded at the moment and my dear friends dont have the time...
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Utopia,

Thats a great question, hard to answer though!

Looking at my own relationship with my partner for the last 16 years I think it really comes down to us both really caring about each other - we care about the others well being. That caring is going in both directions. When we disagree or argue we have always been able to work through it - sometimes painfully, sometimes not quickly, but we have.
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Old 06-17-2013, 06:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by utopia View Post
I need some questions framed in recovery to decide if i should end my relationship with my partner.

we've been together a while but i just feel like when we fight, its more often than not - im not sure if we are connecting less and less or if im just coloured in my thoughts right now from the past 24 hours.

I feel I could go on about all the things in our past but tonight i just felt a pang of distance and isolation and futility.

What makes one couple break up and one make up - does it come from a loving feeling or from a persistent belief things will improve or a fear that this is as good as it gets?? Mind is clouded at the moment and my dear friends dont have the time...

I think a lot of people stay together because they are afraid to be single. When I was in the full throws of alcoholism, people dated me, and wanted to keep dating me. I was like, wtf is wrong with you? I never show up or call, and we dont even have anything in common. lol. Ive never needed to date to feel complete, and now being sober 2 years, I dont plan on dating at all until I find someone I can really see a future with.

Life is too short to stick with someone who makes you miserable, unless you enjoy drama. Never stay just to avoid being single or living on your own.
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Old 06-17-2013, 10:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Like Nighthawk, I've never needed to date or needed a partner so I don't know if my advice is helpful but I have friends who have been together over 30 years and I see a lot of what I would want when/if I get a partner.

One thing that stands out is that both of them are committed to growth, both their own individual growth and that of their relationship. They are also committed to respectfully working things out. And they do unconventional things, like one partner really wanted to live in a community so she did for a year without the other. They can live apart to pursue their dreams while still being very much together. And of course, they are dedicated and committed to each other for life and want happiness for each other.

I'm making it sound idyllic, it's not. It's just that they really work to keep their relationship growing and healthy.
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utopia (06-18-2013)
Old 06-26-2013, 05:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I guess it would depend on what you fight about. Do you feel any headway is made in the issues discussed? When my partner and I fight we usually take a time out and sort our feelings and discuss things as rationally as we can. But, considering the state my relationship is in I'm most likely not the best source of information on this topic.
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Old 07-02-2013, 05:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks for comments - I'm currently going to a study group that is looking at the 12 Traditions - it's interesting applying this to my partner and I as the "group/family" - already aware that I can be quite selfish - just struggle with him not going "me too me too"
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