Need your opinions.. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

pattyG · 03-20-2013, 04:27 AM

I am a 47 yo gay woman. I have been "involved" with J for the last 4 1/2yrs. J is a 46yo active alcoholic. When I met her I had 1 daughter who was 8 months old. She adored my daughter and told me she was in a rehab program at the VA. There was no recovery, she has drank non-stop since. During the 4 years I have had 3 more children. We haven't lived together because of her drinking and the major issues she has with my best friend, who is an ex from 20 yrs ago. My best friend, T, has AIDS and has had it since she was 21yo, she is 46 now. I am very committed to her as a friend. J hates her, has physically threatened her any chance she can. When I met J she was alone, her family and friends weren't around. Since then, they have all reappeared. Her brother is a convicted felon with 10+ yrs in federal prison for armed robbery, his wife has lost all her children from her first marriage. they both are living with her. Her sister is an A. Her best friend, who she did crack with, had been estranged for 10 years after he choked her GF at the time unconscious. She says she nearly killed him with a shovel, and swore that she would never be around him again. After my son was born in June 2012, I found out she had resumed a friendship with him months earlier. She was insistent on having her name on my son's birth certificate. After i had him, she threatened to walk out of my life forever if I didn't and left the hospital. I was totally distraught. i lied, told the hospital we were married and they put her name on the birth certificate. She then stopped coming around, except maybe 2 times a week...basically to see the kids and have sex. I clung to the hope that she would want to be with me and the kids, but partying with her friends became her priority. Fast forward to Jan. I take care of my 90yo mom who lives with me. She had to go to the ER because she was very ill, ended up being admitted for pneumonia. I asked J to come sit with the kids. She said she was busy with her friend and would be there in a few hours. I took my mom and 4 kids to the ED. i went to her friend's roomng house and she was drunk. I was angry. i refused to talk to her for a week. I asked her the following weekend to come over. She showed up with him, drunk. The next day she came over and we finally talked. I told her I was going to get a lawyer to take her name off his B.C. She told me she had filed in family court for joiunt custody and visitation. I freaked. We haven't spoke much since. she has a lawyer and our court date is 3/27. Most lawyers Ive spoken to siad they feel she doesn't have a case. My issues are: she wants to see the kids, she has contacted me weekly to see them and I have said no. i am worried that it will weaken my case and she says if she loses she is not going to have a relationship with them because she doesn't want me to control her. So, I don't want them hurt if she comes back and then leaves again.
I am wondering, if I win, should I allow her to see them? I worry that she will take me back to court again, and this time state I fostered this visitation and she wants it legal. At the same time I feel horrible for her since I know she loves them. It did come out that she had the paperwork to file a year ago. So it makes me feel that she was only with me to gain rights to my kids. Her contacts are horrible, one of her friend's teenagers molested my 4 yo Nov 2011 when I was pregnant for my son. I had to get her counseling (all documented) and this friend also called in a false CPS report against me, which was unfounded because she was upset that I had to report the abuse to get counseling for my daughter. But I had to go thru an entire investigation while pregnant. J didn't see the reason she shouldn't maintain a friendship with this person. Anyway, I could use some outside perspective here.

catallus · 03-20-2013, 04:48 AM

Hi Patty,

wow... I am not sure of the laws of your state, but if you are not married and were not living with her, how can she petition for joint custody?

There is so much violence and active addiction present, do you really want your children exposed to more of this unhealthy behavior and insanity? You may want to find more stability and sanity for you and your children; keep yourself, your children and your bf safe.

pattyG · 03-20-2013, 05:05 AM

Thank you Cat. This hearing next week is to determine if she even has any rights. I don't believe she does. NY is pretty direct in that you have to have a legal relationship. Ie adoption to have rights. I grapple with that whole issue. The kids are doing really well. Our household was very chaotic, fighting, her calling me names, etc. I know that wasn't best for them. I worry that if I continue to foster this relationship, will they eventually get hurt if she loses interest, or they get older and want to spend mote time with her? My BF is very close to my kids, and my ex's comments about her to my 5yo really affected her. I am feeling like all the feedback I have gotten from SR F&F that I should remove my kids from the A's chaos life would be best for them. To chose to let them keep a relationship with the A when I have no legal reason to is a bad decision.

Lyoness · 03-20-2013, 09:15 PM

Hi Patty. I would do everything you possibly can to protect yourself and your children. Get the most knowledgeable lawyer, too. With gay marriage very new and not accepted everywhere and most laws written for heterosexual parents, you should decide exactly what you want and make sure it is legal, documented and clear.

It's too long to go into but I know someone in a similar situation whose ex has been trying to get custody of her daughter. The ex's name is not on the birth certificate but she has still been able to use the law to make a protracted case that is still unsettled. You need to protect yourself and those precious children.

I would highly urge you to get into some counseling as well so you can make clear and healthy decisions for yourself and your children. And I applaud you for standing by your daughter, believing her and getting her into counseling. Abuse can have far-reaching and lifelong effects. Healing it now gives her a far greater chance at a happy, healthy life.

I can only speak for myself, but someone whose circle includes child molestors and batterers, is absolutely not someone I would want near myself or my children. Especially if she is drunk, she will have no ability to protect them. And kids are very aware of fighting, intoxication and so on. Doesn't matter if they understand it, they feel it and it affects them.

Keep posting and let us know what happens.

Mattcake · 03-20-2013, 11:32 PM

Hi Patty.

I think that it's in your kids' best interests to hire a good lawyer to make sure that J won't have any type of access to them. I don't know the first thing about these things but I honestly can't see how she could reasonably have a "case". Sorry to be blunt but, in fact, I would ask for a restraining order.

I'm also cynical about this intense interest that she has in your kids. What do you think is driving her?

Please keep us posted. Keep yourselves safe.

Lyoness · 03-21-2013, 01:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mattcake

I think that it's in your kids' best interests to hire a good lawyer to make sure that J won't have any type of access to them. I don't know the first thing about these things but I honestly can't see how she could reasonably have a "case". Sorry to be blunt but, in fact, I would ask for a restraining order.

Yes, the person's ex really doesn't have a case but is using laws meant to protect fathers and non-biological parents to her advantage. I don't mean to be alarming, just want you to make sure all bases are covered in protecting yourselves.

I will keep you in my healing thoughts. Take good care of yourself.

pattyG · 03-21-2013, 01:54 AM

Thank you all so much. I hired a very good lawyer yesterday. He is one of the best and very aggressive. He agrees she has no legal standing but as lyoness said, they can drag this on and on. J has been playing on my feelings for her trying to get access to the kids. Matt, why does she want them? She has very screwed up people in her life/family. My kids are young and children at that age love unconditionally. Also, as a parent or caregiver you are like a rockstar to them. She truly had nothing else good or positive in her life but me and my kids. She decided that she didn't want to deal with me anymore, but wanted rights to them.

Mattcake · 03-21-2013, 02:54 AM

I guess that makes sense, Patty. I wondered because active addicts really do only truly love their drug of choice.. very sad.. and in recovery, some of us even have to learn how to love again.

Anyway. You do have plenty of proof that she's an unfit .. parent.. We're here for you, keep us posted.

s you've had a rough go.

ps Needless to say, let's hope J begins her recovery. Maybe losing access to your kids will help her wake up.

Lyoness · 03-21-2013, 04:22 AM

Hi Patty. Glad to hear you have a good lawyer, that's terrific.

I can understand now why she wants the kids so much but like Mattcake said, she's an unfit parent. I know it's hard for all of you but it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Take care and let us know how it goes.

03-20-2013, 04:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
pattyG Member Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 137	Need your opinions.. I am a 47 yo gay woman. I have been "involved" with J for the last 4 1/2yrs. J is a 46yo active alcoholic. When I met her I had 1 daughter who was 8 months old. She adored my daughter and told me she was in a rehab program at the VA. There was no recovery, she has drank non-stop since. During the 4 years I have had 3 more children. We haven't lived together because of her drinking and the major issues she has with my best friend, who is an ex from 20 yrs ago. My best friend, T, has AIDS and has had it since she was 21yo, she is 46 now. I am very committed to her as a friend. J hates her, has physically threatened her any chance she can. When I met J she was alone, her family and friends weren't around. Since then, they have all reappeared. Her brother is a convicted felon with 10+ yrs in federal prison for armed robbery, his wife has lost all her children from her first marriage. they both are living with her. Her sister is an A. Her best friend, who she did crack with, had been estranged for 10 years after he choked her GF at the time unconscious. She says she nearly killed him with a shovel, and swore that she would never be around him again. After my son was born in June 2012, I found out she had resumed a friendship with him months earlier. She was insistent on having her name on my son's birth certificate. After i had him, she threatened to walk out of my life forever if I didn't and left the hospital. I was totally distraught. i lied, told the hospital we were married and they put her name on the birth certificate. She then stopped coming around, except maybe 2 times a week...basically to see the kids and have sex. I clung to the hope that she would want to be with me and the kids, but partying with her friends became her priority. Fast forward to Jan. I take care of my 90yo mom who lives with me. She had to go to the ER because she was very ill, ended up being admitted for pneumonia. I asked J to come sit with the kids. She said she was busy with her friend and would be there in a few hours. I took my mom and 4 kids to the ED. i went to her friend's roomng house and she was drunk. I was angry. i refused to talk to her for a week. I asked her the following weekend to come over. She showed up with him, drunk. The next day she came over and we finally talked. I told her I was going to get a lawyer to take her name off his B.C. She told me she had filed in family court for joiunt custody and visitation. I freaked. We haven't spoke much since. she has a lawyer and our court date is 3/27. Most lawyers Ive spoken to siad they feel she doesn't have a case. My issues are: she wants to see the kids, she has contacted me weekly to see them and I have said no. i am worried that it will weaken my case and she says if she loses she is not going to have a relationship with them because she doesn't want me to control her. So, I don't want them hurt if she comes back and then leaves again. I am wondering, if I win, should I allow her to see them? I worry that she will take me back to court again, and this time state I fostered this visitation and she wants it legal. At the same time I feel horrible for her since I know she loves them. It did come out that she had the paperwork to file a year ago. So it makes me feel that she was only with me to gain rights to my kids. Her contacts are horrible, one of her friend's teenagers molested my 4 yo Nov 2011 when I was pregnant for my son. I had to get her counseling (all documented) and this friend also called in a false CPS report against me, which was unfounded because she was upset that I had to report the abuse to get counseling for my daughter. But I had to go thru an entire investigation while pregnant. J didn't see the reason she shouldn't maintain a friendship with this person. Anyway, I could use some outside perspective here.

03-20-2013, 04:48 AM	#2 (permalink)
catallus Contented Blast Billards Champion! Pool Jam Champion! Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 124	Hi Patty, wow... I am not sure of the laws of your state, but if you are not married and were not living with her, how can she petition for joint custody? There is so much violence and active addiction present, do you really want your children exposed to more of this unhealthy behavior and insanity? You may want to find more stability and sanity for you and your children; keep yourself, your children and your bf safe. __________________ With the GIFT of recovery...The sky's the limit...

03-20-2013, 09:15 PM	#4 (permalink)
Lyoness Night owl Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy Posts: 1,037	Hi Patty. I would do everything you possibly can to protect yourself and your children. Get the most knowledgeable lawyer, too. With gay marriage very new and not accepted everywhere and most laws written for heterosexual parents, you should decide exactly what you want and make sure it is legal, documented and clear. It's too long to go into but I know someone in a similar situation whose ex has been trying to get custody of her daughter. The ex's name is not on the birth certificate but she has still been able to use the law to make a protracted case that is still unsettled. You need to protect yourself and those precious children. I would highly urge you to get into some counseling as well so you can make clear and healthy decisions for yourself and your children. And I applaud you for standing by your daughter, believing her and getting her into counseling. Abuse can have far-reaching and lifelong effects. Healing it now gives her a far greater chance at a happy, healthy life. I can only speak for myself, but someone whose circle includes child molestors and batterers, is absolutely not someone I would want near myself or my children. Especially if she is drunk, she will have no ability to protect them. And kids are very aware of fighting, intoxication and so on. Doesn't matter if they understand it, they feel it and it affects them. Keep posting and let us know what happens. __________________ The early bird may have the worm but the night owl has the stars! =^o^=

03-20-2013, 11:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mattcake grateful orbital boy =) Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 2,435 Blog Entries: 9	Hi Patty. I think that it's in your kids' best interests to hire a good lawyer to make sure that J won't have any type of access to them. I don't know the first thing about these things but I honestly can't see how she could reasonably have a "case". Sorry to be blunt but, in fact, I would ask for a restraining order. I'm also cynical about this intense interest that she has in your kids. What do you think is driving her? Please keep us posted. Keep yourselves safe. __________________ *If it's a question of faith: Do you love or do you hate?* "Counting days is for prisoners" - Scott

03-21-2013, 02:54 AM	#8 (permalink)
Mattcake grateful orbital boy =) Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 2,435 Blog Entries: 9	I guess that makes sense, Patty. I wondered because active addicts really do only truly love their drug of choice.. very sad.. and in recovery, some of us even have to learn how to love again. Anyway. You do have plenty of proof that she's an unfit .. parent.. We're here for you, keep us posted. s you've had a rough go. ps Needless to say, let's hope J begins her recovery. Maybe losing access to your kids will help her wake up. __________________ *If it's a question of faith: Do you love or do you hate?* "Counting days is for prisoners" - Scott

03-20-2013, 05:05 AM	#3 (permalink)
pattyG Member Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 137	Thank you Cat. This hearing next week is to determine if she even has any rights. I don't believe she does. NY is pretty direct in that you have to have a legal relationship. Ie adoption to have rights. I grapple with that whole issue. The kids are doing really well. Our household was very chaotic, fighting, her calling me names, etc. I know that wasn't best for them. I worry that if I continue to foster this relationship, will they eventually get hurt if she loses interest, or they get older and want to spend mote time with her? My BF is very close to my kids, and my ex's comments about her to my 5yo really affected her. I am feeling like all the feedback I have gotten from SR F&F that I should remove my kids from the A's chaos life would be best for them. To chose to let them keep a relationship with the A when I have no legal reason to is a bad decision.

03-21-2013, 01:54 AM	#7 (permalink)
pattyG Member Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 137	Thank you all so much. I hired a very good lawyer yesterday. He is one of the best and very aggressive. He agrees she has no legal standing but as lyoness said, they can drag this on and on. J has been playing on my feelings for her trying to get access to the kids. Matt, why does she want them? She has very screwed up people in her life/family. My kids are young and children at that age love unconditionally. Also, as a parent or caregiver you are like a rockstar to them. She truly had nothing else good or positive in her life but me and my kids. She decided that she didn't want to deal with me anymore, but wanted rights to them.

03-21-2013, 04:22 AM	#9 (permalink)
Lyoness Night owl Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy Posts: 1,037	Hi Patty. Glad to hear you have a good lawyer, that's terrific. I can understand now why she wants the kids so much but like Mattcake said, she's an unfit parent. I know it's hard for all of you but it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Take care and let us know how it goes. __________________ The early bird may have the worm but the night owl has the stars! =^o^=

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