question

[catmilkyo]

what do you do when you told someone you weren't looking for a relationship because you just got out of one, and they get feelings for you and you have to repeatedly tell them you just want friendship and can't promise more. .
but then you start to get feelings for someone else and that someone else gets feelings for you,
and you tell everyone you just want to be friends and person 1 gets mad at you for possibly having feelings for person 2 and you tell them you don't have feelings for anyone because you don't want to. . .
but you do and you start pursuing those feelings in a slow way with person 2 and then person 1 is around, wanting to be "friends" again. . . and you get scared that they're going to be an ******* to you again when they find out you're seeing person 2, possibly spreading bad things about you.

don't expect it to make sense, it's drama. sorry. i'm new to this and i feel like it's really unhealthy and i'm feeling a lot of shame and i don't think i'm handling it well.

[soberlicious]

You have been honest with person 1 about only wanting to be friends, therefore you do not owe person 1 an explanation. You also cannot expect person 1 to be happy about the fact...but you can expect that they be respectful. Respectful means person 1 doesn't get to act like an ass*ole because their feelings are hurt. You should not be scared. If that's truly the case and this person scares you...then person 1 needs to go.

[catmilkyo]

yes, that's true. i did tell her that i wasn't looking to be in a relationship. she asked me a few times after acting like being friends was what she was ok with. she wanted to know if it was her i could never see myself with, etc etc. it was hard. i didn't feel like i could answer the question because i just didn't know.
she was really mean to both me and this other person who likes me . . . over what she heard were my feelings for this other person. so i cut her off by saying that i didn't want to be in a relationship with this other person and that she and i needed distance. but now i do want something with that other person and we're sort of headed there. . . to be honest i'm very unsure about the relationship thing still and i'm taking it slow with the other person, but i have feelings for them nonetheless.
i just handled this bad. but yeah part of me says that it is none of her business. .
it would be easier if we weren't all associated with the same people honestly

[soberlicious]

You didn't handle it poorly, in that you were trying to spare her feelings. But I learned it's better to be clear with people, even if it stings a little. I have said many a time "I don't want to be in a relationship", when it was really closer to "I don't want to be in a relationship...with you."

and yes you did change your mind about person 2, and you have every right to do so. I know person 1's feelings are hurt by that, but you didn't have a commitment to her.

This is the hardest area of my life. Romantic relationships always baffle me.

[catmilkyo]

thanks sober . . . and me too. i seriously wonder if i should take a longer break. it has only been 2 months since i ended a long term relationship and i'm afraid of depending too much on one person. i tend to fall really quickly and dive in and worry about compatibility later. hasn't worked out well.

[catallus]

It sounds as though you are a caring person, so dealing with people's emotions will prove difficult. I do not have anything new to add, but I do agree with sober; you were clear from the beginning you wanted friendship only, if person 1 cannot maintain civility, then some distance between you would be best. This will be hard as you are in the same circle, but her expectations are something she is going to have to work on; in time she will focus her attention elsewhere. What you do with person 2 is your business only; you do not owe anyone explanations. This is your life, do what makes you happy.

[nandm]

I can't add anything to the thread as I feel what I would have said has already been said but I wanted to stop in and say hello and wish you the best.

[soberlicious]

Originally Posted by catmilkyo

i seriously wonder if i should take a longer break.

Only you know the answer to that, but it's exactly what I have decided to do. As with everything in my life that has caused me suffering, a step back is the only way I've been able to get some clarity. I'm stepping back to see if I can see something differently than I do when I'm smack dab in the middle of things.