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Old 11-17-2012, 05:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Is it just me or the "nature of the beast"?

Hi...I'm a newcomer to both sobriety and the gay community. Since my divorce (20 yr marraige to a female) 2 years ago, which left me literally with ZERO friends, I can't seem to meet people in the LGBT community (esp gay men with common interests) that don't use and are interested in anything other than "hooking up"...this includes a predominately LGBT church (I'm not a huge fan of organized religion, but I am a believer) I attended reluctantly on a recommendation. I was going to bars for sheer entertainment and out of boredom and didn't have a problem regarding liquor, however I fell back into smoking pot, meth..etc. As of July 17, 2012, I've been clean, but only by isolating myself from any social situations and blocking then destroying all contact information from users, dealers, etc. But...I know it's not healthy. I hate the term "coming out" but will not lie if asked about it. I truly feel that sexual preference is on a need to know basis. Straight friends would be just fine too, but if I feel close enough to them to "tell" after a period of time, the results have been 100% negative and if I don't tell, we may get along but I don't feel like I can truly be myself..I just feel like I'm close to losing any social skills and since I'm on the downhill side to 50 yrs old...I'm scared to death this isolation and the depression that goes with it will become permanent. So I'm struggling with, just hang out with fun LGBT peeps and hope I can rely on my willpower to stay clean...yet thats very doubtful. Bottom line, I'm desperate to find some sort of clean living LGBTs in my community, I KNOW they must exist...but WHERE?? I apologize for the length this freakin novel of a post, lol andthanks in advance for any suggestions.
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Old 11-17-2012, 08:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi. I am sorry I don't have any good advice really but I am sorry you are having this problem. Could you meet anyone on an online type dating website? I know my daughter has a hard time also meeting young women even though she is very friendly and sociable, it's just difficult she tells me. Good luck to you!
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Old 11-18-2012, 05:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hey now soloandscared,

It is difficult... Have you scoured the gay community looking for gay men's social clubs? Not all the members would be in recovery, but usually there is no drinking/drug use at the weekly meetings. The different events planned may bring in a diverse group every week. Of course, it's still a matter of finding someone compatible, but maybe in this type of venue (as opposed to bars), your chances of finding someone less into hook-ups and drug use may grow.

You mentioned addiction. Have you found any LGBT NA/AA meeting groups where you might begin building a strong network of friends? It's important to have people who understand and care on your contact list.

Do not get discouraged, give it time and do not give up - the harder something is to attain usually brings greater satisfaction and gratitude.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes
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Old 11-18-2012, 07:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Oh that must be tough! I dont have any particularly useful suggestions, other than be true to yourself and I KNOW there must be a way for you to remain clean and sober, happy, and find people who do not judge your sexuality (so you can truly be yourself). Best of luck! Sorry I dont have any "a-ha" ideas for you on this....
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR and to the GLBTQ forum. Glad you are here.

I came out later in life, got sober later in life and was also married. I was actually married and divorced twice before coming to terms with who I am. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to pass along but I am still a work in progress myself. What I can share is my experience and hope that somehow that helps you.

I have learned there is a freedom in no longer feeling like I am living a lie by having to pretend to be straight to make others happy. Today I just live as who I am and if someone asks me directly about my sexuality I answer them directly. I don't go out of my way to pretend to be straight and will never marry someone of the opposite sex just because it makes my family or others in society more comfortable. I like no longer having to feel like a liar and knowing I can not trust myself because I am living a lie. For me coming out was the right thing to do. For some I suppose it is not. I am sure that is an individual thing.

As far as sobriety goes I have no regrets and can honestly say it is the best thing that has happened to me and the people that care about me. As long as I am sober there is hope that life will get better.

As far as relationships. I struggled with relationships partly because when I first started coming out I was living in a small town in the South. Not many out gay people there and the out ones did not want anything to do with a early 30's, never been with a woman, person with 3 young children. But I did start making friends in the GLBT community. Once I had friendships established then I found a romantic relationship. Unfortunately that relationship only lasted a few years. When it ended I found some GLBT chat rooms and met some people through there. A relationship formed and I wound up moving to a much more populated area of the Country. That relationship was doomed from the start for several reasons but it was because of that relationship I found sobriety and AA. It was through sobriety and AA that I found what I believe is the person I was meant to be with. We have been together now coming up on 12 years. So my experience is that relationships in the GLBT community can be just as good or as bad as between heterosexual couples and it takes time and patience to find the right person.

There have been some good suggestions made by people posting prior to me such as "an online type dating website", "gay men's social clubs", "LGBT NA/AA meeting groups", and "be true to yourself." This site is also a good place to get to know other people in the GLBT community. My experience has been that networking with friends is a good way to meet potential dating partners. People do exist in the GLBT community the problem is that we are still fighting our way out of the closet so it can sometimes be hard to find us. But don't give up on us or yourself. Keep reaching out, work on developing friendships and see where those lead you. Who knows that friend you make today may be the person who introduces you to the love of your life.
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