Well I relapsed, and feel ashamed...

[comingoutsober]

Like the title says, I'm really ashamed right now. I've had a ton of life changes, on top of coming out, that just caught up with me last week. i was weak and turned to the bottle.

It wasn't just one night either. It was a straight 8 day binge. Each morning I woke up feeling terrible and vowing to myself and God that I'd quit, but I just went back to the same old habits. Last night was no different.

I just hate myself because I can't commit to sobriety. I want to change so bad. I just don't know. One silver lining is that I've been thinking a lot about AA and I've finally realized that it might be my answer. We'll see.

[hypochondriac]

Do go to AA comingoutsober x I'm sure that'll really help. It's hard to try and do this on our own x

[catallus]

Hey now comingoutsober,

I'm sorry to hear of your relapse, but please do not feel ashamed or guilty over it. Relapse is nothing more than a temporary setback in one's recovery, it is what one does after relapse that makes the difference - continue with recovery or not continue with recovery.

You reaching out shows you are willing to continue recovery - so use the relapse as a learning tool. When you relapse and feel terrible, it enforces your belief that you are addicted. There is no shame or guilt in that, it simply means that you (like myself and most of us) need help to stop.

And hypochondriac is correct, it is difficult to do this on our own. If you haven't already, try finding new associations in recovery. If you are willing and able, attending AA may be a great solution for you; the fellowship has a way of forging new friendships and opening new possibilities in recovery for many addicts and alcoholics - there are strength in numbers.

Two things I found most beneficial in AA was the friends I met, and the suggested 12-step recovery program. Not only did I learn much from my new friends on how to "meet life on life's terms" sober, their support was my rock. And after I understood the steps (as I saw them), I managed to do a lot of internal cleaning, which helped me begin the process of change. Building a new life takes time - and change. It is so important to change the old behaviors that possibly keep addiction thriving within each of us, and addressing the character defects acquired throughout the years of using.

So, please do not feel ashamed, pull yourself back up, dust off your shirt and start anew. The most important thing you can do is keep trying - you are worth the effort.

Please to let us know how you are doing, and keep at it. Recovery is worth the price of admission.

Best wishes

[comingoutsober]

I really appreciate your responses. I have been trying to do this entirely on my own (mostly because I have issues with intimacy and trouble letting people into my life and letting them see the "real me", but that's a story for another time...). Thanks for letting me know it's okay to need help hypochondriac. And catullus, your thoughts on the role of shame in recovery as a learning tool are very enlightening.

Although it was a stressful day, I'm feeling better tonight. Thanks again, and I will keep you all updated.

[catallus]

Originally Posted by comingoutsober

I have been trying to do this entirely on my own (mostly because I have issues with intimacy and trouble letting people into my life and letting them see the "real me", but that's a story for another time...).

This sounds so familiar. I, as well as many people in recovery, had/have trust issues and difficulty letting people in. I am not saying it is easy, but letting people into your life and trusting them with your burdens is an important part of the recovery process. I am not saying trust anyone and everyone in AA, but build a trusting friendship with people you are comfortable with, and grow.

And I did not mean to imply using shame as a learning tool; I meant there is no room for shame or guilt in recovery. Shame and guilt are tools addiction uses to manipulate/distort your thinking, which could lead to more relapse. Reading the Big Book and the Steps would make this a little clearer.

The act of relapse may be used as a learning tool. After relapse, it is possible (especially listening to a sponsor or friend in recovery) to identify the steps leading to that relapse and stop the process if started again. It can be a vicious circle. Shame, guilt, anger etc... are strong negative emotions that a lot of people cannot deal with or handle alone and often end up using.That is why I strongly believe in building a strong network of friends in recovery - I cannot do it alone, and today I have no problem talking out issues with people I trust. This can be important in recovery.

Glad you are feeling better

[missingtheoldme]

These 2 are spot on and I can't even add anything. Wonderful helpful responses. I wish you the best and you can do this. I am 15 days sober and never thought I could do it. I hope I dont relapse but if I do....I will pick up and start again like you are. I have faith in you.

[nandm]

Hi. I just wanted to say that several years of my life prior to AA were just series of relapses. I wanted to quit drinking but did not know how to do it and could not seem to do it alone. It has been over 11 years since I walked through the doors of AA and I have not had a drink since so for me it worked and I would encourage anyone to give it an honest shot.

I do encourage you to remember though that AA is a 12 Step program and going to a 12 Step program without applying the 12 Steps to a persons life is kind of like buying a motorcycle jacket and calling oneself a biker.

If you find AA is not the program for you then I do encourage you not to give up. There are many programs out there. Here is a good list of many of them: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html (Recovery Programs and Resources Information)

[Mattcake]

Hi COSober, I'm a bit later here.

Shame is a choice, you can either be masochistic and get stuck in it ( )or have compassion for yourself and let it go ( ) I won't launch into a lengthy discussion but, whenever you feel up to it, research the concept of "shame". You'll probably find that shame is based on outdated moral codes, and that it's a means of control used by certain institutions to manipulate people. In recovery, I found that I was free to choose which values I agreed with, and that I could get rid of certain idiotic ideas which had previously ruled my life.

Originally Posted by comingoutsober

One silver lining is that I've been thinking a lot

I really like Catallus' post, as he is encouraging you to take action. I don't know about you, but I wasted many, many, *many* years thinking about recovery: I drove myself insane. It's not only about thinking, but also about doing it and, maybe more importantly, *feeling* it. You used the word "commit" and that's right on track, I think... when you commit to someone or something, do you do it because you "think" he/she/it is right, or because you just feel it and know it? Try to feel happy about recovery, it's not something to be endured, but something to be enjoyed =)

You brought up God, many people here find that religious or spiritual beliefs really do help them in recovery.

same old habits

You mentioned "change"... it's okay to let go

[comingoutsober]

These posts have really gotten me thinking more, and particularly about WANTING change versus actually DOING IT. I want to change so bad but it's like my alcoholic brain flips a switch anytime I decide to take action. I know thinking about change isn't the same as changing, so I guess, what were some first steps all of you took when you first decided on sobriety?

It's like I'm looking for a distraction or substitution for booze but nothing seems to hold my purpose after that switch in my brain is flipped...

It's disheartening sometimes, but I still hold hope.

[Splasho]

I'm only Day 5, so I'm no hero or huge success story, but after drinking for 10+ years and never really being serious about quitting, something just clicked for my last Saturday. I was drinking by myself, as I did a lot, finished 1/5 of vodka, woke up with the shakes and sweats, not out of the norm, and had to call out sick for work. I was in the middle of a work trip. I started having thoughts about losing my job, and how depressed that would make me, and how that would take me back to that suicidal place I once was. I guess that was my epiphany. I love my job and chose it and my life over the booze. That's why I feel so strong this time even though it has only been 5 days. Something just has to click. No one can tell us when, or how, people can help, but I guess it's ultimately up to us to decide when our lives are more important than the bottle.

[catallus]

Originally Posted by Splasho

I'm only Day 5, so I'm no hero or huge success story, but after drinking for 10+ years and never really being serious about quitting, something just clicked for my last Saturday.

Hi Splasho,

Do not take 5 days lightly - you are a huge success and a power of example for us all

Keep at it and congratulations on day 5 - it's not easy...