New Oldish Guy Here

[Groucho]

I find recently that I need a recovery community, and thought I'd throw down a new guy thread to introduce myself. It's a little trainwrecky, but whose story isn't around here, I'm guessing. May as well just flop it out there.

I'm gay, sober since Feb. 2010, and only just now coming out at age 43. I told my wife about a month ago, and we've separated and are planning to divorce. I've got two daughters who of course know about the separation, but not why. Although I say "sober," I have to acknowledge that I've let myself get back into the habit of smoking pot on pretty much a daily basis since the separation. That's far from the disaster my drinking was, but it's not safe for me to say the least.

I'm definitely a work in progress, but finally coming out has been the bravest thing I've ever done. Same could be said for my wife, who has been unbelievably forgiving and supportive. Although the idea of taking a drink literally horrifies me, the pot is a slippery slope and can't continue. I need to get my head back into the game on this. It certainly wouldn't hurt to expand my circle of sober GLBT friends as well.

All the best to you folks.

[mecanix]

Hi Groucho ,
That's quite a bit of sober time from drink. Sounds like you're sorting things out. Fear of change is certainly a big thing to learn to deal with, much respect to your bravery in changing things.

Bestwishes , M

[catallus]

Hey now Groucho,

Hello and congratulations on your time - and coming out - coming out in marriage is something I did not have to do, kudos to you; I can't imagine the fear and anxiety associated with coming out to a spouse, that took a lot of inner strength and commitment.

Please be careful on the "marijuana maintenance" plan, an addiction is an addiction, smoking weed may lower your resolve and may be your hidden gateway back to the bottle.

A recovery community is a fantastic idea. Not just here at sober recovery, but people in your life you can call and hang with and share life as life happens - try to find your nearest gay community in recovery and find peace in sobriety.

friends make things betterer

Keep at it and see ya 'round

[Groucho]

Originally Posted by catallus

Hey now Groucho,

Please be careful on the "marijuana maintenance" plan, an addiction is an addiction, smoking weed may lower your resolve and may be your hidden gateway back to the bottle.

No doubt. Not only that, but it's boring and causing me to gain weight.

[nandm]

Hi Groucho, welcome.

As someone who married and divorced twice in my struggles to come to term with my sexuality I can emphasize with your coming out process. How wonderful that you have a supportive spouse. Although this whole thing can not be easy that has to be a lot of help. My ex-husbands were not so understanding as their egos would not allow them to be. Regardless though it has been well worth finally coming out of the closet and living my life as who I am rather than whom I felt the world thought I should be. Living that way hurts a lot of people. I much prefer the honesty of being out.

I saw on another thread where you drew a link between being in the closet and active alcoholism. I think that you have a good point. It was much easier to come out once I was getting sober because for me getting sober meant getting rid of the lies and dishonesty in my life and the closet was a lie. It has been over 11 years now and I have no regrets about either my choice to come out or quitting drinking. I do have to say there have been bumps along the way but none worth drinking or going back in the closet for.

Anyway, sorry for the long windedness, that seems to be me lately. Welcome and glad you are here.

[Groucho]

Great stuff. I appreciated the long windedness. I'll be long-winded back, partially in response and partially because I'm was just sitting here processing my thoughts in any case. This seems as good a way as any.

Getting sober was huge for me. I don't want to wallow in drunken memories, but suffice it to say that I was killing myself. The idea of drinking again scares the living **** out of me.

Weirdly, it just occurred to me that the process of coming to terms with the fact that I'm an alcoholic was to my starting to come out to people. I spent most of a decade going in and out of AA, just to convince myself one more time that I really was an alcoholic. I look back now and it horrifies me, but at the time I really felt like it was an open question whether I was sick, or just a drunken schmuck. I thought the answer was probably the latter, by the way, all rational evidence to the contrary.

I've done the same thing to myself coming out, mooing endlessly about it to a therapist while becoming totally estranged from my wife because I couldn't talk about it with her. The difference was that I was in such deep denial as a kid that I married at 22, before I could begin to find out who I was. I tested out my alcoholism endlessly, but I stayed "faithful" (albeit mostly celibate) in our marriage until only once at the very end, literally years after the last time I had sex with my wife. Tragic.

Getting sober was like having a reprieve from a death sentence. Coming out feels a lot like being released from prison. Right now I still tremendous enormous guilt for creating the situation, and even more guilt for responsibility for ending it. I have faith that it's going to seem as obviously right as getting sober does today. But the emotions certainly are raw right now.