New Guy Here

[CloudStrife]

I lurk on this site every day. I have an i phone and keep it up on one of my browsers.
I'm a 29 year old guy working on my sobriety. I've been drinking since the age of 17. And the effects of drinking have slowly been getting worse every year.
I've gotten to the point where I've begun to seek outside help for my drinking.
Are any of you guys scared to seek help for your drinking because you are gay?
That people will ask questions? That you want to stop drinking but its different for you because your gay? I've felt all these things lately so I was wondering if other people did too. Or is it a lie our Alcoholic Voice tells us?

[comingoutsober]

Hello Cloudstrife,

First of all, I congratulate you on the steps you are taking. It's hard being a younger guy with alcoholism, and being gay to boot (believe me I know). I have been wanting to get outside help for awhile now, but have just not been able to take that first leap either. I don't know if its because of my sexuality or more from pride or from anxiety (probably a combination of the three). But I was definitely afraid, and still haven't sought outside help and have chosen to go it alone (for now). I am afraid of the questions, of the probing and the perceived judgment. I could never see myself going to AA or an alternative program that didn't have some GLBTQ focus to it.

I do know that for me being gay and being an alcoholic are inextricably intertwined. I came to the realization that it's either go back into the closet a drunk or come out and be sober. In other words, my problem was pretty much entirely based in my inability to accept my sexuality, and so I chose to drink and remain lonely rather than confront something so essential to me. So in a word, yes, stopping drinking for me is very different from the "typical" reason because of my sexuality. But that doesn't make it less valid. I think it makes it an even better reason to stop.

And the Alcoholic Voice (or booze brain as I call it) only has as much power and sway as you allow it. Remember that there is the positive counterpart-- your sober, intellectual, lucid, and above all better Voice. It's important to treat the booze brain objectively, but don't make it more than it really is: a little monster that just wants a drink.

[Weasel1966]

CS, I feel like it is different being gay and finding support. I have to say this site has made no distinction but I have for myself. But then again I always felt excluded from many things due to being gay. I am not in the closet so to speak but I do select when to let others know.
Not the kind people guess.

As far as being abstinent I find that the ways I used to meet people are drastically different. Gay culture is quite bar focused.

On long island here. Not many options to meet others who are gay and trying to be sober.

Our AV may very well be saying that we are different but I agree that's a lie. The solution is identical but maybe the type of support we desire may be different.

I am new in sobriety. Only a few days due to a slip up last weekend.

Certainly feel free to pm if you care to for conversation and support.

All the best to you!

Ken

[nandm]

Hi and welcome CloudStrife.

My experience was I had finally reached the point where I could no longer live drinking but had no idea how not to drink so my alcoholism overpowered the fact that I am gay and became the most important factor for me as I knew I could no longer live the way I was living. I did find that a lot more people than I thought really did not care about my orientation what they cared about was our commonality which was alcoholism. That is what I focused on for the first few months of my sobriety. Fortunately, along the way I found other gay people in the program of recovery I chose several of whom have become long term friends and one of those people became my partner, we just celebrated our 11 years anniversary together.

I think that what is most important is working on the alcoholism because if you don't deal with that then it disrupts all the relationships in your life past, present, and future. So even if you met Mr. Right right now if you are still fighting alcoholism them it would make that relationship harder than it has to be. Sometimes we just have to "feel the fear and do it anyway" and I think that when it comes to facing alcoholism that is one of those times.

The program that works for me happens to be AA. I have found that the majority of the people are busy working on themselves and really don't seem to care about the fact that I am gay. The ones that have an issue with it are people who really don't seem to be working a program of recovery I can respect anyway so I just don't waste my time worrying about them. Take the good and leave the rest because there is a lot of good out there.

[dgh0218]

yes of course at first i was afraid to ask for help with my drinking because of me being gay. especially when i had not even come out to most of my friends. But in 1987 i did finally admit i was gay and a alcoholic and it was rough dealing with my family but i figured one of the reasons i was getting drunk was to try to deal with some of the guilt i had and i figured that if i had any chance of being sober i needed to admit that i was gay also. I have been sober ever since and i took my cake for 25 years of sobriety last feb 18th

[catallus]

Hey now CloudStrife,

Yeah, mucho congrats on entering recovery! Addiction or recovery does not discriminate; guyz into guyz, galz into galz, guyz into galz, galz into guyz - people of every walk of life live neath the darkened skies of addiction or the sunny skies of recovery. So please do not be afraid of receiving outside help for your recovery, you can find professionals that will not discriminate or disclose your personal information to anyone. Licensed professional in the field of addiction are there for you to begin your journey into recovery and maintain your newly formed program of recovery so you have an opportunity to live a clean, happy and healthy life.

These fears you are experiencing could be the voices of addiction trying to steer you clear of recovery - take the steps and find the appropriate professionals to discuss your real fears and issues so you are able to start fresh.

You didn't mention, so I'll say anyway; it's also important to have friends in recovery that you can call and socialize with - try not to go through this alone - and always remember we are here too.

Recovery is worth the price of admission... Keep at it.

[Groucho]

Originally Posted by comingoutsober

I do know that for me being gay and being an alcoholic are inextricably intertwined. I came to the realization that it's either go back into the closet a drunk or come out and be sober. In other words, my problem was pretty much entirely based in my inability to accept my sexuality, and so I chose to drink and remain lonely rather than confront something so essential to me. So in a word, yes, stopping drinking for me is very different from the "typical" reason because of my sexuality. But that doesn't make it less valid. I think it makes it an even better reason to stop

Interesting. I can definitely relate to that. I am a 43 year old gay guy. I managed to stay closeted and in deep denial of my sexuality basically for as long as I was drinking. I couldn't hide from myself any longer after I got sober. There's definitely a connection here too.

[mecanix]

I think being a skinhead heavyweight homo into heavy metal i never felt accepted by other "out" gays anyhoo, they all expected me to be dancing to madonna when i just wanted to headbang to judas priest .
So partly of the story of my life has been one of rejection by people, gay, straight sober and drunk, mostly it is their problem seeing as i'm such a nice bloke .

Dosn't really help with the isolation that alcoholism causes, either you get angry and resentful about it or you learn to accept it and rise above it .

Bestwishes M

[catallus]

mmmm, I luvs metal too and Stewie!

[GreekGuy]

Hello... I have to say that being Gay and boozing for me are two different things. But I never had an issue of being Gay. I didn't come out till I was 27, and was asked so they were ready to know, or probably did know and didn't want to ask until then. I do know that I find it hard going to AA being Gay. It is the one place I don't know who is going to like it or not. I usually don't care, but in a situation like that I don't want to put myself in a position that makes me so uncomfortable that I want to drink again.

Can I ask what part of NYC you are from?

[CloudStrife]

Greekguy,
I live upstate so its not as easy as things are down in the city.

[gingerhero]

Originally Posted by comingoutsober

Hello Cloudstrife,


I do know that for me being gay and being an alcoholic are inextricably intertwined. I came to the realization that it's either go back into the closet a drunk or come out and be sober. In other words, my problem was pretty much entirely based in my inability to accept my sexuality, and so I chose to drink and remain lonely rather than confront something so essential to me. So in a word, yes, stopping drinking for me is very different from the "typical" reason because of my sexuality. But that doesn't make it less valid. I think it makes it an even better reason to stop.

.

I find it so very sad that society is still in a place where you had to drink to escape from the loneliness of your sexuality. I'm really glad you've found a way to escape from this cycle. It must be so hard facing the stigma of both alcoholism and being gay and find it difficult to disentangle the two. I hope anyone out there suffering this same experience manages to find help and support.

[opiatelove]

Originally Posted by comingoutsober

Hello Cloudstrife,

I do know that for me being gay and being an alcoholic are inextricably intertwined. I came to the realization that it's either go back into the closet a drunk or come out and be sober. In other words, my problem was pretty much entirely based in my inability to accept my sexuality, and so I chose to drink and remain lonely rather than confront something so essential to me. So in a word, yes, stopping drinking for me is very different from the "typical" reason because of my sexuality. But that doesn't make it less valid. I think it makes it an even better reason to stop

I feel I've done somewhat the same thing. I'm 38, never been in any real relationships, I'm out to family and a few friends. I suffer from depression, some social anxiety and when I self medicate, I love to eat pain killers. I never thought that my sexuality was a factor with my depression and opiate usage but it does make sense. I'm glad I came across your post!

Lately, I've been having a change in atitude. I use to worry so much who knew or even suspected I was gay, even when I realized it at a very young age. Lately as I've grown older and the fact that I'm still alone, I care less and less who knows. I found out today that a coworker found out through a gay girl friend of mine (even though he probably already suspected it) and he didn't judge or seem insecure because of it. It was a really cool moment for me because I shared the fact I was with another coworker years ago and it completely killed our friendship and working relationship. Glad he quit his job after taking me to HR. That was fun.

[utopia]

for me ive learnt it was less with being gay and more with being stuck in a role, stuck in my ego. i went to a gay alanon group and realised it was more my own anxiety, denial, anger and obsession than anything else, the dis-ease just picked any traits it could find to promote shame and compulsion in my life.

i find the bigger thing fo rme is too look for similarities and keep coming back to meetings and decide things later.

[michaelca]

Im not sure if they are inextricably linked, but alcohol was definitely a social lubricant to act out on gay impulses early in my life. What's odd (to me at least) is how little in common I have with fellow recovering gay men. That could be the result of my own immature identity as much as anything else. I long for a community in recovery, but have Struggled to find it. I find the common factors comforting, but seem to want more. So I appreciate your struggle.