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[Bamboozle]

Okay. Work related nonsense. Here goes:

I'm out to anyone who will ask, but I don't just tell people I'm gay. I don't really talk about it because I work with people who say homophobic things and make sure to add, "...but some of my best friends are gay!" I'm sure you all know the type.


Hopefully I can make this short. Coworker A talks about dressing her son up as a popular female TV character for Halloween when he was little. It was a good story right up until she said something like this: "I could have screwed him up. I'm lucky he didn't turn out gay."

There's so much wrong in those two sentences I didn't know where to begin. The stupid burns!

Now, I'm a pretty passive person, but I managed to say, "There's nothing wrong with being gay". Then I proceeded to turn away from the converstation as a means to take myself out of it (I was at my work desk--I guess I could have walked away, but where would I go?). After coworker A left, coworker B proceeded to make excuses for coworker A: she's from an older generation, she didn't mean it that way, blah blah blah.

I got upset. I said 'that's no excuse'. Coworker B goes on to paint this picture of living in harmony with gay people in this area. I strongly disagreed--while there are some out people here, there are far more who aren't. There are no places for gay people to congregate. The bars are gone. There are no groups or events. Nothing. I live in WV, a state that allows discrimination against gay, bisexual and transgender people. Coworker B has said some things before that has shown her bias against gay people. Actually, lots of coworkers have, and it's not limited to sexuality. There's a lot of subtle racism, too. It IS a toxic environment, and explaining to people in denial about it is an exercise in futility. I spent the last 45 minutes of work crying at my desk.

I don't want to go back in tomorrow. I'm tired of dealing with assholes. And I don't think quickly on my feet.

Help me to come up with things to say. Please. I need to be able to do it in a way that I stand up for myself and NOT **** off people at the same time. The best I can think is this: 'When teenagers stop comitting suicide because of bullying, when people are no longer fired or denied housing for their gender or orientation, when all couples are given the option to marry, when people are no longer beaten or killed for their gender or orientation, then you can tell me to shut up and get over it."

[MyGirlGracie]

Sounds to me like your company/department are in great need of "diversity" and "sensitivity" training to remind people that those types of comments are NOT OK and make for a toxic working environment!! I feel for you "Bamboozle"... I too have issues with trying to come up with comeback statements. It feels like Peewee Herman saying: "I know you are, but what am I"... Could you talk to HR and raise some of these issues?

[Bamboozle]

Hello.

I'm not sure they would care...it's hard to guage the tolerance level where I work because it is a very conservative business (print media). One other coworker is gay that I know of, but I don't get to see him much. Everyone likes him, but I doubt they would say homophobic things around him. I guess I pass as straight. I'm not sure how.

Maybe I'm wrong--some gay people shrug these things off, but I can't do it. I don't like it and I shouldn't have to put up with it. It's funny...the last job I had was fast food. They were, for the most part, accepting, not merely tolerant. It was the ONLY plus to working there.

I think there needs to be diversity training. There's nothing wrong with being polite.

All I want to do is work without hassle and get a paycheck. I don't get paid enough to deal with other people's BS.

Thanks for replying.

[soberlicious]

"I could have screwed him up. I'm lucky he didn't turn out gay."

I would have said something along the lines of:
"Rest assured you have screwed him up just by being you, you self righteous small minded b&itch"
LOL ok nevermind...I'm obviously not the one to be answering this question. Best I just sit back and listen...

[suki44883]

Yeah, I agree, soberlicious. I'd probably say something extremely sarcastic and end up getting myself in trouble. I'm not gay, but my brother was and I learned a lot about how small-minded so many people are about it, and how many myths are out there about being gay. Some of it is just simple ignorance, but some is willful ignorance, and those are the people I love to zing with my sarcasm. Yeah, I'm not the one to tell anyone how to diplomatically respond to such idiocy. I'm sorry, bam. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that we understand what you're dealing with.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by soberlicious

I would have said something along the lines of:
"Rest assured you have screwed him up just by being you, you self righteous small minded b&itch"

Lol.

I wish I could do that. I was shocked--I didn't think this person was biased. People continue to surprise.

[soberlicious]

Yes, it is shocking... but for many people these biases are such a part of them, so deeply ingrained that they don't question them. They don't feel wrong to them. So it is difficult to have a conversation with someone like that....

To be fair, I have recognized some of my own biases in the past, and been surprised at finding that I too had some deep hidden stereotypes even when I thought I didn't. I will give you an example. Quite a long time ago, I was alone on an elevator. At the next floor, a black man got on (I am a white female) My initial response was one of slight uneasiness, even fear. I can remember thinking to myself "WTF is wrong with me?? I would not be feeling this if this had been a white man", So as enlightened and accepting and embracing of diversity as I like to think I am, I was not even aware that there was a belief so ingrained in me as a child, that it would cause me to have a viseral response. That experience bothered me alot, knowing that that feeling did not jive with my beliefs and how I lived my life, but it also helped me to really dig deep. By looking inside at my own ugly bits and exposing them, I can grow.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by soberlicious

By looking inside at my own ugly bits and exposing them, I can grow.

Same here. It's an ongoing process because the brainwashing never stops--there's always misconceptions to fight. I'd rather have someone call me out on my BS than me continue to be an @sshole. I do more listening now instead of making excuses for myself and how things are.

I know not everyone will do this.

[soberlicious]

Originally Posted by bamboozle

I know not everyone will do this.

I agree and it sounds like that is the kind of people coworkers A and B are. I think I would almost feel sorry with them, if I didn't want to kick their asses LOL

[Terminally Unique]

Avoid Human Resources as if they were the plague. HR is there to protect the company from the employees, not the other way around. They have to open a file on you if you go to them, and that is the kiss of death.

[Fandy]

I think I would have replied in sarcasm too because I have aquick temper....I would have looked stupid co-worker straight in the eye (while standing up for effect) and stated "what a KIND thing to say to me"......no other explanation....or stated emphatically that stupid coworker was really RUDE.

I'm sorry i've never been to WVA...you know I'm straight, but my BFF's older brother is gay and has lived with his partner openly for 20 years, the also take care of their Moms...but that is NY and Los Angeles.

[least]

What I've often done in the past, and still do now, is just look at them, really look right at them and say nothing... Unless they're really dense that often sends the message without saying a word. And if they ask, "why are you staring at me?" you just say, "oh, nothing..." My other option is to say something like... "and your point is...?" which also sends a message if they're not too stupid to 'get it'...

I wish you could get the hell out of West-by-god and live in a more progressive community.

I wish it were true that such prejudice (sp?) would die out with them, but unfortunately they're breeding little hate machines... so it can take many generations before such hatred/stupidity dies out.


It's not hopeless tho. My sister and her idiot red-neck hubby are as conservative as they come, and both their boys voted for Obama last election, despite their conservative small-minded upbringing. So there is hope!

[defyinggravity]

Ugh. I hate hearing about stuff like this - it makes me so angry. I would've been tempted to say exactly what soberlicious said...I tend to get a little mouthy especially when confronted with blatant ignorance. I'm from South Carolina, so I know that type of thinking all too well. Where I come from, you don't come out. If you want to feel safe, you stay in that proverbial closet. It's unfair, but it's true. That's why I don't live there anymore.

What I actually probably would have said would be something along the lines of: "you know, if my child turned out healthy and happy and secure with him/herself, who they end up loving is really of no consequence...and frankly, if I were you, I'd be more concerned about my child being a bigot than being gay." (ok, maybe not that last part)

[catallus]

Hey now, it doesn't matter what part of the country or the world - as long as there are people, there will always be hate, bias and prejudice... I hated to say that; it sounds bleak, but....

Anyway, I am not out at work and I don't think I care to. There are people here who say they are "tolerant" and "open minded", but when they assume there are no GLBT peeps about its "I'm uncomfortable this... or I hate that...." Double standards.... Two-faced.... Cowards...

So, I choose to keep workplace separate from my personal life. I like to choose who I let into my life; I do not have control over who works here,the human resources department does (Terminally Unique is correct; stay away from them), and I do not want them choosing for me.

Do not let the narrow-mindedness of coworkers drive you insane. You cannot control what they think or say, you can only control your reaction; believe in yourself and let their nonsense roll off your shoulders.

One more thing off topic: I don't think I care for the word "tolerant" now that I see it in quotation marks.... What exactly are they saying, that we are doing something wrong and they will be the bigger man (so-to-speak) and tolerate it? Hmmmm, I think I need to get some sleep....

[nandm]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

.............Coworker A talks about dressing her son up as a popular female TV character for Halloween when he was little. It was a good story right up until she said something like this: "I could have screwed him up. I'm lucky he didn't turn out gay."

There's so much wrong in those two sentences I didn't know where to begin. The stupid burns!

This ignorance is so rampant in today's society. The idea that somehow a person can make someone gay. It is part of what feeds the fears that are spread about the GLBT and their "agenda" of recruiting. By continuing this ignorant perception that gays are created it only fuels the biased against us by keeping the fears out there that somehow we are going to get a hold of their children and turn them gay.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, I am sorry any of us have to deal with such bigotry, fear, ignorance, and hatred. My good "Christian" neighbors won't even let their their children acknowledge us when we go by. The father literally yelled at one of them because I made the mistake and waved at one of them one day and when they waved back he got mad. Made the kid go inside telling her to stay away from "those people", like we were some horrible monsters. I could see him having a fit if we had loud parties at the house, did drugs, were obnoxious, kept our yard a mess or something but we don't. We lead very quiet lives and we keep our yard neat. There are many days I get very frustrated at being dehumanized, compared to animals, hide who I am, be treated less than, and treated like I am dirty all because of who I am who I believe and know in my heart I was born as.

I am tired of being sexualized because I am gay. Being a GLBT person is not any different than being a heterosexual person other than the fact that we are singled out and forced to feel different because we do not fit into their mold. There is so much more to my relationship with my partner than sex. Sex is only a part of the whole. It does not define our relationship any more than sex defines a heterosexual relationship. Our relationship is based on mutual trust, respect, love, sincerity, empathy, and care.

Oh well, enough of my rant. I guess all I can do is keep working toward changing perceptions and ignorance by being living proof that the GLBT community are not monsters to be feared but human beings who deserve to be treated humanely and respectfully. So I continue to do what I can in the fight for truth and equality by joining with the Human Rights Campaign and other groups that help fight those fights.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by catallus

You cannot control what they think or say, you can only control your reaction; believe in yourself and let their nonsense roll off your shoulders.

I've spent a long time being quiet. Hearing all of this nonsense every day, all the time is really getting to me. It's time that I stand up for myself. If I don't do it, things will never change--bigots will stay in their comfortable little bubbles. I hope I have the strength. At this point I don't think I care if I p1ss anyone off--they certainly don't care anything for me.

There is bigotry everywhere, but some places are worse than others. I have no support where I live.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by nandm

I am tired of being sexualized because I am gay.

Never heard anyone say it but this is so true.




Nandm, I'm sorry about your neighbors. Hopefully those kids will be able to shed the brainwashing.


I don't know if I'm ready for today or not. I haven't been the most stable person over the last few months, anyways. Wish me luck and strength or something, I guess. Thanks everyone for the replies. If anyone can think of anything witty to say, please do.

[defyinggravity]

Hope work was easier today, Bam!

[Bamboozle]

It was...the person who said the comment wasn't there yesterday.

I'll see how today turns out.

[Fandy]

have a good day Bam....