So confused

[crispringles]

I've always believed myself to be hetero until just recently. I have performance anxiety. I don't know why exactly, but I have always been a complete nervous nellie when it's "go" time, and I can't perform. This has been going on for over 4 years. My first attempt at sex turned into a mental battle with the condom, a disappointed girl, and an angry me. Since then, my mind has become more my enemy than ever. Oral sex has always and still turns me on. However, I'm losing my interest in oral sex, as I have come to expect failure of penetration, accompanied with an embarassing excuse. This has made me very, very unconfident, and women can see right through it. I have had a hard time landing a gf to try to overcome this problem. And I can't seem to solve this problem with random sex.

I have had one steady sexual relationship with a female over 2 years ago, and I could perform about half the time, but I was still usually nervous/uncomfortable most of the time even when I could get off. Also, condoms were a major obstacle for me, so we always used birth control. Naturally, I have begun to think I could be repressing homosexual thoughts, although before this ever happened, my sex drive towards women was ragin! I don't fantasize about men throughout the day, but I do get a little turned on by some things about men. The thought of oral sex does kinda turn me on, but any other kind of gay activity is a complete turn-off for me. Anyone have any advice, or see any similarities in where you were or are now? Thanks.

[indigo]

Welcome I'm sure one of the guy's will help you with this.

[Bamboozle]

Welcome, cris.

[freya]

Welcome to SR!

I looked at your profile, and there's no info that indicates why you are on a recovery website....but addiction to alcohol and/or certain other substances can have a very negative impact on one's sexual performance....the longer and more severe the addiction the more severe the effect.....and that's not even getting into the self-esteem issues that often come along with addiction and that also impact one's sexual expression in very negative ways.

So, I think the first question needs to be: are you addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, and if you are but currently not actively, how long have you been clean and sober and what kind of recovery program are you working????

If you are not an addict of any type or have been clean and sober for long enough for it to be safe to assume that most of the attendant physical effects of your addiction should have worn off, these sound like the kind of issues that you might need to work through/address with a Sex Therapist. It is really unwise and unfair to expect that just any woman you happen to meet and hook-up with would be able to effectively help you address this stuff....and, even if she was able and willing, you would be taking a huge risk, relationship wise, to put that kind of burden on her and on your relationship with her.

freya

[Zephyr1977]

Hey crispringles,

There is no really black and white with sexual orientation so feeling aroused by certain thoughts of doing stuff with men might make you a little less on the straight side but doesn't necessarily make you gay. When you hear about someone repressing their homosexuality it's generally not that they just don't know they have these feelings...it's that they have these feelings and they think that they're terribly wrong so they often feel lots of shame and guilt and push it into the back of their mind and do everything to prove to themselves that they are not gay. This is a tough question because no one except you really knows what's going on inside your head and you have to really evaluate for yourself what your level of interest in men is and if you really are interested you may want to try it out. If you're just worried because you're having trouble performing and have in the past had occasional thoughts of men then I would say no you're not gay. If you really are attracted to men and are asking because you want some sort of validation to say it's ok to go ahead and try, then you may be. You're the only person that can decide what is right for you (although you can seek help and advice in doing so).

Now for the other problem, and I'm assuming that outside the attempts at sex that you can get an erection normally, you probably are suffering from anxiety and not some sort of repressed homosexuality (because hey, if you like girls you like girls...even if you like guys too). As someone who also suffers from severe anxiety I know what it's like and I've had that one bad experience induce a horrible streak of worrying so much that it wouldn't work..so it didn't. When I stopped thinking about it (easier said than done...) it went away. My advice would be to talk to a therapist about this even though it may be embarrassing for you. Actually both problems would be good to talk to a therapist about, but when it comes to exploring your true sexual identity make sure it's someone who has your best interest and health in mind and isn't driven by any biases in pushing you one way or the other.

Marx

[indigo]

Welcome Zephyr.

[MCake]

Hi Crispringles,

It's difficult to get a clear picture from the information you've provided. On the surface, it sounds like you have performance anxiety - it's not at all uncommon, many men (and women) experience this anxiety. You could probably work through it by talking to someone you trust, preferably a doctor or counselor, but maybe even a close friend could offer advice and reassurance.

Though I can see a link between performance anxiety and homosexuality (GLBT), from my understanding it's more typical in situations where the person is fully aware of their orientation, but consciously chooses to deny it, and engages in sexual activity with people they don't really desire. Like Freya said, substance abuse can also affect sexual performance, but you didn't mention any addiction. And finally, maybe your anxiety would lessen if you engaged in sexual activity with a person who is aware of your discomfort, and who is willing to help you out.

In a nutshell, I really don't think that having performance anxiety with girls automatically means that you're gay. Sounds like there are two different issues here. Chances are, if you did hypothetically have sex with a guy, you'd probably find that the anxiety is still there. I think that your having homosexual/bisexual/whatever tendencies (or not) is another matter altogether.

Hope this helps, keep us posted

Hi Zephyr

[crispringles]

Thanks for all the replies. And sorry, to clarify - I am recovering from addiction to cocaine and alcohol. I am on day 22 after a one-day slip of booze after 107 days of sobriety. I had made it through step 6 when I slipped, and since have not been working my 12-step program. I am starting to think I can work my own program of recovery, and so far it's going ok. I can recognize my addiction thoughts, and ignore or change them, and I know that once I pick up that first drink I get outta control. I'm keeping my sobriety my number one priority, but have been still thinking non-stop about the underlying issues. I have been seeing a therapist, which has helped me very little with this, as I haven't had an opportunity for sex since I began talking with her. Again, thanks for the replies.