To date or not to date...

[tears25]

Hello everyone...(sorry for the long post)

So I have a dilema.
Since deciding I truly have an alcohol problem and need to do something about it I have spent the majority, but not all of it sober (still struggling very hard with the social side of it).

I don't have many friends and am not strong enough to turn down a drink for the opportunity of some company, nor am I strong enough to drink soda when they are drinking alcohol.

Also I have had some interest lately from some beautiful girls.
I have been desparate for a healthy relationship for a long time (years) as I do think we are social creatures, but saying that I also wouldn't get myself into a bad relationship just for the sake of being in one.
However now I have this dilema where I know if I meet someone for a date, it will most likely be in a bar, where they will most likely be drinking alcohol.

So even if I go on these 1 off days and try keep alcohol to a sensible level (try very very hard) and even if we have a good date, if things go well, I still gotta admit somewhere a long the line that I can't drink anymore and hope they don't run a mile.

So i'm not sure what to do.
I can't stand this lonelyness and know when I am in a relationship it generally makes me a much healthier and happier person. Knowing there is somewhere there who actually cares about you is a big deal for me.
But at the same time I can't afford to risk going out on dates this early in trying to recover.

Any adivce?

[Draysin]

before I type more I'll say I am not too good with
giving "love" kind of advice. heh

A LOT of people at bars aren't there to get drunk
or even to drink but to socialize.
If I were to meet someone there I'd be checking
them out, hoping I could tell if they were a party
animal or not.

Also...how about just working on developing
friendships w/ these people and let the "love"
stuff stay to the side for now?

At this point in your recovery journey, I reckon
you need more friendship than lovey dovey stuff
or anything that will complicate your life.

btw - have you thought about hanging out at some
coffee houses? If there is a college near you, most
likely there is something like that.

[freya]

My advice is that you concentrate on loving yourself and getting yourself healthy -- and that includes both sobriety and a level of self-awareness and self-esteem sufficient to allow you to be alone without being lonely -- and only then do you think about being in intimate relationship with someone else.

You say you are in London, yet you say that if you meet someone for a date it will most likely be in a bar????? Let's get real here -- London is a huge, very progressive metropolis with lots of stuff going on for GLBT people, plenty of which is not happening in bars. If you choose to have your dates be in bars then obviously that's your right, but, you are not living in Podunk, Arkansas (that's US slang for a very small, rural, ultra-conservative town), so if you choose to do your dating/socializing in bars then that is a choice on your part.....and, as your post indicates, it is a choice that is not conducive to your sobriety.

And you say you are not going to get into an unhealthy relationship, but it is very unclear in your post how exactly you intend to prevent that....or even how you would be able to carry out a plan to prevent it assuming you had one. Here you are knowing that you have a problem drinking, yet choosing to go into situations where you know you will be faced with temptation that you are pretty much giving yourself every excuse not to resist, and yet you "seriously" believe (and expect us to believe!) that a relationship that starts out in exactly that same situation has even a snowball's chance in h*ll to be anything but disastrously unhealthy????

It appears from you post that you are not being honest with yourself nor with us. Without true self-awareness, honestly and a firm commitment to your own personal growth and health, what kind of relationship are you really going to be getting into and how can that be, long term, anything but hurtful to both yourself and anyone with whom you might become involved?

freya

[tears25]

Originally Posted by freya

My advice is that you concentrate on loving yourself and getting yourself healthy -- and that includes both sobriety and a level of self-awareness and self-esteem sufficient to allow you to be alone without being lonely -- and only then do you think about being in intimate relationship with someone else.

You say you are in London, yet you say that if you meet someone for a date it will most likely be in a bar????? Let's get real here -- London is a huge, very progressive metropolis with lots of stuff going on for GLBT people, plenty of which is not happening in bars. If you choose to have your dates be in bars then obviously that's your right, but, you are not living in Podunk, Arkansas (that's US slang for a very small, rural, ultra-conservative town), so if you choose to do your dating/socializing in bars then that is a choice on your part.....and, as your post indicates, it is a choice that is not conducive to your sobriety.

And you say you are not going to get into an unhealthy relationship, but it is very unclear in your post how exactly you intend to prevent that....or even how you would be able to carry out a plan to prevent it assuming you had one. Here you are knowing that you have a problem drinking, yet choosing to go into situations where you know you will be faced with temptation that you are pretty much giving yourself every excuse not to resist, and yet you "seriously" believe (and expect us to believe!) that a relationship that starts out in exactly that same situation has even a snowball's chance in h*ll to be anything but disastrously unhealthy????

It appears from you post that you are not being honest with yourself nor with us. Without true self-awareness, honestly and a firm commitment to your own personal growth and health, what kind of relationship are you really going to be getting into and how can that be, long term, anything but hurtful to both yourself and anyone with whom you might become involved?

freya

You are completely right. Friday I was asked to a bar and although the girl is completely amazing, I said no.
Everyone knows me as this person who plays in punk bands and does the rock and roll thing, so I think I need to work on that image change and sobriety before i even think of anyone else.
I do need to get my self esteem higher, each day that goes by it feels like further and further from anyone ever caring.
I feel i've a lot of love to give, i've never abused or neglected somone when i have been in a relationship. infact i pretty much stop drinking, do the opposite things i normally do and take them around the world and back

but, if no one cares you exist, why exist. it's been too long.

[freya]

Tears, I know that turning down that date must've been hard, but you did the right thing -- for yourself and for the other person. If that relationship is meant to be, the opportunity will return to you when you are in a position for it to be healthy and good for both of you.

And you know, the path to self-esteem is made up of learning to do the right thing/the healthy thing/the "esteemable" thing even when it's hard.

The honest truth is that I do not know what it's like not to love and value myself, but I know for 100% certain that we are all valuable and lovable...and I know that you can get to the place where you know that, too. You are on the right track working on your sobriety and your self-esteem; surround yourself with people who you know are successfully doing the same, get their support and their help and just try to trust that your life will get better -- because it will.

freya