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05-23-2009, 03:22 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
| losing myself
I dont know if i have written about this befoer so sorry if i have... my brains going through a mush period at the moment... dont know whats up with me... been quite emotional.... maybe usual early sobriety stuff. Anyway... i wanted to talk about one of the main things i lost through sobriety that i am going to struggle getting back... at the moment anyhow... I lost part of my identity.... I have spoke here before about being transgendered... i actually live part of a double life.... i am louis to my friends and partners and my mum i thought accepted who i was too... But at my work life everyone knows me by my birth name which is female... When i applied for the job i have all my documentation was in my birth name so thats what everyone has called me.... i could ask people not to but after 5yrs it would be confusing and especially to the people i support so i havent said anthing.... It was fine when i had my relationship/friends etc.... i coped with the double life... even when the paths crossed... Now that i have had to back away fom my friends *drinking buddies* through my sobriety... i have no-one left who knows me as louis... except here and on other sites i go on.... My mum even said does that mean i dont have to use that other name now and call you your birth name... she got so upset... i said she could... I feel so lost in who i am now.... i know who i am but no-one else does... I hope this make some sense.... be well louis |
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05-23-2009, 07:15 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,547
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Hey, louis, glad to see you again! Sorry you are having to go through all this crap -- it really s*cks. The thing about recovery, as far as I'm concerned, is that it is about finding out, becoming comfortable with and accepting, and being who you really are. ...and really, whether the issues are around sex and gender or anything else, people deserve to be "called" by the name they want to be called by and people who love and respect you will do their best to try to do that if you make your wishes known to them -- I mean, unless you're like going around trying to get people to call you "Your Royal Highness," or "Supreme Master" or something like that LOL!!!!!! ....I guess, if it were me, I'd tell people what I want to be called, give them a reasonable amount of time to get used to it, and after that time had expired, I probably wouldn't respond to anything else.....and if they want to then call me a b*tch, well, that's OK, too! Recovery is about learning what you need to do to take care of you -- and if you are "louis," then "louis" is who you need to be taking care of! freya
__________________ Working the Steps isn't about me acquiring power; working the Steps is about removing the things that block me from being a channel for God's Power. |
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05-24-2009, 04:56 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
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I dont see anything wrong with "Supreme Master" lol.... just wish i'd thought of it befoer louis..... Hiya.... and thanks freya.... I really hope you are well.... you always seem to make alot of sense to me in your answers... I know i will have to do something... i find it tiring to have to constantly explain to people who i am... but hey... if its what i want i need to take a stand and do it... I wish this board were alittle more active.... i feel comfortable expressing myself here... i know anyone can read it.... but i sort of belong here... Maybe i can just express myself here.... good or bad.... A friend maybe was right when they refered to me from the inerview with a vampire film... where Lestat says to louis.... "louis... louis... louis Your always whining"... lol (or words to that effect.... cant remember the exact script...) Anyway.... thankyou again... and thanks to SR for having this forum for me and others to have a home... be well louis |
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05-24-2009, 07:08 PM
| #4 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,547
| Quote:
 freya
__________________ Working the Steps isn't about me acquiring power; working the Steps is about removing the things that block me from being a channel for God's Power. | |
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05-24-2009, 09:53 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
 | Louis, I too wish this board were more active! Many members do read the GLBT threads, but don't participate. It's a shame. But then, it sort of mirrors offline life :p Regarding your identity... Keep in mind that everyone has "personas" that they express according to the different situations they encounter (home, work, etc). I don't think that's being a fake, it's adaptation - and I do know it's not quite what your were referring to in your post. I can't fully relate to your experience, but it seems as though you know who you really are - be proud of that, it's a blessing  |
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05-25-2009, 08:33 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Htown, baby!
Posts: 384
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Sorry louis.. I can relate to a lot of the issues you're mentioning-feeling like you're leading a double life. But you can be who you really *are* here. You'll certainly get no judgment from a bunch of queers lol I'm not transgender but I guess I really don't identify as being "manly" in any way nor do I really get into anything thats traditionally associated as being masculine-grilling, sports (except for tennis-which is a gender neutral sport), cars, etc ... and on occassion I wear clothes marketed for women because I want to wear what I like, not whats for men or women. But I don't identify as being feminine either. Anyway, it sucks about that comment your mom made.
__________________ "If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightening." Frederick Douglass |
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05-26-2009, 12:43 AM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
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Hey thanks guys.... You know i really do apppreciate your comments.... I've got to admit... i am who i am inside/outside phsically and spiritualy no matter what name i use... so maybe i've not lost myself as much as i thought.... whats in a name hey? Louis only identifies me to others.... not to myself Whatever name i use.... i still act/talk/behave the same.... maybe the name isn't that important as long as i am true to myself... btw freya..... you had me laughing..... cant quite say that with just a thanks.... thankyou folk.... as always you've enabled me to see the error of my ways!!!! be well louis |
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05-26-2009, 09:58 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Missouri
Posts: 98
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Just wanted to pop in and say hi. Your last post was something I had in my mind before I got to the bottom of the thread, you are the same person inside no matter what you called. I'd also like to see this thread be more active too, I think it (and this whole site) can be a great resource for support. Best of wishes to you Jon |
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05-27-2009, 06:44 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
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Hi Jon. Pleased to meet you... I really appreciate you taking the time to read and reply.... yes its a great forum... there are more members joining every day so hopefully it will get used more.... be well louis |
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05-27-2009, 11:09 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Missouri
Posts: 98
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Just kinda bumping the thread up. I'm now pretty much nicotine free (my last hurdle I guess) physically but just nervously wasting time until I fall asleep. Also had an ex who haunts me try to drag me out of my house tonight. I didn't give in. I never had a "sex addict" problem but given my current stress I don't want to push anything.
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05-28-2009, 08:04 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,547
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A few things: Names do matter.....and people refusing to call us by our (within reason) chosen names also matters. There is actually quite a bit of literature in which the idea of people trying to "rename" others and/or refusing to call others by their "real" or "chosen" names is used to symbolize manipulation, power and control.....and to show who has power over whom. (Just think about the issues involved with women changing or not changing their names upon marriage!) This can be especially true with transgendered and/or transsexual people, where, very often, family members will insist on using the (incorrectly gendered) birth name in the attempt to shame the transperson and/or to bolster their own denial and lack of acceptance of that individuals true being and/or bigots will use the "wrong" name to try to embarrass and/or shame him/her. Willfully refusing to call anyone by the name by which he/she wants to be called (within reason) is disrespectful and dismissive...and often indicative of a desire to control or assert power over that person. And, yeah, that matters to anyone who is trying to take care of and respect him/herself. Personas: I hear an awful lot in the rooms about people who play "the chameleon," changing personas at will in order to fit in, please, and/or be accepted by whatever group of people they happen to be with at the time. Almost always people who talk about this seem to attribute it either to the fact that they had/have no clue as to who they truly are and/or to the fact that they were uncomfortable with or outright loathed who they truly are. Thus, it seems that perhaps one would want to be very, very careful about one's motivations if one were to find oneself "comfortable" with presenting widely varying personas from one situation to the next. For me personally, I have a pretty strong sense of "who I am" and, overall, I like and am pretty happy with myself -- I most certainly do not want to be anyone other than who I am. Now, obviously, there are different aspects of myself that are more or less active and at work and visible in different situations and with different people, based on what is appropriate and necessary in that particular context. But this does not mean that there is any attempt to hide or deny or totally dismiss any other aspect, even in a situation where that aspect may not be in the forefront. I guess, for me, it's more like different situations provide different "views" -- all true and accurate -- of the one "me," just "me" as seen from different perspectives. And most certainly no one who knows me in any one context would be shocked or surprised or fail to "recognize" me, if he/she were to somehow encounter me in a situation very different than the type in which he/she usually interacts with me. I think, for me, this comes down to integrity and authenticity -- being real (with myself and others) and being true (to myself) -- which, along with courage, are my very most core personal values. freya
__________________ Working the Steps isn't about me acquiring power; working the Steps is about removing the things that block me from being a channel for God's Power. |
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05-29-2009, 08:27 AM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,547
| Quote:
The difference to me between the chameleon/persona thing and between presenting my one true "self" in ways that are situationally appropriate is that, in the first case, one gives the primary determining "power" to the situation and to others (i.e. one wants to "fit in," to be accepted and/or approved of/or even just somehow "recognized"...it's primarily based on what others might think and/or feel and how others might react), whereas in the second case one is presenting what one uniquely has/is willing to give to/share with those particular others in that particular situation....and, thus, the primary determining factors (or, in some sense, the "power of choice") lies with oneself. In Al Anon terms, I guess I would say the first is really an implicit form of reaction, triggered by outside forces, in a fundamentally wounded, fragmented and insecure "self", whereas the second is a form of action grounded in a fundamentally healthy, integrated and confident self. freya
__________________ Working the Steps isn't about me acquiring power; working the Steps is about removing the things that block me from being a channel for God's Power. | |
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05-31-2009, 05:29 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| hmm....  Join Date: May 2009 Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 45
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Hi louis, I am a androgynous lesbian and have some friends who are transgendered. One thing one person did to help was to send a mass email to everyone they new asking them to respect their wish to now be known as ...... And to pass this message on to whoever, discuss it and ask any respectful questions they may have rather than spread rumours behind his back As far as i'm aware he only received positive feedback and is comfortably now living his life with no one referring to him as his previous name. anywho, to come out to your family and friends is still a brave thing to do and when your ready the time will come for your work place.  I found that before i was comfortable with some people thinking i was a guy i used to get really anxious of what people thought, walking down the street and somone shouting "are you a guy or girl" used to send me on massive drink binges too. I'm still insecure but not really about that... one thing i have found is now im more relaxed and comfortbale accepting im androgynous, quite a lot of people find that attractive! lol I guess the important things is to be comfortbale for you, don't force nothing and when you can make that brave step to come out to everyone and I think you will feel a big weight of relief. Take it easy x |
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06-02-2009, 05:09 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
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Thankyou for your replies guys.... I will need to come back another time to post properly... Im not going through a good time just now with my counselling.... My counselor is trying to get me to stop using my escapisms and i am finding it hard to cope.... I've stopped drinking yeah.... but there is so much more and everyone of them is fighting for a place at the top of the list in my brain... Im finding it really hard to focus just now.... so not much is making sense to me... Im sorry i will get back to this thread.... i just cant right now but didnt want to seem ignorant by not replying.... be well louis |
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06-02-2009, 07:45 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,547
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Hey, take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself...you will get through this! Praying for you -- freya
__________________ Working the Steps isn't about me acquiring power; working the Steps is about removing the things that block me from being a channel for God's Power. |
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