Does it get to you sometimes?

[MCake]

My sexual orientation has always been clear to me. I am grateful because I can accept it fully and thoroughly, which is certainly -and sadly- not the case with many GLBT people. I am also grateful for not feeling the need to defend myself, and for being able to stand my ground whenever I encounter rejection, ignorance and glbt-phobia.

Sometimes, though - and despite having a tough skin - I can't help feeling a bit hurt when people judge this aspect of myself. It hurts. And what about this: whenever I encounter such situations, my overall feeling is one of compassion. I am not a martyr or anything like that. I just get where they are coming from, and I understand their prejudice.

Can anyone relate?

[nandm]

I think I understand what you are saying Matt. Personally I too feel bad for people who miss out on getting to know someone because they have so much fear that they judge the book by its cover rather than get to know the person and then decide if they are someone worth knowing. What I find amazing is I have had people who were my "friends" for years that suddenly quit talking to me once they found out I was gay. Why should who I love matter to anyone. I am the same person I was before they found out I am gay so what changed? Their fears is what changed..

[Eroica]

Well its not too bad if they're strangers or acquaintences.. but when they're your own family its tough. My parents think homosexuality is sick, immoral, wrong, etc and they will probably never accept that part of me. I'm grateful though because some people have it really bad and get kicked out of their homes or abused when they come out to their family. Thankfully that never happened to me! But I still envy other people who have families where thats not an issue at all.

[MCake]

Originally Posted by nandm

judge the book by its cover... what I find amazing is I have had people who were my "friends" for years that suddenly quit talking to me once they found out I was gay

nandm

This is precisely my point. Should I feel lucky because my family, friends and acquaintances graciously bestow their acceptance upon me?

Of course not! Why should I apologize for being gay? Being true to myself is my right!

I have countless flaws that I have acknowledged and I am working upon, including addictive behaviour - primarily for my own sake. Regarding my homosexuality, though, I am *officially* done with apologies. It is not up for grabs, it is non-negotiable, I am done with prejudice, and as far as I'm concerned anyone who thinks otherwise can either keep it out of my face or shut up.

Originally Posted by Eroica

My parents think homosexuality is sick, immoral, wrong, etc and they will probably never accept that part of me. I'm grateful though because some people have it really bad and get kicked out of their homes or abused when they come out to their family. Thankfully that never happened to me! But I still envy other people who have families where thats not an issue at all.

I don't even know where to start here. Eroica

[freya]

I can't honestly say that I "get" bigotry....I mean, I understand intellectually where it comes from and what causes it and I understand the ways in which our society benefits from it and, therefore, encourages it...but I can't say that I "get" it on a gut, experiential level.....

.....In fact, on a gut, experiential level, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to me...especially when it comes to bigotry around sex and gender...I mean, when I try to stop and contemplate it or feel what it might be like to "feel" or "experience" it, all I come up with is a strong sense of "Why on earth would anybody bother to care at all about what other people are doing and how they are being in respect to sex and gender?" I mean what could that possibly have to do with me and why would it interest me? It feels totally crazy and surreal to me!

Since I've been in program, I have come to see/understand that people who act in these kinds of bigoted ways are really acting out of woundedness and self-loathing, so I can have compassion for them. But, I still don't want/need people like that in my life, and I certainly don't let their behavior "get to me." But, it's not like that's a conscious choice -- it just doesn't get to me......actually, I typically feel very much detached from it, like I'm dealing with some bizarre intrusion into my world from some alternate pseudo-reality or like I'm dealing with some very childish silliness -- I guess because I just have such a strong sense that it really is crazy and it really is about them and their wounding and has nothing whatsoever to do with me.

freya

[chris1959]

Live and Let Live right ?

R U Heterophobic ? Sounds it to me.
So sensitive. GBLT come to regular meetings all the time.
I go to a GBLT meeting and I get looks like I just kicked somebodies dog. I'm straight but that don't make me bad. I have a sundry of gay friends. Or I did before this post :

Mat 7: 1, Luke 6: 37

[freya]

Chris, I'm not sure where you see "heterophobia" in this thread. Maybe you could refer to some specific lines???

Technically, heterophobia would be fear (or hatred) of people just because they are straight (heterosexual); in this thread, I see people talking negatively about certain bigoted, intolerant behaviors, but I don't see anyone here saying anything negative about anyone's sexual orientation...and I certainly don't see anything that makes absolute negative assumptions about heterosexuals as a demographic group.

Actually, it seems to me like you've read a lot of stuff into this thread that is not, in fact, here. If you do the same thing with people's "looks" when you go to GLBT meetings, it's really not surprising that you'd feel unwelcomed. Apparently, GLBT people are not the only ones who can be "so sensitive!" LOL!

freya

[chris1959]

You're absolutely right. I am sensitive and I talk to much.

[kj3880]

I'm sorry this has happened to any of my GLBT (always think that sounds like some kind of sandwich, don't you?!?) friends in recovery. It doesn't seem like an issue in my area, but maybe it is some places. I go to meetings in a big city that has a large GLBT population, so it would be very frowned upon for someone to act bigoted at a meeting or event. It was great at the recent convention to see people of all races and sexuality just being themselves, not worrying about how they looked, especially at the dances. The main speaker revealed that she is gay and got overwhelming applause. I'm sorry it isn't like that everywhere. Matty--move to Baltimore--soon!
Love,
KJ

[sct]

Nah, I just pretty much roll on with however I feel like being on a given day. I got too much sh*t going on in my head to sweat the petty things. I check out guys- whenever I damn well please- talk about my boyfriend, etc. If it's an issue, it ain't my issue.

... course I'm a little spiky.

[MCake]

@ Freya: yeah, I also understand bigotry intellectually. At the very least, it's baffling and annoying. Thanks for helping me gain some perspective I think that, along with self-loathing, fear and plain ignorance spawn bigotry.

@ Chris: no heterophobia here. But yes, sometimes I'm too sensitive for my own good, though -like most aspects of myself- that's subject to change without warning. Thanks fo the kiss!! LOL.

@ KJ: yaay, we'd have a blast if we lived in the same city!! I live in a pretty cosmopolitan and open-minded place, though. Actual bigotry/intolerance does not help of course, the real issue is how I respond to it.

@ Spiky: good point. I think that it's downright dangerous to ignore the problem, but I do know that's not what you're saying. It's all about balance.

I'm glad I vented, thanks so much for bearing with me

[yeahgr8]

I find it amazing that people can still be concerned about another's sexuality?! Worked with a gay asian guy in London, is great guy and actually a little effeminate. We worked for national company and he 'came out' one night to me in a pub, asked his mate to leave the table and said he had something to tell me. Anyways after much 'i don't know how to say this' etc. he finally told me to which i said 'I should hope you are!' which kind of took all the pressure off, i mean cmon who you fooling man! All throughout the time he was leading up to telling me i was thinking he is gonna hit on me, how do i tell him i'm not interested but still want to be friends (there's that ego!). So we got chatting and i told him my concern and he said 'don't worry you are not my type'...then i instigated a 30 min convo as to WHY i am not his type...wtf (there it is again). My friend then joined me at the pub and we both declared that if he got any hassle we would have a hetro bashing and me and my bud would carry out the beating...can any of you picture this convo, my friend that just came out is about 5'5 and hes got 2 6'5 'straight' guys offering to go 'straight' bashing on his behalf!

I have no idea why i am writing this btw...anyway i have known a few gay guys in my time and all have been great guys, i don't say that like there is a reason they should not be, but i hate this sort of persecution based on someone's sexuality and just wanted to say that!

[kj3880]

Matty,
We have a huge East Coast NA convention (with people of all races, religions, sexual prefs, etc) going on in April at the beach (Ocean City). The gay scene 15 miles from there at Rehoboth is very lively, too. I think you should come out for a visit!

KJ

[sct]

Don't get me wrong Matty, I will give someone a verbal dressing down if necessary... Sometimes even if they ask nice... no, wait, wrong forum. If someone is talking sh*t, I usually just say, "I'm gay." I feel that in general, I get along ok with most people. I've never been in the closet, but most people don't realize I'm gay until I say something that makes it clear.

Of course, I also bite people for general ignorance and superficiality. For me it's not so much a bigotry thing, it's a 'don't glorify your own ignorance' thing. Which applies to everyone.

[FightingIrish]

I so haven't even begun to deal with dating yet (I have a year and a half.) I have a couple of gay friends in the rooms, but the majority are straight. I have experienced no bigotry. I do feel like that whole area of my life is directly connected in some strange way with drinking and using. Like, when I would go out and meet people, socialize, date...I was usually pretty ****** up. For the 5 years before I came in, I only had sex drunk or high.

So, I feel like I'm about in 8th grade at the moment where that is concerned...

[Eroica]

As many bigots as there are here in America, its really a gay person's paradise here compared to other countries. (not to diminish the experience of hate crimes here in the US) I have tons of relatives living in India, and although I suspect some are gay, they all get married and have kids. Being "gay" is really not part of anyones identity there. If a man is gay, he just keeps it a secret. I think homosexual acts might even be outlawed and India isn't even as conservative as some other countries lol