A few questions

[nandm]

What do you feel is most important in a relationship?

What do you feel a long lasting love relationship is based upon?

What key elements do you feel are needed to keep a love relationship alive?

I got to thinking about these things because of a reply by someone on a different thread. Rather than highjack that thread I thought I would start this one. Please share your thoughts. I am really interested in them.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by nandm

What do you feel is most important in a relationship?

My experience is that a mutual trust and respect are the most important things for me in a relationship. When one feels respected and trusted they feel valued and cared for. When I respect and trust someone then I am more aware of my actions around them and towards them as the last thing I want to do is hurt them. A relationship can live without many things but without respect and trust there is little to hold the relationship together. That is why I feel that a mutual trust and respect is most important to me.

What do you feel a long lasting love relationship is based upon?

The same as I stated above and friendship. I think that being able to laugh together is important. Sex and good looks come and go but respect and trust last a lifetime.

What key elements do you feel are needed to keep a love relationship alive?

Again the same as I stated above. I work harder at my relationship because I do not want to lose it because it is based on something real and tangible for the second time in my life. The first time I had a relationship like this I threw it away because I became careless. I am fortunate to be able to call that person a friend today although it took almost 10 years for me to be able to get past my regrets and reach out to appologize for my actions.


Just my thoughts.

[Mattcake]

This is an easy one:

MUTUAL TRUST!

I was badly burned once by trusting someone who blatantly cheated on me. Lesson learned. Trust is my personal priority, and the one thing I look for (and NEED) in a relationship. Respect, friendship, great sex, laughs, understanding... Well, those are important too of course. But they mean nothing to me if there is no trust to back up the relationship. In my book, cheating and dishonesty are grounds for immediate breakup; that might sound extreme, but I consider myself unconditioanlly faithful and loyal. If the trust that I've placed on the relationship is broken, there is simply no going back. That also applies to friendships, BTW. I may be able to forgive, but the bond is gone. And it's not because I'm stubborn, for some reason I'm simply unable to do it - try as I might.

So... trust is the deal breaker for me.

I'm ranting, lol, but this is a big issue for me. If I trust the other person, then it's all good.

Great topic Judith!!

[Mattcake]

What keeps a relationship alive?

I think that an ongoing comitment keeps it alive. IME that's "trust in action". With that cornerstone firmly in place, everything else can be worked on. I think that mutual understanding and support is also very important. I agree with what Nandm said, looks etc come and go, though some level of physical attraction is probably necessary

[Mattcake]

Hmmmm... I'm not saying that the possibility of cheating isn't there... Maybe my first post sounded too extremist.

This might sound weird, but when discussing this very topic with potential partners, they have all asked me what would happen if I were to break the trust. My answer has always been the same: "I'd tell you first so that we can discuss what's going on." I know that answer isn't exactly elegant or flattering but, again, it just proves my point. As in "I trust you enough to let you know that I've been thinking about being unfaithful". That situation has never arisen so far but, to be honest, no one is beyond it - or at least I know I'm not.

Let's just say that wasn't the answer they wanted to hear. Oh well.

[Aysha]

I said mutual respect..Because a couple of the choices were my answer and I feel respect has the others in that.

Sex aint ****.

And I am going to tell you why I feel this way.

Anyone can have sex with whoever.
Alot people are very promiscuous.
And alot of people arent.
But sex is sex.
You dont have to love someone to have sex with them.
But you can love someone with or without sex.
Does that make sense?

What would you call older people who have been married forever and have the best relationship ever, But do to age dont have sex?

I dont believe anyhting good or long lasting is ever based on sex alone.
Unless all your looking for is a friend with benefits.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by chiynita

I Anyone can have sex with whoever.
Alot people are very promiscuous.
And alot of people arent.
But sex is sex.
You dont have to love someone to have sex with them.
But you can love someone with or without sex.

What would you call older people who have been married forever and have the best relationship ever. But do to age dont have sex.

I dont believe anyhting good or long lasting is ever based on sex alone.
Unless all your looking for is a friend with benefits.

Very well put. Thanks

[Mattcake]

I respect your point of view Chi

When I was blabbing about unfaithfulness, I wasn't really thinking of the sexual side of it / cheating. It's the breach of trust that gets to me. Truly opening up to people is a big challenge for me, and so far I've never recovered from situations where my commitment was plundered.

[adore79]

Yeah I kinda agree, if you dont have trust, what is there? I'll tell you- all my relationships, and they were all a total waste of time.

[Aysha]

I believe trust and friendship..all go into respect basicly.

And again I feel you can cheat without having sex.
I got more mad at someone for spending time with another like they would me over them having sex with someone.
Neither is acceptable.
Like I said..Anyone can F***. But it doesnt mean they love them.
But if someone I am with is developing a relationship beyond that. It hurts way more.
AM I twisted?
But again..It hurts with both. Just more so for me with them having feelings for someone.

[Mattcake]

Originally Posted by chiynita

I believe trust and friendship..all go into respect basicly..

Yeah, I agree... Maybe it's just a matter of semantics

Originally Posted by chiynita

AM I twisted?
But again..It hurts with both. Just more so for me with them having feelings for someone.

[justanothrdrunk]

Mutual trust AND respect.

I don't think I could trust someone I don't respect. And on the flipside, I couldn't respect someone I don't trust either.

I think those two aren't separate.

[Rainbowgirl128]

I said trust because I know how impossible it is to be happy with somebody after they have lied or cheated. As much as you love the person or are attracted to them, that bond that is formed in the initial period of the relationship goes to **** when someone breaks trust. I was dating this woman for several months last year. Then she got drunk and hooked up with my friend practically right in front of me. She apologized and says she doesnt talk to my friend anymore, but i still dont really believe her. Once that seed of doubt is planted it is there. I think she wants to get back together, and I still love her and WANT to believe her, but my feelings are not as strong as they were before.

Wouldn't it be great if people didnt do stupid careless crap to break our trust in the first place?

[adore79]

[QUOTE=chiynita;1987627]And again I feel you can cheat without having sex.
I got more mad at someone for spending time with another like they would me over them having sex with someone.
QUOTE]

I agree Chi, although I think it might be hard sometimes to judge if a person is having an emotional affair with someone else. If they have sex with someone else you can call them on it, but if they hang out with someone else how can you really be sure if they have romantic feelings for that person or if they are just friends with them. Seems like it could be a grey area, and we all know how our imaginations can blow things out of proportion and make things seem worse than it is. Just a thought.

[indigo]

Well I couldn't decide on one thing because all the questions had a lot of good merit. Trust and respect are essential for me and my partner,a good sense of fun and humour, tenderness and compassion, understanding and affection. The fact that my my heart still drops into my stomach when she walks in a room. Romance and not taking each other for granted. To be good listeners and talkers and to be able to make decisions together. To be honest is high on our list too. Great idea Nandm thanks.
indie

[freya]

The best I can do here is say that, as far as I'm concerned, "A lot of things in common" is the least important on this particular list. A consistent, persistent lack of any of the others would be a deal-breaker for me personally.

freya

[freya]

BTW, as a born-again 12 Stepper, I am personally finding that a spiritual connection (beyond the spiritual connection that can go along with a strong sexual connection) would be pretty high-up on my own list...Again though, as I just said in another thread, a lot of things are both necessary and important....It would really be a pretty huge distortion of and disservice to my lived experience to say that any one thing is absolutely most important all the time....in my primary relationship or in any other major area of my life.

freya

[freya]

I thought about this some more last night before I went to sleep and I think that I would have to say that, for me at this point in my life/recovery/spiritual journey, my ideal for a relationshiop would be that each partner be fully committed to/involved in her own continued growth/healing/recovery and also to supporting the other person in hers...without worry or fear or need to control any of that so as to ensure that they grow and stay together but rather with faith that as long as they each move forward along the path that HP has for them, individually and as a couple, everything will be what it needs to be and it will be good.

That sounds really complicated and hard and abstract and idealistic, and I'm certainly not saying that that is where my own relationship is at at this point (my partner's not doing so well right now) or even that that's where I'm at myself all the time (because I do get scared and want to know the future -- and, of course, know that it's going to be what I think it should be...can you all hear HP laughing now?????) but that, to me, would be the best and definitely something to strive toward.

freya

[Mattcake]

Originally Posted by freya

I thought about this some more last night before I went to sleep and I think that I would have to say that, for me at this point in my life/recovery/spiritual journey, my ideal for a relationshiop would be that each partner be fully committed to/involved in her own continued growth/healing/recovery and also to supporting the other person in hers...without worry or fear or need to control any of that so as to ensure that they grow and stay together but rather with faith that as long as they each move forward along the path that HP has for them, individually and as a couple, everything will be what it needs to be and it will be good.

Now THAT is a dream scenario I wouldn't write it off though, Freya... Knowing what you want is the first step to achieving it

[JoeJ]

I voted 'friendship', because that's been the been the foundation built upon by every good relationship I've ever had.