Crazy again

[cloud8]

Sorry this is so long Well guys I haven't posted in awhile, Ive been very busy with my new obsession work. Training to become a manager and studying for my CDM lic. It consumes my life at times. Yet like anything new im hoping it will settle down soon. Im kinda nervous about opening up here as another defect of character is my need to accept everyones opinion and approval. Some of you can be direct and painfully honest..lol but thats good. Any way heres my situation any observations would be i hope helpful.

In less then a month ill be 2 years sober and clean, Ive worked the 12 steps with my sponsor, go to 3 meetings a week, Do my daily am meditations. Also i get the opportunity to help others in the treatment facility i went through, When I started this deal I had lost it all, I was a mess. But thats another story. Hell i even have a car today, And i live with a great friend who has a bit more time then myself. Not to mention should i continue as i am at work and in my recovery there is a bright future ahead,,Sounds great doesent it, looks good on paper sure.

Oh hell im just gonna say it, all this thats going on all this great stuff as a result of being sober and all that goes with it, and im just sick of it all, dont theses people know im a peice of ** a lier and only after one thing putting myself in a place where i can once again drink and leave all this bs behind me. Look ive been checked out on pills and booze for 25 years and its times like now that i miss the hell out of it, do this step work that step, be grateful, trust god, go to a meting call your sponsor. help others. And for what so i can not go to jail, again thats a good reason, so i dont end up in treatment again, another good reason, being dead as a result of drinking dosent bother me, its being alive while using and drinking that i just cant deal with anymore.
Ive had peace of mind and serenity over the last 2 years more then not, but now all of a sudden im nuts. And yes ive worked step one i know im powerless and cant drink again, do i like it hell no, never did. but the alternative is even worse then this. now i know some are gonna say i haven't worked my steps correctly honestly or what ever, but my sponsor of 30 years knows different, look guys am i the only one in the whole dang world of recovery and 12 step programs that has days when they miss what drinking did for them when it worked, and at times still get mad that it stooped working, I don't want to realy go back out and loose all thats been given me, but omg this living thing is alot more difficult then i knew. And everyone is so SPIRITUALY FIT AT THE METTINGS I GO TO THAT I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS SCREWED UP THESES DAYS, Im sorry to be so negitive, just needed to dump it i guess, all that said its apparent to me that i have alot more work to do and self acceptance, I just need to know im not the only one.. Selfishness is the root of our problem or at least mine theses days, so ill try harder to think of others and get the hell out of my self,, still praying..cloud 8

[cloud8]

Thanks for reading my post, After doing some reading and calling my sponsor, talking to a few recovering people, I have discovered that work had become my higher power the people in it and all about it, Im now studying the pricaples behind the steps. Once again i found help . I guess we all have our bad days and im no different. But i will share this if it wasent for the fellowship and sr along with the 12 steps theses last few days might of ended up different, and that even though a part of me sometimes thinks the old ways, would have been awful. because although im not perfect without being sober id never have a chance to grow on the inside, My higher power puts me right were i need to be.
If any new people to sober living should read this just know that life and the people in it dont always change because we get sober, but that we can with the help of others and a little honesty and trust in something greater then ourselfs. whatever that is to you. thanks

still growing

[freya]

Wow...Cloud, that's quite a turn-around. Good for you for using your program tools and getting yourself in a better place!

Also, if I were you, I would try to connect with some f those people at the meetings whose spirituality you really admire. I made a little project of doing something like that a few years ago, and it was really helpful for me. I just like contacted people and told them that the reason I was contacting them was because I admired what I'd seen thus far of their spirituality, and I was wondering if maybe we could just get together and talk about our spiritual journeys.

It was a very cool little project for me over several months. I learned a lot and got some really strong validation and some really good ideas of things that I wanted to try in order to improve/further my spiritual connection/condition. Also, it was very interesting to see how very differently some of these people saw themselves from the way I saw them.

And I have ended up getting a couple of really good friends/mentors out of it, too.

But, the most important thing, for me, is that the further I go on my spiritual journey, the more protection I seem to have against those kind of really bad, dangerous days like you wrote about in your first post......because, after all, if I know I'm good enough for HP, then how can I not deserve the good things that HP chooses to give me?

freya

[cloud8]

Thanks for the great idea, always love to read your posts.. and the beat goes on!!!