hmm, decisions decisions

[Cpop86]

Hey all, I am not really big on forums but I guess I'm kind of at an impasse really. Where do I start....well I've been going out with someone for the past 10 months. This started after my 18 month anniversary without drinking. I moved in with he and his roomate and my meetings all of a sudden lost priority (being my "other half" doesnt understand them nor need them) and I slipped a few months back but quickly went back on the path of recovery being nothing changed.

My roommate and bf went back to supporting me but somethings been different... He's been texting all the time and over the months he's been more distant although he still says he's "there" for me. Just the other night I find he's been texting an ex of his and that makes me uncomfortable. Now he's never lied to me before but the nature of these messages just bothers me.

I would HATE to break up and I wouldnt know how to move on, but if it were inevitible, I wouldn't know where to start. I'm 23, a student in community college and have a low end job in fast food (which im actually grateful for). I tend to believe that we've been downgraded to friends without it being said since he kinda dodges it when I ask and gives me a very indirect answer. He claims to want to help me but if he becomes a hopeless case in a chat room or club and replaces me, I just dont know what I need to do. I have this lingering fear of becoming homeless being I have burnt a lot of bridges with my folks in the past.

Anyone have any advice? I could REALLY use it. Anyways it feels good to just put it out there. Thanks for reading.

[freya]

Welcome to SR!

Well, in my experience as the partner of an alcoholic, if my A is not actively working her program of recovery, then she really is not capable of being present with me (emotionally/psychologically/spiritually) anymore than she is if she were actively drinking.

And, of course, it just so happens that I work a 12 Step program myself, so I do understand and support her working hers....but the fact is that, even if I didn't, it's not my responsibility to somehow get her to work a strong program and her sobriety (physical/emotional/spiritual) does not and cannot depend on my doing so, anymore than my continued progress in my program can depend on her.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, if indeed your partner is looking outside of your relationship for intimacy of any type that he "should" be getting from you, maybe you need to ask yourself what your own part in that is?????? And I'm not in any way condoning any kind of possible dishonesty or underhandedness on your partner's part; just saying that alcoholism goes hand-in-hand with relationship dysfunction, so if you don't want to have to deal with relationship dysfunction, then you need to deal seriously and directly with your alcoholism and it's underlying issues.

And a good start would be to talk honestly and directly with your partner about what you're feeling and what you need -- both around the behavior of your partner and around the necessity of your renewing your commitment to your recovery program.

...and, if he is really interested in being there for you in a healthy way and in having something good to do while you're doing your recovery work, he might try checking out some Al Anon meetings for himself.

freya

P.S. And I will say that I am actively dealing with this in my own relationship right now because my partner seems more and more to not be in a good place in terms of her program and/or her non-drinking addictive behavior, and it is really taking a toll on our relationship and beginning to drag on my own serenity and my own program -- which, I'm feeling more and more certain, I am not going to be willing to tolerate much longer.