OMG! (W)hore-mones are driving the bus!

[evmdimples]

aack! Sad realization today. And a little embarrassed to admit to this. The (w)hore-mones have once again invaded this body and have taken over. They do this on a monthly basis, or close to it. I called the ex-ex a few days ago to ask her over (with ulterior motives. She's 5 hours away. She declined.) Today I've medicated with wine... to no avail (not my DOC, although today it is). I'm thinking of the other ex- about calling her... she IS my DOC, the reason I joined CoDa. I'm codependent.

I've learned to use the tools in the toolkit. And have been really good about it. But these last few days, for some reason, I've been spinning out of control. My main fear/realization: this is what has been driving my (worst) actions. All. My. Life.

I now know I medicate with relationships, to get away, to use as my escape route. (I've also done alcohol, food, meds, but relationships are my main DOC). Now I'm faced with returning to mom's house, due to life circumstances. She's latino. She doesn't know I'm gay (I came out to myself 5 yrs ago, still struggling). She's been my core issue since conception (didn't want me). I've worked hard on that. But I'm afraid that once I get there, it'll be too much for me. And I'll start doing all the stuff I've done to escape: alcohol, food, pills. And run into the arms of anyone who will take me. Not a good idea. Not for a codependent 9 mo. into her recovery.

I am posting for support. ESH. Ideas. Fresh perspectives. New tools for the toolkit. I am not happy that the (w)hore-mones have been driving this bus for so long. It's as though when they invade, everything else disappers and they take over my better judgement. My crazy mood swings (bp-like, maybe I am a little). My d-r-i-v-e. And that's when the huntress comes out. Yes, that infamous couger that I talked about on another thread. And she's relentless and dangerous, mostly to herself.

Thinking out loud, looking for support, tools and words of wisdom from the SR family, so I can prepare even more before the big move.

[Bamboozle]

(((evm)))

I don't have any words of wisdom...but here's a hug:

[freya]

OK I googled CoDA's 12 Steps and see they are basically the same as any other 12 Step Program, so:

Sounds to me like, at this moment, you are on Step 2 (Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.) with this issue -- Instead of calling your exes for "help," how about calling on your HP????....or at least some CoDA friends????

And, just in general, where are you in your Stepwork? Have you done a fearless and thorough 4th Step around this? Have you shared it with your sponsor?

If you are indeed in full relapse mode, then you need to go back to basics fast and hard.

freya

[evmdimples]

Thank you Freya, for pointing me in the right direction. I got turned around in the storm of my emotions and had lost my bearings!

I am on step 4. And this thread was definitely a step 4 and possibly 5, since I've shared it with someone else.

Last night I realized that in fact I don't have anyone to call (Coda friends), and that's something I'm going to have to work on. (In coda it's difficult to find sponsors, given the nature of the problem. Most people get sponsors in sister fellowships.)

I did however stay the course this weekend, i.e. feel the feelings and not act on them. And as usual during that type of exercise, painful as it is, I uncovered what's really behind all this. It's my deeply rooted fear of abandonment. Something to work on. I know it's a childhood fear and nothing to do with the here and now. Current circumstances are bringing it up (lack of closure from a recent breakup.) Now I know that I need to do some serious repair work on my emotional foundation. But I don't know how to even start. I welcome words of wisdom on this matter. Meanwhile, I will let go and let HP.

Again, thanks for your words Freya, they were exactly what I needed to hear to get back on track.