Here it is...

[Bamboozle]

...all of it. Time to be 100% honest. Maybe someone can tell me something that clicks.

The antidepressants do a good job for the most part, but I'm having a really bad moment tonight. I hope this feeling passes soon...the last time it lasted about three days.


I'm lost.

I'm not comfortable calling myself a woman. I'm not comfortable calling myself a man. I answer to both and I don’t correct people…because there is nothing to correct…I guess.

I have woman parts...and I've been attracted to nothing but straight women all of my life.

I cannot control who it is I'm attracted to. I know that being who I am and being attracted to straight women is futile...but I cannot change it. I swear if I could I would...this is making me miserable.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone.

Is the reason I'm attracted to straight women because there really isn't anyone out where I am? Gay/Bi people are scarce here.

Or is it because I see myself as male when thinking about or relating to women and see how women respond to men...and I want the same?

I like feminine women who have strength of character, are independent and know how to take control.

I know there has to be some lesbians or bisexuals out there who fit this.

Where are they? I'm lost without them.

I wish I was male...I don't know if that's because I think it would be easier for me...or because that makes more sense because I've never felt comfortable as I am. Sh!t, I’m nearly 30 and I’m still not comfortable with the way that I walk and talk. I feel so awkward.

Nothing fits and I can't change who I am...I’m out of place.

I don't know what to think or what to do.

I'm desperately trying to make sense of all of this and I have no direction.

I just want to be me...whoever the f*ck that is.

WTF?

[evmdimples]

No words of wisdom coming up, only

[mattcake79]

No advice from me either, Bam.. just my (ongoing) experience:

I have been attracted to a certain "type" of guy since my early teens. In the past few years, I've begun discovering that they possess distinct qualities I perceive myself as lacking. This is obviously unhealthy. One of the keys, imho, is trying to cultivate self-love or, at the very least, self-acceptance. By accepting myself to the best of my ability, my perceptions and desires are slowly shifting. And this isn't a conscious process: I notice the effect, as the "types" I'm now attracted to are more blurry and flexible.

I doubt this is of much help. Sending you lots of hugs - love yourself

[Zencat]

All I can say I wanted to be a female ever since I tried on my first dress at somewhere about 5 yrs old. After that I was conflicted as to about who I was. Sexually I was aroused about being a woman. This discovery came at about 8 yrs old. That lasted all through my adolescence and through my adulthood. I had no clue as to WTF this was all about other than thinking I was a weirdo and needed to hide the "who I though I was".

I'm still not sure what the hell I am other than I am, and theirs this strange pull between being a man, a woman, or whatever. I hear the term transgendered and yet...I don't know. I think I would look like Boris Karloff in a dress and makeup if I bandy about in how I feel I could look. Egad's its all to much really. I'm constantly thinking about undergoing a sex change...well partial...hormones and stuff...and then...whatever...god this weird talking about this...but yea I think I can relate there Bam. Or I'm just putting it all out there and don't really know where I'm going with this. Dang I feel stupid.

[evmdimples]

I suspect that there are a LOT of people who have the internal struggle about male/female, consciously or unconsciously, but nobody talks about it and so some of us go around feeling different, weird, we don't quite fit and sometimes we don't even know why.

As a young teenager I used to sneak peaks at dad's playboys. I didn't "know" it wasnt' "normal" for a girl to feel those things with those types of pictures. Nobody talked about anything that related to sex. And definitely not about gays. Certainly no role models were available. The term bisexual had never been part of my conscious reality. The trans experience was based solely on cross-dressers who put on burlesque shows. (Like the priscilla queen of the desert movie.) It's much much later in life (5 years ago) that IT finally dawned on me. I look like a feminine woman on the outside but I feel a distinct energy on the inside, which I call "male", alongside the female energy. I've had a therapist debate this point with me, invalidating the "male" energy saying it was just a stronger part of me. I don't know, maybe it's just what I believe to be "male"... but it just feels... different than the female aspect. Hard to explain except to someone who might feel the same.

I started to wear my dad's clothes around 15. It felt right for me to wear dad's shirts and girl bottoms. To this day I dress like that: I generally wear boy pants and girl tops. (and makeup and I fuss about my hair.) It all feels like a good reflection of who I am. These days if pressed, the closest I am willing to define myself, label-wise is gay woman. I feel that's broad enough and covers the spectrum; I don't feel that the LBT fit me, but then what's left? Me. I'm attracted to strong, intelligent independent women. I used to think it was just of the soft butch type. I've been proven wrong. I also like men, I'm mostly attracted to the male mind, I feel comfortable speaking to men; I've been told I'm like one of the guys, but prettier.

Maybe one day, there will be sex education classes offered that cover all aspects of the rainbow, where these topics will be discussed openly, honestly and respectfully. Maybe then, a lot of us won't have to go through life feeling... slightly different, a bit isolated, unable to quite fit anywhere, sometimes without even knowing why. Maybe then, we won't have to resort to addictions to help us get through our life experience.

As far as where I'm at today, I agree with what Matt said: "One of the keys, imho, is trying to cultivate self-love or, at the very least, self-acceptance. By accepting myself to the best of my ability, my perceptions and desires are slowly shifting. And this isn't a conscious process." This has happened with my recovery process, which has opened me to begin to develop self-love.

Thanks to bam and all others for your honesty and willingness to step out of the comfort zone.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by mattcake79

No advice from me either, Bam.. just my (ongoing) experience:

I have been attracted to a certain "type" of guy since my early teens. In the past few years, I've begun discovering that they possess distinct qualities I perceive myself as lacking. This is obviously unhealthy. One of the keys, imho, is trying to cultivate self-love or, at the very least, self-acceptance. By accepting myself to the best of my ability, my perceptions and desires are slowly shifting. And this isn't a conscious process: I notice the effect, as the "types" I'm now attracted to are more blurry and flexible.

I doubt this is of much help. Sending you lots of hugs - love yourself

You knew I was going to ask...what's the process, then? How do I get there?

I'm trying...I'm starting out slowly. I can say to myself that I do take good photographs. I can say that I have a good sense of humor and am good at getting people to laugh. I'm trying my best to focus on my positive qualities. I do have positive qualities.

Something happened yesterday that made me feel pretty good about myself. Usually when I go out in public I feel like the fattest person around. I don't have any idea what was up with Saturday, but rather large people were out in full force. I couldn't believe it...I was, for the first time, actually seeing others bigger than me (I know...they were there all along)...and for once I didn't feel bad about myself! I know that's a horrible way to go about it...but it made me feel better. I've been losing weight over the last 4 months and I've been happy about that.

Thanks, Matt.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by Zencat

All I can say I wanted to be a female ever since I tried on my first dress at somewhere about 5 yrs old. After that I was conflicted as to about who I was. Sexually I was aroused about being a woman. This discovery came at about 8 yrs old. That lasted all through my adolescence and through my adulthood. I had no clue as to WTF this was all about other than thinking I was a weirdo and needed to hide the "who I though I was".

I'm still not sure what the hell I am other than I am, and theirs this strange pull between being a man, a woman, or whatever. I hear the term transgendered and yet...I don't know. I think I would look like Boris Karloff in a dress and makeup if I bandy about in how I feel I could look. Egad's its all to much really. I'm constantly thinking about undergoing a sex change...well partial...hormones and stuff...and then...whatever...god this weird talking about this...but yea I think I can relate there Bam. Or I'm just putting it all out there and don't really know where I'm going with this. Dang I feel stupid.

You make sense to me, Zen...and you're not stupid. Thanks for the share.

I'm not sure the word transgendered fits me...I really don't know. Maybe there just aren't words for me to say what I feel. Maybe I'm thinking too much...I tend to overanalyze.

I’m not hiding from this anymore so maybe that will help. Perhaps awareness and a little time is all I need. I don’t know.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by evmdimples

I suspect that there are a LOT of people who have the internal struggle about male/female, consciously or unconsciously, but nobody talks about it and so some of us go around feeling different, weird, we don't quite fit and sometimes we don't even know why.

As a young teenager I used to sneak peaks at dad's playboys. I didn't "know" it wasnt' "normal" for a girl to feel those things with those types of pictures. Nobody talked about anything that related to sex. And definitely not about gays. Certainly no role models were available. The term bisexual had never been part of my conscious reality. The trans experience was based solely on cross-dressers who put on burlesque shows. (Like the priscilla queen of the desert movie.) It's much much later in life (5 years ago) that IT finally dawned on me. I look like a feminine woman on the outside but I feel a distinct energy on the inside, which I call "male", alongside the female energy. I've had a therapist debate this point with me, invalidating the "male" energy saying it was just a stronger part of me. I don't know, maybe it's just what I believe to be "male"... but it just feels... different than the female aspect. Hard to explain except to someone who might feel the same.

Bingo. I'm not exactly feminine, but it's quite obvious from outward appearences that I'm female...and there is this definite male aspect to my mind. It is different. I know I wrote this before, but sometimes the female part is dominant, sometimes the male part is dominant and sometimes I feel like I'm both at the same time.

Originally Posted by evmdimples

I started to wear my dad's clothes around 15. It felt right for me to wear dad's shirts and girl bottoms. To this day I dress like that: I generally wear boy pants and girl tops. (and makeup and I fuss about my hair.) It all feels like a good reflection of who I am. These days if pressed, the closest I am willing to define myself, label-wise is gay woman. I feel that's broad enough and covers the spectrum; I don't feel that the LBT fit me, but then what's left? Me. I'm attracted to strong, intelligent independent women. I used to think it was just of the soft butch type. I've been proven wrong. I also like men, I'm mostly attracted to the male mind, I feel comfortable speaking to men; I've been told I'm like one of the guys, but prettier.

Maybe one day, there will be sex education classes offered that cover all aspects of the rainbow, where these topics will be discussed openly, honestly and respectfully. Maybe then, a lot of us won't have to go through life feeling... slightly different, a bit isolated, unable to quite fit anywhere, sometimes without even knowing why. Maybe then, we won't have to resort to addictions to help us get through our life experience.

As far as where I'm at today, I agree with what Matt said: "One of the keys, imho, is trying to cultivate self-love or, at the very least, self-acceptance. By accepting myself to the best of my ability, my perceptions and desires are slowly shifting. And this isn't a conscious process." This has happened with my recovery process, which has opened me to begin to develop self-love.

Thanks to bam and all others for your honesty and willingness to step out of the comfort zone.

Thanks for the excellent post, evm. I do feel isolated and like I don't fit in...but I know I'm not the only one.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by evmdimples

Maybe one day, there will be sex education classes offered that cover all aspects of the rainbow, where these topics will be discussed openly, honestly and respectfully.

My sex education classes went like this: penis goes in woman hole.

[otterbearcat]

Im sure it is really hard to live in a place without a big 'gay' community.
But the feeling like your alone thing, answering what your sexual id is,isnt going to change that.
I know Im a dyke, Ive got a girlfriend (although we are about to break up) and I feel soo f*cking alone.
I know I could use some self love.

[otterbearcat]

crud!!
I accidently deleted about 8 lines of text before I posted that.

oh well...maybe it was better to keep it short.

But Bam, Im sorry you are having this dielmma.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by otterbearcat

Im sure it is really hard to live in a place without a big 'gay' community.
But the feeling like your alone thing, answering what your sexual id is,isnt going to change that.
I know Im a dyke, Ive got a girlfriend (although we are about to break up) and I feel soo f*cking alone.

I'm sorry, obc.

Originally Posted by otterbearcat

I know I could use some self love.

Uh...what kind of self love? I take care of business when I need to...or maybe you're not talking about that. j/k...sort of.

I am learning to love myself. It's a slow process...that's for sure. I just keep plowing through the days, do therapy, do SR and do my best to take care of myself. I know it's worth it to take care of myself. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be able to do this.

I'm coming up on 4 months sober soon...I can't believe I've made it this long. Things really do improve over time...and the meds certainly are a life saver. I think I'm on something that (finally) works well.

I know I feel alone much of the time...and I know I can't see you folks...only your words on a screen...but some of the best people I've met in my life are at SR. obc, you can PM me anytime. I know I'm not where you are...but I am here.

I don't feel so alone when I'm on SR...you don't have to either. Hang in there and keep your head up.

[ssq5509]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

My sex education classes went like this: penis goes in woman hole.

hahahaha......

[mattcake79]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

You knew I was going to ask...what's the process, then? How do I get there?

Okay, I'll try to describe it, if I can.

From a very early age, I felt lacking, like there was something intrinsically wrong with me. Being gay probably was a part of it, but these feelings of unworthiness were present in all areas of my life. A certain religion -the one I was born into and that starts with a "C"- did not help in the guilt department: it validated these feelings via the notion that I was -along with most, if not all, people- a sinful creature, and fundamentally flawed.

Patriarchy and chauvinism, coupled with society's relatively new overcompensation via extreme feminism, did not help matters either.

Boy, I had to take a 12 hour break from answering this, just to censor and restrain myself a bit, cos I'd gone into yet another angry tirade. Obviously, it's an open wound that still hurts.

I felt judged.
Always. Sometimes I still do. In fact, I'm the first one to judge myself - very viciously and ruthlessly. And, though I'm not paranoid, I'm not a fool either: homosexuality is the subject of much judging and discrimination.

Bam, I eventually had to tell them to leave me alone. My parents, my friends, religion, "society", and anyone else who had the gall to judge me for being true to myself. Oftentimes, I have to keep my inner judge in check - this hypocritical morality is still very much ingrained in me. But it has nothing to do with who I really am. I was miserable until I started accepting myself.

Don't feel "pretty good" about yourself because you're funny and take nice photographs, Bam, or because you could be worse off. Don't settle. Love yourself for who you really are; you ARE worthy. Anyone else who thinks otherwise can f*ck off.

[Bamboozle]

Wow, matt.....thanks. You are awesome!

A lot of what you wrote I can relate to...I judge myself much more than anyone else does...I'm my worst critic. I'm working on that. I'm learning (slowly) how to let it go.

Therapy went well today...my therapist said I should not put myself in a cubby hole...in other words, I should stop trying to pin a label on myself. Just be me.

I'm determined to get there.

[mattcake79]

Regarding the "inner critic" thing, I've found that consciously examining my self- demands/criticism is extremely helpful. Sometimes I write them down and just stare at them for a bit. More often than not, I'm left scratching my head, literally wondering "where the heck did THAT come from?!" lol. I can then discard them, or replace them with more realistic/helpful forms.

I'm most definitely not saying that I ignore all expectations, rules and demands, or that I twist them to fill my egotistic needs - as a former alcohol addict, I think that's a very dangerous game to play. I'm not a sociopath either But dogmatic, backward tenets have no place in my life. And, lately, I've discovered that allowing myself to expererience a healthy amount of directed anger is a good way to let go of that stuff; anger gives me the drive I need to modify my points of view.

Anyway, I'm glad you're making progress in therapy It's a long process, but it's doable, and worth the effort. Take it slowly, remind yourself that you are a loveable person, that you have a right to make mistakes, to modify them as you see fit, and that, chances are, you'll wind up developing a lot more compassion for those who are still struggling. Gratitude, giving of yourself, and harbouring compassion - along with a little anger ;-) - make a big difference