to come out or not at meetings, etc.?

[evmdimples]

Your ESH please. I'm a bit conflicted about this and maybe I'm just thinking too much. I talked about it with a friend last night and she insisted it was nobody's business and not to label myself. I don't like to box myself by a label either, however, I feel that part of my recovery is learning to be honest and open. There are people at my meeting who are showing an interest in being friends. I don't want to assume people I meet are going to be ok being friends with a gay woman. Especially since I was cut off by my best friend of 25 years shortly after coming out to her. Last night part of the conversation after the meeting was about dating and it was automatically assumed that I would date men. It felt awkward and I didn't know how to handle it, so I didn't really respond. I've been careful with my shares at meetings, not disclosing the gender of the person I was recently involved with.

I've also met another woman who might be a good connection for job networking (which I desperately need) as well as a nice friendship (which I also need). Am also conflicted about coming out to her. Not even sure how to bring it up. My current circumstances tell a different story: separated from husband, and no g/f at this time. When I had g/f, it was easy, I just included references about her in my conversations, etc. Thoughts? Ideas? Experience? Thanks!

[Chamabama]

I'm out in all my social situations and mostly in my business life. I don't usually go out of my way to come out, I just use the correct gender when I'm telling my stories. I understand completely about those situations when people assume you date men. If I'm on the fence, I ususally just say, "I don't date men." Some people get it right away, some people assume I'm just not dating at the moment.

For me, it's eaiser to be out because I don't have to wonder if people will have a problem with it and I don't have to worry that I'll lose a friend if/when they find out. It weeds out the haters.

On the other hand, I live in Los Angeles, it's probably more accepted here than in smaller cities. So I certainly understand that I'm risking less.

When I am in situations that I'm not out, I find it at times to be tedious. It's hard to always be on guard. It's exhausting to hide part of who I am for fear of rejection.

I wish you the best!

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

AA has been the one place where I've found it very easy to be open about my relationship with my partner. We often went to meetings together, and just recently I ran into someone who I haven't seen in a bit and he asked after her, which made me feel good.

Most people assumed we were together, which was just fine with me, and she has been/is a huge part of my recovery, so when I tell my story, she's in it.

I have never, not once, felt "judged" in the rooms of AA. I hope that you find that too..

[sct]

I think that ultimately, it's up to you. I choose to be out everywhere, but I also don't go around waving a flag. My version of 'out' is just not filtering who I am, if I mean to say 'my boyfriend' I say 'my boyfriend.' People in the rooms have mostly been pretty cool. The only times I've made it an explicit point to say "I'm gay" were when I first started working with my sponsor, and when I started working with a temporary sponsee, in case that did inform their decisions. It didn't, although my sponsee's response was pretty funny.

"You don't look gay!"

Sorry, let me get my flag...

[evmdimples]

thanks for the responses! I had the chance to attend a meeting this weekend where a (gay) woman shared about her "partner" with not one indication if partner was female or male. This is the bible belt, I guess it's wise to get a feel for the room before being too open. And even then, might be that people can tolerate only so much. Sad reality of life and one i've already been exposed to.

Meanwhile, I am realizing that it feels much better to me, when from the beginning of a friendship, I am natural about who I am without too much ado. As Chama. said, helps weed out the haters. Good lesson learned for future reference! agains, thanks for the kind responses.

[freya]

Here's my "take" on this....in the rooms or anywhere else: I am as open and honest about myself and my life as it is appropriate to the situation for anyone else to be.

Thus, if I'm in a situation in which it would be perfectly appropriate and acceptable for any straight person to talk about his/her life, relationships, feelings, partner, with X amount of detail and using the correct pronouns, then I do the same.

If you are talking about things that have nothing to do with your sexuality or your relationships (past, present or future), there is no need to bring that up just because you're gay.....but the opposite is also true: If you are involved in a conversation in which you cannot participate on the same level and in the same way as everyone else without saying something that indicates that you're gay, then you don't avoid saying it, nor do you "edit" it so as to keep your sexuality a secret. (...and please, please, please, never, ever refer to your partner as "they" or "them"! A partner is an individual and gets an individual pronoun of the correct gender. The only people who sanely and correctly refer to their partners as "they" are polygamists! Every time I see a closeted gay person do the "they" thing, I want to burst out laughing. Yeah, like it's soooooo much more acceptable to be a polygamist than a lesbian or gayman! Give me a friggin' break!)

I work a 12 Step program. I believe absolutely that how well my program works depends on my working it in the spirit described in Chapter 5 of Alcoholics Anonymous....and that, obviously, means rigorous honesty. I've said this before many, many times: I've been absolutely "out" in my program since the first time I spoke at a meeting....I think, for me, the kinds of issues that we all need to deal with in order to heal and to have strong, successful recoveries are such that, being "in hiding" about such a core and important aspect of my life would definitely be a huge roadblock to my progress and to my getting the kind of support I need on the level I need to get it in order to make that progress.

I am totally unwilling to compromise myself or my program in that way.

Another thing is, connections with program people need to be real because I need to be able to trust and rely on those people when I am in a really bad way and I want them to be able to trust and rely on me when they really need to, too. Keeping secrets isolates me and limits my ability to connect with others. It is also a sign of lack of trust on my part, and frankly, I insult not only individuals, but also their programs, when I refuse to trust them to be loving and tolerant and understanding enough to be able "handle" the fact that I'm gay. I mean, I don't know about you, but personally, I would be be pretty friggin' insulted to find out that someone had kept secrets from me because he or she feared I might act like an ignorant bigot. I just really don't want or need that kind of cr*p standing between me and other program people.

And finally we come to the whole self-centered fear thing. It is a fundamental principle of recovery that I must refuse to allow self-centered fear to run my life. I have yet to hear a "rationale" for closet-behavior that doesn't rely strongly on self-centered fear.

So, I guess the bottom line, for me, is that I pretty much don't see any way that a deliberate choice to be "in the closet" in any program context is helpful or healthy or compatible with strong recovery.

freya

....and, BTW, my partner and I are a very out, very obvious butch-femme couple. We go to meetings all over the place and have gone to many in very rural, conservative areas and never had a problem. In fact, we've had many really wonderful experiences.

[FightingIrish]

I usually think it best to let people handle their own information how they see fit.

[Cleansing]

In my experience with meetings, i have yet to meet a gay man, but i've met about 4 maybe 5 lesbians (i'm not sure about the 5th, i'm just guessing lol). It seems like it'll be less of a problem coming out as a gay woman, then coming out as a gay man.

I always wanted to come out when i was going to meetings, but i just couldn't do it. Im not sure why. these people have seen it all and done it all. It shouldn't be a big deal. But men do see you in different ways. woman are more accepting than males imo. I'm a memebr of forums.sohh.com, it's a hip hop music website and it has other types of forums too. I'm pretty open about my past experiences with men over there, and the responses have meet just nasty. Some people liek really hate me for being gay. but I like to be open over there, because it's anonymous, and no one knows me in real life.

The interesting part is that I've heard men share how they used to sell their bodies for drugs and money. Now I know there plenty of woman that pay for sex, but from the circles i've been in, I've seen men selling sex to other men for drugs/money. So When I hear a man share that he sold himself, I automatically think he's gay, or if not gay, he has had sex with men before. It could be presumptious on my part, but based on what i've seen, I have this inkling that these men selling themselves have some gay tendacies.

Oh yeah, another reason why I never came out was because me and my father used to go to meetings together, and Im not ready to come out to my parents yet. Also, my father knows a lot of NA peoples, so word would get out.

I don't trust that anonymity stuff.

[Stagebear]

I've been out in all aspects of my life. I never told my sponsor I was gay initially because the crap I was going though when we met had nothing to do with being gay. However, as I talked of my partner and identified his gender, it had to be clear.

As far as sharing in meetings, I generally focus on my alcohol (and yes, sometimes drug) abuse only. If I have any other life issues, I usually save them for the "meeting after the meeting". But I have referenced my partner by gender with no surprised gasps.

It's all love...

[utopia]

Luckily in my country it is legal to be gay. For me, recovery is being honest. It's also about being aware of what is my business and what works for me. For me, I don't make an issue of it because it's noone's business. I don't have to tell anyone that I'm straight. I don't have to point out that I'm a man who likes women so I don't have to point out that I'm a man who likes men.

Negative reactions belong to those who react. I've lost many people but then I have found ones who are authentic, not shame based, who accept me. And these are TRUE friends because I can be myself with them. We have a gay focus meeting in my town too under the section of "special focus groups"

Also, because I want to live in aworld where I feel free and comfortable in my own skin as I am, I can no longer pretend and hide who I am. Not that I have to advertise I act as if I'm not ashamed. I don't want to be accepted and loved by being who I am not. This is a lie. This causes guilt which fuels addiction and dysfunction. This will fall back on me. It doesn;t matter what people say. Your Higher Power loves you and so do I and this love is real, unconditional, no matter what.