that darn lonely feeling

[Snarfblak]

I am a lesbian 21 yr old with 4 months of sobriety. I have had a lot of transitions lately to deal with. A break up about 2-3 months ago and changing sponsors recently. My previous sponsor "let me go" about 3 weeks ago and I just got a new sponsor yesterday. Since my previous sponsor let me go I've had this nagging lonely feeling. Sometimes it isn't apparent, because I'm focused on other things, but I'm pretty sure it's always there. I desperately want a girlfriend. I don't want to end up with a hostage though. I know that I should probably wait until I get more grounded with my new sponsor and start back up on working my program, but I'm afraid if the oppurtunity presents itself (which I have taken steps to try to make sure it will) I will end up dating. I'm very conflicted about this. I will surely pray on it and any advice would be helpful (probably more helpful if I actually take it)...

[mattcake79]

I can relate, on some level. I don't do the steps, but I know that the fellowships recommend waiting for a year etc, but... know what? There's always *something*. At least in my experience, and to be honest with myself and others, I admit that I have repeatedly passed on perfectly good opportunities to establish what could have been nice relationships; there was always an excuse: first I drank too much, then I was too sober, later I had "issues" to work on, blah blah blah.

Nobody is perfect. And, by all means, if you don't feel ready to date, then don't. But... I can't help wondering why the idea of loving another person seems so frightening, at least to me. I'm being blunt, and I'm probably hijacking your thread by putting my own musings out there. Just do whatever feels right when and if the situation presents itself

[freya]

Originally Posted by Snarfblak

I don't want to end up with a hostage though. I know that I should probably wait until I get more grounded with my new sponsor and start back up on working my program, but I'm afraid if the oppurtunity presents itself (which I have taken steps to try to make sure it will) I will end up dating.

Keeping in mind that the 12 Steps constitute a program of "rigorous honesty," let's just look at the way you wrote this. You are deliberately taking steps to get yourself in a dating situation, even though you know that this is not what you should be doing....and then you say that you are "afraid" that "if the opportunity presents itself," (just like magic, of course, not because you've orchestrated things so that that's exactly what's likely to happen!), you will "end up" dating - just like that, just "end up dating," because, of course, if the opportunity (said opportunity having been carefully manipulated by you) arises, you have no choice but to take advantage of it, right?

Wrong.

You have choices...and it appears that, not only are you not making safe, healthy ones, but you working pretty hard to set everything up so that you can justify and rationalize your unsafe, unhealthy ones -- so that when what you're orchestrating actually happens, you can see yourself as a "victim of circumstances." Nope -- if it happens it will be because you have chosen it and contrived to make it happen, despite knowing that it is dangerous for you, your sobriety and for whomever foolishly falls into your trap.

Not for nuthin', but that, to me, doesn't sound like anything close to rigorous honesty -- and it sounds even less like a great basis for a relationship. Actually, what it sounds like is the very promising start of a hostage situation.

Originally Posted by Snarfblak

any advice would be helpful (probably more helpful if I actually take it)...

What was your new sponsors advice???? You have discussed this with her, right? If you have, then maybe you need to start with taking her advice....after all, I'm assuming you asked her to be your sponsor for a reason...And, on the off chance that you haven't, well, that would be one more strong indication that you are playing games with yourself and your sobriety here....and I'm very afraid that those are games that you are highly unlikely to win.

Really
Excellent
Love
Affair
Turns
Into
Outrageous
Nightmare
Sobriety
Hangs
In
Peril
(Mickey B., Santa Monica, CA.)

freya

...and BTW, my guess is that that lonely feeling is your HP trying to get your attention, and if you really want to take care care of that feeling in the most effective, most satisfying, most permanent way, I strongly suggest that you give it to Him/Her/It and let Him/Her/It figure out how all the rest of this is going to work out for you and when.

[Bamboozle]

Hello, Snarf.


I'm so lonely right now...there's no one in my area...and being lonely was one of the reasons I drank so much. If the opportunity comes around for me, I'll gladly take it. I feel so hollow inside...and like I haven't been living.


That's what I'd do...but I don't know what's right for you. I hope you feel better soon, whatever you decide to do.

[Snarfblak]

I really appreciate what you've said Freya. I have thought about bringing it up to my sponsor, but I only met her recently. I am meeting with her later today and I will try to muster up the courage to talk to her about it. I have been praying about my feelings of lonliness. I will continue to pray about it and hopefully God will help me with the courage to do what is right. Though I may still end up in a risky situation, I will try to proceed with caution and keep my sponsor informed. Who knows, maybe God will give me the will to say no (to the situations I'm sure I've orchestrated to arise). I know that spirituality can help me, because I felt great when I was working with my previous sponsor. I just need to make it through these hard times and keep comin back. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I really think I needed to hear it.

[freya]

snarfblak:

Listen, you sound like you are really struggling to do the right thing here -- and by that I mean the thing that is going to be best for your sobriety and, therefore, for you and aynone who cares about you long-term. I really hope that you will be absolutely honest with your sponsor -- if it makes it easier for you, you could even just print out what you wrote in your OP and hand it to her.

I totally understand that no one likes/wants to feel lonely -- but I also know that, ultimately, filling up that loneliness with person is not much different than filling it up with a drink or drug. It's kind of ironic, but the truth is that we really are not fit to be in relationship with others until we are at the point where we are don't need another in order to feel good about ourselves.

Keep close to your HP, your sponsor, and your program friends with good sobriety, and you will find the strength to do what's best for you in the long-run.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

freya

[freya]

So, how'd the meeting with your sponsor go??????....inquiring minds want to know!

freya

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by freya

I totally understand that no one likes/wants to feel lonely -- but I also know that, ultimately, filling up that loneliness with person is not much different than filling it up with a drink or drug. It's kind of ironic, but the truth is that we really are not fit to be in relationship with others until we are at the point where we are don't need another in order to feel good about ourselves.

I've never been in a relationship. It's the one thing completely missing from my life and it's so important to good mental health. We are social beings, after all.

I know the pain of being alone. It's no way to live. And life is short. I hope I find someone soon.


Hope you're doing well, Snarf. Take it easy.

[freya]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

I've never been in a relationship. It's the one thing completely missing from my life and it's so important to good mental health. We are social beings, after all.

I know the pain of being alone. It's no way to live. And life is short. I hope I find someone soon.

Just because we are social beings, it does not necessarily follow that we are automatically capable of "socializing" -- especially in an intimate, long-term context -- in a way that is healthy and/or safe for ourselves and others. Good mental health is an inside job. Nothing outside of oneself -- be it a drink/drug, a person, a job, a winning multi-million dollar lottery ticket, a home featured on the cover of Architectual Digest, or even all-of-the-above together -- will "make it happen." On the other hand, if one takes responsibility for and takes care of one's own mental health, the lack -- or even the loss -- of any or all of those things, will not fundamentally threaten it.

And I know that, for myself, neither my mental health nor my self-worth is determined by whether or not I am "in a relationship." In fact, I'd have to say that the absolutely worst "mental health" period in my life occurred while I was in a relationship, and I know plenty of people whose mental health is -- by all obvious indications -- excellent and who are neither in nor looking for relationships of the romantic/"significant other" variety.

In fact, in the past, on the few occasions that I have started to date someone, who, it soon became clear, somehow seemed to believe that he/she needed me (or, at least "a significant other") to make him/herself and/or his/her own life complete in any way, these individuals have behaved in ways that have been extremely isolating, suffocating, manipulative, and controlling. And, since I personally have no desire to become a hostage, those relationships did not last long.

Also, from what I've seen, deep neediness is most often not at all attractive to healthy, self-aware, confident others...So, very often, people who get involved and stay involved out of a place of neediness end up in situations where they are not treated well and that just reinforces their self-doubt and insecurity.....So it's a vicious, downward spiral....and that's just dangerous and no good for anyone's mental health.

It's also fundamentally co-dependent. Whereas a healthy relationship that is truly a partnership between two relatively healthy individuals, each committed to and taking responsibility for her/his own personal growth, fulfillment and happiness is inter-dependent.

freya

[Bamboozle]

I don't need to cling to someone...I need physical contact. I'd settle for something light and breezy. If I stay alone, I do not want to live anymore. It won't be worth it for me. Everything else I do in life is a sorry substitute. I deserve to love and be loved.

[Jack2000]

I think Freya is right on and giving you some great advice. Good job Freya!! Also, I think that emotionally there are reasons for most everything. I have found this through my own trial and error with my sobriety...going on 8 months. I think you must ask yourself why you are so lonely. Are you one of those people that NEED to have a significant other ALL the time? If so, why? I have plenty of friends that go through relationships like water. I am not one of them and I am a gay man...imagine that. I have my own issues though...giggle. Also, do you feel like a "complete" person when you are on your own? If not, why? Do you need a relationship to feel complete? I guess my point is that you should start questioning yourself about decisions that we make and why we make them. Deal with these issues head on and I guarentee your relationships will be 100% more fulfilling. Start questioning your loniliness and why it is you are so lonely. I feel lonely sometimes too don't get me wrong but it isn't something that I concentrate on or make me run into a relationship. Also, just something to think about...sometimes depression can ranslate into lonliness...i have had some experience with that as well. Well I hoped I helped and good luck to you!

[Bamboozle]

I have depression and social anxiety and general anxiety. These things will never go away...they can only be managed.

If people didn't need relationships they wouldn't have them at all. I've been missing out on life my entire life. I want to live. I want to experience things that I haven't. I know what the most important thing in life is--relationships. People need them to be healthy.

It's been a real struggle...I don't have the level of confidence that most people are born with. It is the way my brain is wired. I have accepted that.

I am in therapy now. I am taking baby steps to *hopefully* improve. I wish there were more people who understand me here, but people like me tend to stay quiet about these things. I'm reaching out to anyone who understands where I'm coming from. Anyone who's been there feel free to PM me any time.

[freya]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

I don't need to cling to someone...I need physical contact. I'd settle for something light and breezy. If I stay alone, I do not want to live anymore. It won't be worth it for me. Everything else I do in life is a sorry substitute. I deserve to love and be loved.

Bam: Why don't you start with what you have control over: You deserve to love yourself. Someone who loves herself does not, on any kind of real and regular basis, write or say or think or feel: "If I stay alone, I do not want to live anymore." If that is the place you are coming from, then you are basically relying on "another" to save your life -- to be responsible for your life. That is a burden that no sane, healthy person would consciously take on.

You said earlier that you have never been in a relationship -- so how can you possibly know that "everything else" you do is a "sorry substitute?" Either you have no friggin' idea how very dangerously and torturously "sorry" an unhealthy relationship can be and/or you are doing the other things you are doing for very wrong reasons. You are pinning your hopes for happiness, indeed for life itself, on someone you haven't even met yet!

You say that you are in therapy...do you tell your therapist that you want to die if you can't find a "relationship" (of even the light, breezy type) soon? I'm assuming you like and trust her/him, so, if you don't like what people are saying here, why don't you try that and see how she/he responds?

freya

[Bamboozle]

Sorry, I completely hijacked this thread...so I'm starting my own.