I haven't been with a man in about a year

[Cleansing]

And it seems like everytime I was with men, I was doing the harder drugs that I didin't even like. Crystal meth, crack.

I sometimes wonder if it's the drugs that attract me to men, or if I'm just gay. I don't even find any attraction in females lately, Im always thinking about men. But it seems like the only way to get with men, like as in a sure thing, is to go out there and do what they do, which is crack or crystal meth.

Ive tried to internet, but it's too much back and forth talking, and thenu have o meet up for a date, TEHEN MAYBE, there is the sex.

And if i went on the sex sites, then the sexwas a sure thing, but I always had to be drunk to have sex, that's with both men and woman. Maybe my problem doesn't have to deal with men per se. Maybe I'm just an addict who needs some healing.

Im on Day 7 now, and Im feeling a little better.

[Eroica]

Congrts on Day 7!!!

I'm sorry you feel that way about gay men. While there are plenty of gay addicts, you can find a meth addict of any orientation anywhere pretty easily. Gay people don't have a monopoly on the drug. I encourage you to meet gay men in more wholesome settings to find dates. Are there any gay organizations in your area? Keep trying those dating services. Eventually you'll be able to initiate intimacy without booze.

[Cleansing]

Originally Posted by Eroica

Congrts on Day 7!!!

I'm sorry you feel that way about gay men. While there are plenty of gay addicts, you can find a meth addict of any orientation anywhere pretty easily. Gay people don't have a monopoly on the drug. I encourage you to meet gay men in more wholesome settings to find dates. Are there any gay organizations in your area? Keep trying those dating services. Eventually you'll be able to initiate intimacy without booze.

I'm not sure where to go. I might need to find an organization. im in the closet though. From what I know, all these centers and club houses are for teens or young adults. Im only 23, so I might fit in somewhere.

I don't view all gay men as drug addicts, but since Im an addict myself, i found myself hanging with those type of men. And it was the easiest sex ever. late night, crack, horny men. No strings attached. I was sort of sloppy addict.

[jhay]

Congrats on 7 days! I know what you mean about the sex. To me it's just like dancing - I can't remember the last time I did either sober really. It has to do with the disease, not sexuality.

I'm on day 42 & feeling lonely myself, but Eroica's suggestion about joining organizations is a really good idea. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself and keep you and your recovery your top priority, especially this early on. Someone at a meeting said something along the lines of I can't have/take care of a we if I don't take care of me. I wish I remembered exactly what it was...

[jhvw2000]

I had a down period in my life before I quit using that sounds pretty similar. Drugs, sleeping around alot, not even knowing names, wondering why I was even doing these things, etc. Anyway, when I quit using at first I wanted to seek out sexual gratification as a normal means of pleasure, but knew it was for the wrong reasons. My views of sex and relationships changed and I had a very long dry spell that did suck, but it was great learning experience. You're still getting used to being sober again, and sometimes parts of you might change. It's not bad, and for me it turned out to be better. I find relationships and other sexual type things much more meaningful and not so empty and desperate...if any of that makes sense... Just throwing in my 2 cents.

[sct]

See if you feel the same way in a year... which is the general suggestion to wait before getting involved with someone when you're new in recovery. Focus on yourself, staying clean, and working your program before you worry about hooking up. Back and forth talking is most of what interacting with people is, so you might as well get used to it.

Maybe I'm just an addict who needs some healing.

Ding ding ding!

[Cleansing]

Yeah, i'm gonna wait some time. been talking to mattcake, and I need some work on my self esteem. There are thigns i shouldn't be worried about, but I am. I'm not a heavy person (5' 9" 173 pounds), but I have a gut. I wish the gut was gone, so i could look better, thus feel better. I'm also breaking out with acne because of some of the meds i take and the stress Im under.
These aren't serious things, but i want to work on them before i start approaching men, even though i'm sure I can find a man who'll like me the way I am. If i must say, i look good. lol

The real reason i'm staying single for now goes back to what i mentioned in my first post. I want to change my behaviors. I'm not really missing the relationship part of being with a man, I just want sex. And that's probably because im still a recovering addict, i want to instant gratification without all the other intimate moments or communication.

I told myself that if I got sober, I would stop having sex outside of a relationships. It just reminds me too much of addict behavior to be having sexz with random guys, even if i'm sober. And knowing me and the guys i meet, i'll end up relapsing. So i'm celibate now i guess.


I mean, I'm 23 years old, and still in the closet. I have plenty of time to be in a relationship. I'm just gonna focus on my sobriety for now because i almost lost it last night when I was looking at my bottle of Valium, and wanted to take like ten of them. Instead I took extra lithium and geodon to help me sleep. So I still did wrong, but I didn't get high or buzzed. But im beginning the wrong behavior again, so it's important to focus on my sobriety for now because I feel like i'm losing it. I just don't feel happy sober. but if my memory serves me correct, I wasn't happy drunk/high. I'm 47 days clean today.

[sct]

The skin thing- also usually comes with really early recovery. Your body is still detoxing, and getting rid of all kinds of chemicals, but that gets better. The nice thing about being clean, is that when you sleep- rather than pass out- and aren't putting your body through as much hell, there's more energy for stuff like working out. Sweating and drinking a lot of water will also help you get rid of toxins, and endorphins are a cheap, legal, and recovery-enhancing high

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by sct

The skin thing- also usually comes with really early recovery. Your body is still detoxing, and getting rid of all kinds of chemicals, but that gets better. The nice thing about being clean, is that when you sleep- rather than pass out- and aren't putting your body through as much hell, there's more energy for stuff like working out. Sweating and drinking a lot of water will also help you get rid of toxins, and endorphins are a cheap, legal, and recovery-enhancing high

Cleansing,

Be mindful to wash your face or take a shower after working out or sweating profusely because I know when I don't I break out on my face. I'd also recommend asking your doctor for a prescription of Retinol/Retina cream that's used for wrinkles, but also helps wonderfully with acne. If that or other medications don't work, see a dermatologist about getting Accutane. But you'll have to not pick at your face.

You seem to have a great attitude and know the direction you want to go in. Congratulations. Keep going in that vain and focus on building yourself up before finding someone to be with.

Good luck,

Clay

[Cleansing]

I thought I lost him, he came back for a day, now he's gone again.

And I'm sort of happy. Especially since I never really had him.


I'm in this drug recovery program, and there is this guy there -- let's call him Luis. I'm only 24, but im attracted to older men. Luis was this 40 something year old, light skinned Puerto Rican. Well groomed, well dressed, very fashionable, in decent shape guy with a nice penis (I'll explain that later). Nothing about him was gay though. i think I even heard him make a homphobic comment once. but i didn't care. I LOVED him. I would fantasize about us being in bed together. I remembered during the spirituality group, we talked about his penis for like 40 minutes. hahah. Any normal therapist/mediator would have steered the convo towards the topic, but this therapist was in my opinion a closet homo and was enjoying the penis talk just as much as I was. But I tell you, ever since that group about his penis, I became more attracted to him. And he's so elusive, quiet but smart. Maybe that's what attracted me to him so much, i didn't know much about him. Speaks great english, but with a thick spanish accent. Even sexier to me.
Basically he stopped coming to the program about 4 months ago, So he was out of my life. It didn't mean shyt to me, because at the time i had relapsed and all i cared about was my next high. I didn't even notice dude was gone. No more interactions with him.
But then he came back on monday and said he would be in group the following day. And all these feelings came back. I wanted to jump right on him the second I heard him speak. But at the same time, it was a bad feeling. i felt terrible because when I first came to the program although I was sober, I was highly overmedicated. i used to walk very slow, speak very slow, have a glazed look in my eye, drool, shake, not be able to sit in one place for more than 20 minutes. I was a mess, and everyone at that program felt sorry for me. they said i looked like I was still in the psych ward all fukked up and shyt.
So when he came to group on tuesday, I was determined to prove that I am well. I'm about 60 days clean and sober, I'm no longer on heavy meds, I'm lively, intelligent, talkative, and insightful. But I feel like i was just acting like an a$$ that day. I was def. speaking out my a$$. Just talking as much as possible trying to make it seem like i knew everything about drugs and recovery. some of the stuff i said made sense, but it was a bit much. I was real loose with my words. Even made fun of some of the other clients to show my funny side.
I was not focused on my recovery that day. I was worried about Luis focusing on me. And this is all a ridiculous game i'm palying with myself. creating some kind of world where we'll be together, when I KNOW he's straight. We will never be together, so why get these feelings when I see him? Why compromise my sobriety by losing focus?
I just have a thing for older, straight guys. and I really got to get over that because it's depressing knowing you want something but can never have it.
so he was out of there as soon as the group finished. He wasn't trying to talk to nobody, but I chased after him, and got a lil bit out of him. He said he was never coming back, that he's been in the program for two years and doesn't feel like he needs it anymore.
So in a way i'm glad. He's doing well, and i don't have to worry about his presence anymore. But I really need to find somebody. i don't think I can do this one year of sobriety without a relationship deal. I'm afraid the need for sex is gonna lead me back to the drugs and one night stands.

[Cleansing]

But at the same time, it feels good to fantasize. Like last night I couldn't sleep, was feeling down and my heart was racing out of control. I just imagine me and Luis kissing, and I was able to sleep no problem.

[freya]

Cleansing:

That's quite a brave and honest post (but I will warn you that you have to be very careful on thia site about geting too specifc when it comes to anything about sex -- including body parts! -- so don't take it personally if something you write gets edited or even deleted.))

Anyways, my youngest son (21 and gay) is also attracted to older guys -- not straight guys, though, thank god!!! I think that that is actually kinda common among gay men....At least, I found it to be pretty common when I was running the dating service for a few years....but, since a lot of older guys are also attracted to younger guys, I guess it all works out.

But the "straight guy" thing is kinda dangerous and self-defeating (not to mention frustrating as h*ll, I imagine!), you're right about that. Although, at the same time, there is a certain kind of perverse, self-torturing "safety" in fantasizing about things one d*mn well knows one is never going to have! But, of course, there are better and much more healthy ways to "be safe" and to take care of oneself.

You seem like you are working really hard at understanding yourself and the things you do and why....even when it's uncomfortable. And that's the first step (Awareness) in becoming able to recognize and "change the things you can." Awareness, Acceptance, Action.

.....and, all in all, it's probably better for you to be fantasizing about a guy than about a drug or a drink, right?

Thanks for posting -- freya