I'd like to trade my personality in for an updated model, please...

[Bamboozle]

This is hard for me to put out here…so be nice.

Originally Posted by mattcake79

...I decided that I was unwilling to let myself down just because a bunch of boorish knuckleheads don't like the fact that I'm gay. On occasion, I've been forced to tell this to people in no uncertain terms. I simply refuse to apologize.

Matt, I really wish I had your resolve, confidence, and self-esteem. I’m only out to a handful of people and where I’m living at I’m totally in a shell.

I wish I could simply just be me. To tell the truth, I’m not really sure who I am. It’s not the being gay part that’s holding me back. It’s me.

I’ve never been confident in anything that I do. ANYTHING. I get fear that paralyzes me at times. I get afraid to make friends. I get afraid to find a new job. Sometimes I just don’t want to go out in public because I don’t want to be seen by PEOPLE. That’s one reason I’m on SR so much. It’s easy to hide…

It’s taken much personal effort to try to become more assertive. I put forth this illusion that I’m a confident person. I’m not. Not even close. I’m passive, emotional, and sensitive (…hard for me to see that about myself. It hurts.).

I’m always afraid of what people might think of me. This isn’t limited to how people might think of me being gay. This runs the gamut from “beauty” to “intelligence.” As much my logical side realizes how ridiculous I’m being, it is not strong enough to override the overwhelming sense of fear.

I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of being afraid all of the time. I’m tired of the fact that I have no one to talk to. And I’m tired of being alone.

Anytime I mention my insecurities about being gay in society to gay people (not at SR), sometimes they put up their defenses and seemingly take offense to my own personal experiences. When I talk about my concerns, can’t people just listen and NOT use it as an excuse to twist it into something that reflects upon themselves? What I want to say to them is that this isn’t about them. This is about me. I am the one who needs help. They are already at a magical place (even if they can’t see it). They are confident people.

I see so many doing want they want. They plow ahead and don’t fear rejection or failure. I want to be like them. I so desperately want to be like them. Something about my mental wiring is preventing me from doing this and instead is causing me to be…well…me (oh yeah, and a raging acne problem that won’t go away doesn’t help, either…).

This has been going on for all of my life…far too long for me. Any much longer and I’m afraid I’ll drink myself to death. I want the confidence I so definitely deserve. I’ve always felt like I’m standing alone in a vast field far removed from everyone. I don’t fit in with ANY group. Sometimes I find solace in that, but usually it leaves me depressed. Maybe I need to be on meds.

Anyone out there who had low self esteem, practically zero confidence, was constantly afraid of what people thought, and yet somehow found a way to overcome all of that crap and live an “out loud and proud” fulfilling life? I know…pretty tall order. Sorry this is so long. Please be gentle. I’m very fragile.

[nandm]

We are a lot alike. Thanks for the post

[Midas]

Originally Posted by BB 9th Step Promises, 1st ed. Ch. 6

We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace...Fear of people and of economic situations will leave us.

I'm still pretty timid myself, when it comes to dating and dealing with either sex.

[GoldenGutters]

Bamboozle, you just told my story up until about ten years ago. It took me three years in AA just just to acknowledge other gay men...they absolutely terrified me! I felt exposed, like those horrible dreams where you're back in school and you've somehow lost your pants. It took me another year before I could walk into a gym and not feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. The truth is you just have to walk out the door and face your fears one at a time. Yeah, it FAR easier said than done, but YOU built your prison, and you've got to be the one to take it down.

[mattcake79]

Bamb, I'm sorry it took me a while to answer your post.

I can definitely relate.

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

Anyone out there who had low self esteem, practically zero confidence, was constantly afraid of what people thought, and yet somehow found a way to overcome all of that crap and live an “out loud and proud” fulfilling life?

Yes, I used to be that way. Filled with fear and guilt, with almost no self-esteem. It took me years of therapy, introspection and hard work to overcome it - and I still managed to develop an alcohol problem on the side.

The only thing that has helped me is to realize that I love who I am. Most of my fears stemmed from the "outside": people, institutions, even the media brought me down. Well, it took a LOT of determination and ruthlessness to finally yell "to hell with you!!", but it was worth it. And yes, I meant it. Like you, I consider myself a compassionate, sensitive person, but there is only so much bull a person can take - it's a matter of self preservation, pure and simple. These days, I gladly take constructive criticism from people I respect. Those who are close to me know that I'm easygoing and loving, and that I make a point of *never* hurting anyone intentionally. However, anyone who steps on my toes for the heck of it will get the finger - and that's when I'm in a good mood -.-

Maybe my feelings of sadness and rejection turned into drive. These days, I'm discovering my anger as well, and I'm trying to deal with it constructively. But, ultimately, nobody is going to liberate you from fear - you are the only person who can do that for himself. And it's not about an ego trip, either:

Loving yourself is NOT the same thing as being an egotist.

It's about appreciating all the good in you. Accepting your shortcomings and being willing to work on them. Realizing that you are no better or no worse than anyone. Acknowledging your rights, including your right to happiness, security and self-worth. Your right to both give and receive love. And, above all, I think it's about being true to yourself.

Look at yourself honestly, with *your* own eyes, and accept who you are. You CAN change whatever aspects of yourself that you don't like. But do so because YOU don't like them, not because you're told to by whomever. Wallowing in pity will take you nowhere, so stand up for yourself and who you are. Help yourSelf. That's not being arrogant, it's being a person for yourself. I don't think you should apologize for that.

[Eleison]

Although I don't have a clue at all about my sexuality [long story...] I can relate very much to the feelings you describe here. Thank you for writing so articulately and eloquently.
Being comfortable with who you are in the face of rejection of any kind isn't easy - but I like to believe that at the end of it your sense of self is stronger than had you not had to fight for your right to be.

[GoldenGutters]

Another thing I finally figured out...especially going to the gym...is that 99% of people out there (ourselves included) are so self-involved that the rest of us simply don't exist. AND any actual derision you do get from people is NOT a reflection of who you are, it's a big ugly window into who they are and their massive insecurities that they project onto anyone within reach.

[Bamboozle]

Thank you for the responses, everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about myself and my addiction problems. I hope I get everything taken care of before it's too late. Alcohol (and even food at times) is a huge crutch for me. If that's gone, what protection do I have left when it comes to society and family? I'm sorry, I usually don't whine about that and I know I'm not being rational right now, but that's how my mind thinks. Anyways…

Originally Posted by GoldenGutters

AND any actual derision you do get from people is NOT a reflection of who you are, it's a big ugly window into who they are and their massive insecurities that they project onto anyone within reach.

I'm lucky that I do know that. I do not hate myself or resent who I am as a whole.

It did take me a while to acknowledge that I'm gay (honestly, I think I knew when I was about 5 or 6 years old). What stops me cold is that I have a very tangible fear of people who may judge or cause me harm physically or mentally. I'm not afraid of myself or who I am--I'm afraid of people and how they treat me and others around me.

I see what happens to those who are different. I work in a place where ignorance and non-pc jokes reign supreme. Every day there is a customer who comes to the store and gets made fun of or talked about only because this person identifies as being a woman (and the employees identify her as being a man). I’m usually not a confrontational person and I can take some crap, but this is getting old. I know I can’t change people (I don’t want to control anyone anyways), but sometimes it really gets on my nerves having to listen to this stuff. People sap all of my energy. Some tell me “don’t let people bother you”, but I honestly don’t know how to do that.

I also understand that it is easier for gays today in several ways because of what many did in the decades before I even existed. So many lived their lives (and sometimes died) so we could have it better. I feel incredibly guilty for hiding. These people sacrificed and all I can do is whine, cry, and barricade myself from the rest of society. Shame on me. I’m hoping to change this soon.