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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Hello
Hello Everyone!
This is my first post. I found this forum after Googling "guilt over divorcing alcoholic husband".
My divorce was final this past May. I'm in my own place after having rented a room in someone else's house for eight months. I'm still getting used to just being "me" (no kiddos, siblings or parents).
My story begins ten years ago when I started dating my EXAH. I hadn't been exposed to the world of alcoholism before and didn't see or realize the signs of addiction right away. He was a high functioning alcoholic for most of the decade we were together. We would have so much fun together when he wasn't drinking!! So much so that we were married.
Fast forward to three years ago when He started smoking pot on top of the drinking. I decided to go to counseling which was a wonderful experience for me. I became a physically healthy person and emotionally more attune to sticking up for myself.
I'm 52 now and just couldn't see myself with a person who, by this time, was just hanging out on the couch not wanting to do much of anything. I wanted to experience life to the fullest and not cry every morning when I was alone.
So I left. Then his drinking became so out of control that our neighbors found him in the living room near death. He lost his job as well. This was all "my fault" of course. In the short months that followed he was in rehab four times.
He has now been sober almost 120 days. I'm very happy for him and cautiously optimistic. He has a new job and is moving from his sober living home to a house he is having built. He has a new girlfriend (because he needs companionship to help him stay sober - according to him).
He wants to remain friends but texts me on "bad" days things like "I wish you would have been there for me when I needed you the most" or "I just don't understand what I did to make you leave".
Now that I'm out of the marriage and on my own, I sometimes think things like: Was it really that bad? Was I blowing things out of proportion? Was I selfish for leaving? I did go to a few Alanon meetings and have read literature on the subject. My situation was mild comparison to others (no physical violence or DUIs) I also read that a lot of spouses stay with their alcoholic husbands/wives. I certainly wouldn't have left if he had cancer.
I know in my mind that it had to have been THAT bad for me to leave. So why am I doing this to myself?!
Please don't think that I'm trying to play the victim. I understand that I played a part. I truly am looking for answers and if I am given advice that I need to hear - not necessarily something I want to hear - I will give it serious thought.
Okay that was lengthy abbreviated version of my situation. Thanks for letting babble a bit.
This is my first post. I found this forum after Googling "guilt over divorcing alcoholic husband".
My divorce was final this past May. I'm in my own place after having rented a room in someone else's house for eight months. I'm still getting used to just being "me" (no kiddos, siblings or parents).
My story begins ten years ago when I started dating my EXAH. I hadn't been exposed to the world of alcoholism before and didn't see or realize the signs of addiction right away. He was a high functioning alcoholic for most of the decade we were together. We would have so much fun together when he wasn't drinking!! So much so that we were married.
Fast forward to three years ago when He started smoking pot on top of the drinking. I decided to go to counseling which was a wonderful experience for me. I became a physically healthy person and emotionally more attune to sticking up for myself.
I'm 52 now and just couldn't see myself with a person who, by this time, was just hanging out on the couch not wanting to do much of anything. I wanted to experience life to the fullest and not cry every morning when I was alone.
So I left. Then his drinking became so out of control that our neighbors found him in the living room near death. He lost his job as well. This was all "my fault" of course. In the short months that followed he was in rehab four times.
He has now been sober almost 120 days. I'm very happy for him and cautiously optimistic. He has a new job and is moving from his sober living home to a house he is having built. He has a new girlfriend (because he needs companionship to help him stay sober - according to him).
He wants to remain friends but texts me on "bad" days things like "I wish you would have been there for me when I needed you the most" or "I just don't understand what I did to make you leave".
Now that I'm out of the marriage and on my own, I sometimes think things like: Was it really that bad? Was I blowing things out of proportion? Was I selfish for leaving? I did go to a few Alanon meetings and have read literature on the subject. My situation was mild comparison to others (no physical violence or DUIs) I also read that a lot of spouses stay with their alcoholic husbands/wives. I certainly wouldn't have left if he had cancer.
I know in my mind that it had to have been THAT bad for me to leave. So why am I doing this to myself?!
Please don't think that I'm trying to play the victim. I understand that I played a part. I truly am looking for answers and if I am given advice that I need to hear - not necessarily something I want to hear - I will give it serious thought.
Okay that was lengthy abbreviated version of my situation. Thanks for letting babble a bit.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
It sounds like he is doing well at the moment - why are you torturing yourself ? I'm not sure what "answers" you are looking for, but (a) you didn't cause his drinking; (b) you couldn't control his drinking; (c) you couldn't cure his drinking.....see ? You really aren't part of the equation when it comes to him and his substance abuse. You suffered from the results of it, but you were not part of that relationship as far as responsibility for him goes.
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