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Old 08-12-2017, 04:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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What's a lie and what's the truth?


For those of you who have read my story and know a bit about my situation, I want to thank you. But there is more to the cluster-f of my life, obviously. I wanted to post this here today because I feel very lost.

I lost everything when my AH's PTSD and addiction became so bad that we could no longer pay rent. We ended up renting a room from one of my parents' houses. Even that was difficult to sustain. He got evicted the night he had a violent, psychotic attack (he was addicted to synthetic cannabis) and the neighbors called the police. He became homeless for a time. We became (and still are) separated. I have heard that he blames my family and me for everything (he denies the seriousness of his drug use, and the violence, and says it was all PTSD and we were cruel for evicting him), but he has left many, many voicemails on my phone. When my sister heard of his violent, psychotic attack, she helped fill out some forms for a restraining order and she also got me to hand over my phone. I had not heard all of his messages, only three, and he had sounded contrite. She said that she would record them. She recorded four or five messages... there were at least 20 messages.

My sister has previously said, "I love you, but I don't like you." We have a long history of animosity between us for very complicated reasons. She usually does not call me unless she's just become single and is desperately lonely. She ignored my letters for four years once and I have no idea why except that she felt that she's always lived in my shadow. She's spread rumors about me too -- she has a corporate job, I don't (and I took time off to care for my AH), and she secretly told everyone I know that I'm a charity case.

And now I feel very isolated and I will never know what my AH said in those messages that were erased. I will not know if he's decided to commit to rehabilitation program. I will not know anything.

I do know that before he left, his eyes looked crazy, like there was no one home. He had that crazy-eyed expression for a week and a half after his seizure from overdose. I wonder if he was permanently brain-damaged. I should have taken him to the emergency room but even trying to get him to a GP resulted in him having a tantrum and there was no way that I could have forcibly put him into a car to take him anywhere. I wish I could have contacted his friends. I have so many regrets.

To be frank, I don't know who to trust anymore. I feel that it's wrong if my sister erased the messages on purpose, because I had a right to know what he said. Despite everything, I still love AH. It's not as if he deserves it. It's not as if we could ever go backwards and pretend that none of this ever happened, I know that. But for some reason, I still love AH. I wish I were angry at him instead.

Please help me clear the fog in my brain.

The other thing is we have a pet and I'm afraid he will try to claim a right to it. Financially, I paid for 90% of the pet care. Every time I got him to chip in for anything, it was always such a big deal because it meant less money for his drugs. But I do not have proof that I paid for everything because I changed my bank accounts when he left as I was afraid he would try to take my money (he knew my account details).

Last edited by OpheliaKatz; 08-12-2017 at 04:24 AM. Reason: pet stuff
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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i think you might be kind of grasping at straws, OK, thinking there just might have been some magical combinations of words in a VM that would somehow make it all ok. i understand there was conflict with your sister (doesn't that happen with most siblings? i wouldn't know as i'm an only child...) but she was there when you needed a strong presence to intervene on your behalf.

you are fragile and still quite vulnerable. a lot of stuff went down in the course of your husband's addiction and you sort of rode the bus til it crashed. now is the time to rebuild your strength and your life, without the AH. he's done enough eh?
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Rode the bus till it crashed. Oh god. True.
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Old 08-12-2017, 06:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi, Ophelia.
Welcome.
Yes, your spouse may have said something great and encouraging to you in his voice messages.
He may have also called you a b***h who has ruined his life.
seems like focusing on the deleted messages is beside the point.
More will be revealed. You will likely hear from your spouse again, and will learn where he is on his journey.
In the meantime, take good care.
One day at a time.
Try not to worry about the future. We just can't know what is in store.
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Old 08-12-2017, 09:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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As someone who also had to obtain a restraining order against my ex, you don’t want to hear those messages!! Psychotic rants – 20 of them from someone who needed the police called on them and then blames you and your family for his drug abuse and behavior, no, there would have only been more hurt and pain had you listened to them. Your sister did you a big favor.

As for your pet, the pet is with you and you have a restraining order against him. Try not to project and worry about things that have not happened yet.
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Old 08-13-2017, 02:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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What a difficult time for you. I really feel how sad and mistrustful you feel and I don't blame you at all. You say you feel you wish heard the messages and you maybe could have done something to prevent further damage to his health. I disagree. I think that the choices he made have meant you have sacrificed enough of your life, reputaion and sanity already. You did enough, more than enough. Feel at peace with that. It's natural to think you maybe could have tried one last thing but it doesn't work like that and it takes so many let downs and dangerous situtiations to finally sink in.
You are lucky you got away. You really are. A psychotic person is not fun or safe to be around. You didn't chose this to happen and you are right you cannot change the past but you CAN change your future.
I would take a break from your sister and limit contact as she sounds toxic to you right now. Take this time to really love yourself and plan a new life (which is so scary I know) and get used to living in peace and calm.
You have your pet and he can't come and take that from you. Have the pet microchipped or something in your name. Better yet move and make a fresh start where he cannot find you. Take this chance to really move on and find your happiness away from the cycle of drugs and chaos.
I know you love him but turn that around and look at the facts. He lost you your home, your respect your way of life and nearly your sanity. you are right to be angry!! Use that anger to strengthen your resolve to never look back. It's ok to love and pray he finds recovery but it's not ok to sacrifice yours in place of it
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Old 08-13-2017, 04:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks. I'm trying hard to untangle myself from this situation. Memories keep running through my head at the worst times and it's hard to control what I'm thinking, let alone what I'm supposed to do to stay safe. The relationships counselor I saw said that I need to control my thoughts -- but it's so difficult. To be honest, after the separation, I felt very uncomfortable with her.

I just keep thinking of all the times AH lied, and the time he tried to bash the front door down. I think I can't stop thinking about it, because he has not picked up any of his possessions, and I'm afraid of the day that he shows up to take his stuff.

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What a difficult time for you. I really feel how sad and mistrustful you feel and I don't blame you at all. You say you feel you wish heard the messages and you maybe could have done something to prevent further damage to his health. I disagree. I think that the choices he made have meant you have sacrificed enough of your life, reputaion and sanity already. You did enough, more than enough. Feel at peace with that. It's natural to think you maybe could have tried one last thing but it doesn't work like that and it takes so many let downs and dangerous situtiations to finally sink in.
You are lucky you got away. You really are. A psychotic person is not fun or safe to be around. You didn't chose this to happen and you are right you cannot change the past but you CAN change your future.
I would take a break from your sister and limit contact as she sounds toxic to you right now. Take this time to really love yourself and plan a new life (which is so scary I know) and get used to living in peace and calm.
You have your pet and he can't come and take that from you. Have the pet microchipped or something in your name. Better yet move and make a fresh start where he cannot find you. Take this chance to really move on and find your happiness away from the cycle of drugs and chaos.
I know you love him but turn that around and look at the facts. He lost you your home, your respect your way of life and nearly your sanity. you are right to be angry!! Use that anger to strengthen your resolve to never look back. It's ok to love and pray he finds recovery but it's not ok to sacrifice yours in place of it
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Old 08-13-2017, 05:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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If you have a restraining order against him, he can only pick up his things with the police there to supervise (and preferably, you someplace away from range/earshot/physical contact).

Have you tried any meetings in your area. Al-anon, CoDA, Nar-anon have helped many of us find our balance and sanity again? Having live support near you will help you more than you can know.

He's not going to get better any time soon so you need to take care of yourself and protect yourself from the damage he can do. It won't be easy but you are stronger than you know and slowly you can put your life back together again, I promise.

Hugs
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Old 08-13-2017, 06:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
Thanks. I'm trying hard to untangle myself from this situation. Memories keep running through my head at the worst times and it's hard to control what I'm thinking, let alone what I'm supposed to do to stay safe. The relationships counselor I saw said that I need to control my thoughts -- but it's so difficult. To be honest, after the separation, I felt very uncomfortable with her.

I just keep thinking of all the times AH lied, and the time he tried to bash the front door down. I think I can't stop thinking about it, because he has not picked up any of his possessions, and I'm afraid of the day that he shows up to take his stuff.
This is all going to take time to process. You've been through a traumatic experience and we can't control the thoughts in our head just like that. Allow yourself to grieve but not too much. Remember the reality not the rose tinted glasses version.
Is there anyway you can move house and have his stuff dropped off somewhere so he doesn't know where you are? The restraining order will keep him away and offer you protection. One days soon you will think about him a bit less and a bit less and happiness will take its place. You sound like you are working hard on yourself but remember to be kind to yourself too. Peace will soon come
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Old 08-13-2017, 06:57 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi, because our joint bank account was drained (he did this without my knowledge), and my personal bank account was used to pay for our life, I have no money to move anywhere. I also live in a very expensive country/state so it's not practical.

I've been to one Nar-Anon meeting, and as I don't have a car (or can afford one), it was expensive to go. However, I want to attend the next one too.

I have no idea if he's in a "sane" enough state to pick up his stuff. His addiction was in such a bad state that he was seizing/fitting on a regular basis the week before the cops removed him. He has not picked up his glasses or anything. I have no idea where he is. I suspect that he had had an affair when we were together (but have no proof) so it's possible that he is with another woman and that is why he has not picked up his things. Hmm... I did think of putting his things into storage and having him get the things from storage when he was ready, but then I have no idea how long I will have to pay for a storage container. It could be 2 days, or 2 years.

The restraining order has not yet been finalized, actually. I will know soon enough what the details are but meanwhile I'm on the edge, waiting.

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This is all going to take time to process. You've been through a traumatic experience and we can't control the thoughts in our head just like that. Allow yourself to grieve but not too much. Remember the reality not the rose tinted glasses version.
Is there anyway you can move house and have his stuff dropped off somewhere so he doesn't know where you are? The restraining order will keep him away and offer you protection. One days soon you will think about him a bit less and a bit less and happiness will take its place. You sound like you are working hard on yourself but remember to be kind to yourself too. Peace will soon come
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Old 08-13-2017, 09:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear that. Please don't pay to store his stuff. To be honest you are well within your rights to bin the lot or ask a relative of his to collect it. He possibly had an affair, he has never put your feeling first at all and you are not obligated to still care for his things. Are you able to access a women's refuge or anywhere to just get away and start again?
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Old 08-13-2017, 11:06 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
I've been to one Nar-Anon meeting, and as I don't have a car (or can afford one), it was expensive to go. However, I want to attend the next one too.

I did think of putting his things into storage and having him get the things from storage when he was ready, but then I have no idea how long I will have to pay for a storage container. It could be 2 days, or 2 years.
What’s more important? Getting yourself access to freedom or preserving HIS things?
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Old 08-13-2017, 12:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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since you have a restraining order pending, you could contact the local police and ask for their advice.

or if he has family or friends, they could possibly take possession of his stuff.

remember, HE is not demonstrating any interest whatsoever in those possessions. i'm not saying burn them, but don't treat them as priceless artifacts. hefty bags work well as luggage.

while i have not had to deal with the level of limited resources you have right now, i've started new chapters in my life a few times. takes some grit, determination and some good planning. also checking out all available social services and government resources. there IS a lot of help out there. it's a matter of getting connected to the pipeline.
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Old 08-14-2017, 01:54 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I spoke to a lawyer and they said that if I donate everything or give anything to his friends or relatives, I have to have his consent, otherwise he can say that I "stole" his stuff or gave it away without his consent. His friends no longer want to talk to him about picking up his stuff because they have tried and he hangs up on them.

He has no rights to the place where we lived (I still live here) because we did not own it, we rented. Legally, if the landlord wanted to, the landlord can dispose of his items after a certain amount of time.

I guess I'll have to see what happens in court.

It's so weird that only two months ago, he was still living with me and neither or us knew that this was going to end. I didn't know that I'd be single by the end of this year. I also didn't think that I'd never have kids -- my head was screwed on wrong for a long time, I thought that he could get sober quickly and we could have kids in one, two years time, and everything would be peachy.

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Sorry to hear that. Please don't pay to store his stuff. To be honest you are well within your rights to bin the lot or ask a relative of his to collect it. He possibly had an affair, he has never put your feeling first at all and you are not obligated to still care for his things. Are you able to access a women's refuge or anywhere to just get away and start again?
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Old 08-14-2017, 01:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Yeah I should probably get off my butt and do stuff like this. I've been lying in bed feeling miserable for about three weeks. I should get some exercise. I just feel so sad.

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since you have a restraining order pending, you could contact the local police and ask for their advice.

or if he has family or friends, they could possibly take possession of his stuff.

remember, HE is not demonstrating any interest whatsoever in those possessions. i'm not saying burn them, but don't treat them as priceless artifacts. hefty bags work well as luggage.

while i have not had to deal with the level of limited resources you have right now, i've started new chapters in my life a few times. takes some grit, determination and some good planning. also checking out all available social services and government resources. there IS a lot of help out there. it's a matter of getting connected to the pipeline.
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Old 08-14-2017, 08:01 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Ophelia, you are going through a time of grief yourself. It takes time, and for many, a good therapist for YOU. I know you don't want to hear this, but his messages would likely only upset you more. It's good that you have a break from him right now. You could not love him sober before, and it would not work now either.

Big hugs.
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Old 08-14-2017, 08:11 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I actually doubt he has ever been sober... unfortunately. He's taken breaks, but a couples weeks into withdrawal, he would use drugs again, and when he said he was sober... well, I'm not sure he was telling the truth now. There were signs....

You're right, it's best to take a break from him, a long break.

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Ophelia, you are going through a time of grief yourself. It takes time, and for many, a good therapist for YOU. I know you don't want to hear this, but his messages would likely only upset you more. It's good that you have a break from him right now. You could not love him sober before, and it would not work now either.

Big hugs.
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Old 08-15-2017, 10:09 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Yeah I should probably get off my butt and do stuff like this. I've been lying in bed feeling miserable for about three weeks. I should get some exercise. I just feel so sad.

baby steps. you have a lot to process and that is going to take time....lots and lots of time. so you have to start learning to feel sad/mad/upset/depressed/grief stricken AND still get out of bed and resume the land of the living.

that doesn't mean you leap out of bed and go run a 10k. it means maybe today you take a shower, and round up the laundry. and maybe tomorrow you actually get the clothes IN to the washer. maybe today your culinary skills amount to a grilled cheese sandwich and a can of soup. maybe tomorrow you make it the mailbox to check the mail.

and maybe whilst on the computer you start googling about resources in your area/district/community. maybe you consider reaching out to a DV service - your story is not without violence and abuse after all. maybe you just assemble the phone numbers today, or some of them.

but baby steps will get you where you need to be. where you want to be.
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Old 08-15-2017, 10:47 AM   #19 (permalink)
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O.K. -I would take his stuff to Goodwill. Be done with his presence in your home. I let my X come to get his stuff, kept it for months until he got it. I can't believe I took that chance. Fortunately he didn't come alone so I felt safe but it sure could have gone south in so many ways. I am glad to have my home back. His presence is gone. There is just no future in that kind of sickness!
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Old 08-16-2017, 05:39 AM   #20 (permalink)
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So okay... here's my update: I've contacted a domestic violence service and I have an appointment with them soon. I've made a whole bunch of phone calls, including calls to narc anon and other drug abuse + families services and they have all said that it sounds like the guy has a problem that goes deeper than just drugs, you need to call a domestic violence service. So I have. Every time I made a call, I got an involuntary flash back to him screaming at me in messages he left on my phone. I've changed my number too.
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