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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Hello
Hello Everyone!
This is my first post. I found this forum after Googling "guilt over divorcing alcoholic husband".
My divorce was final this past May. I'm in my own place after having rented a room in someone else's house for eight months. I'm still getting used to just being "me" (no kiddos, siblings or parents).
My story begins ten years ago when I started dating my EXAH. I hadn't been exposed to the world of alcoholism before and didn't see or realize the signs of addiction right away. He was a high functioning alcoholic for most of the decade we were together. We would have so much fun together when he wasn't drinking!! So much so that we were married.
Fast forward to three years ago when He started smoking pot on top of the drinking. I decided to go to counseling which was a wonderful experience for me. I became a physically healthy person and emotionally more attune to sticking up for myself.
I'm 52 now and just couldn't see myself with a person who, by this time, was just hanging out on the couch not wanting to do much of anything. I wanted to experience life to the fullest and not cry every morning when I was alone.
So I left. Then his drinking became so out of control that our neighbors found him in the living room near death. He lost his job as well. This was all "my fault" of course. In the short months that followed he was in rehab four times.
He has now been sober almost 120 days. I'm very happy for him and cautiously optimistic. He has a new job and is moving from his sober living home to a house he is having built. He has a new girlfriend (because he needs companionship to help him stay sober - according to him).
He wants to remain friends but texts me on "bad" days things like "I wish you would have been there for me when I needed you the most" or "I just don't understand what I did to make you leave".
Now that I'm out of the marriage and on my own, I sometimes think things like: Was it really that bad? Was I blowing things out of proportion? Was I selfish for leaving? I did go to a few Alanon meetings and have read literature on the subject. My situation was mild comparison to others (no physical violence or DUIs) I also read that a lot of spouses stay with their alcoholic husbands/wives. I certainly wouldn't have left if he had cancer.
I know in my mind that it had to have been THAT bad for me to leave. So why am I doing this to myself?!
Please don't think that I'm trying to play the victim. I understand that I played a part. I truly am looking for answers and if I am given advice that I need to hear - not necessarily something I want to hear - I will give it serious thought.
Okay that was lengthy abbreviated version of my situation. Thanks for letting babble a bit.
This is my first post. I found this forum after Googling "guilt over divorcing alcoholic husband".
My divorce was final this past May. I'm in my own place after having rented a room in someone else's house for eight months. I'm still getting used to just being "me" (no kiddos, siblings or parents).
My story begins ten years ago when I started dating my EXAH. I hadn't been exposed to the world of alcoholism before and didn't see or realize the signs of addiction right away. He was a high functioning alcoholic for most of the decade we were together. We would have so much fun together when he wasn't drinking!! So much so that we were married.
Fast forward to three years ago when He started smoking pot on top of the drinking. I decided to go to counseling which was a wonderful experience for me. I became a physically healthy person and emotionally more attune to sticking up for myself.
I'm 52 now and just couldn't see myself with a person who, by this time, was just hanging out on the couch not wanting to do much of anything. I wanted to experience life to the fullest and not cry every morning when I was alone.
So I left. Then his drinking became so out of control that our neighbors found him in the living room near death. He lost his job as well. This was all "my fault" of course. In the short months that followed he was in rehab four times.
He has now been sober almost 120 days. I'm very happy for him and cautiously optimistic. He has a new job and is moving from his sober living home to a house he is having built. He has a new girlfriend (because he needs companionship to help him stay sober - according to him).
He wants to remain friends but texts me on "bad" days things like "I wish you would have been there for me when I needed you the most" or "I just don't understand what I did to make you leave".
Now that I'm out of the marriage and on my own, I sometimes think things like: Was it really that bad? Was I blowing things out of proportion? Was I selfish for leaving? I did go to a few Alanon meetings and have read literature on the subject. My situation was mild comparison to others (no physical violence or DUIs) I also read that a lot of spouses stay with their alcoholic husbands/wives. I certainly wouldn't have left if he had cancer.
I know in my mind that it had to have been THAT bad for me to leave. So why am I doing this to myself?!
Please don't think that I'm trying to play the victim. I understand that I played a part. I truly am looking for answers and if I am given advice that I need to hear - not necessarily something I want to hear - I will give it serious thought.
Okay that was lengthy abbreviated version of my situation. Thanks for letting babble a bit.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 78
I can not judge you. I was fortunate to have a wife who suffered with me and supported my recovery(s). Perhaps things were different for you. I assume you made it clear to him that you might leave.
I would say though that it sounds like he is trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I'd have none of it
I would say though that it sounds like he is trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I'd have none of it
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
I'm no expert on anything, my simple opinion is since you are divorced, move on. Going back and forth in your heart will only make you crazy. If he stays sober his life will be better and he will be a better person. Good for him. But you need to find your way forward too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
One of the suggestions I would give you is to stop all contact with him, block him from continuing to interfere with your new life and keep you back in that place you fought so hard to leave. It’s like you removed yourself physically but mentally you are still back there allowing him to affect your life. There is no reason at all that you should be allowing him to continue to blame you for his alcoholism, which tells me he may be alcohol free for the last 120 days but doesn’t appear he’s working a real recovery program. Do you enjoy hearing him tell you about his new girlfriend? And his new house? Seems that when he makes these contacts with you it gets you back in old thinking mode where he is your solution to happiness in life and as you know, he is not.
Al-anon is not just for people whose situations appear to be worse than others it is for anyone who has been affected by someone else’s drinking, I’d give it a try again, stick with it for a while and see what happens.
As for the thinking that you would not have left someone with cancer, well, I haven’t heard of any cancer patients driving to the liquor/bar to obtain more cancer, have you? Entirely a different situation and an entirely different disease.
Al-anon is not just for people whose situations appear to be worse than others it is for anyone who has been affected by someone else’s drinking, I’d give it a try again, stick with it for a while and see what happens.
As for the thinking that you would not have left someone with cancer, well, I haven’t heard of any cancer patients driving to the liquor/bar to obtain more cancer, have you? Entirely a different situation and an entirely different disease.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
The fact that he still doesn't see the part he played in your leaving is a very bad sign! If he was truly working his program he would be accepting full responsibility for his behavior and acknowledging the damage HE did in the relationship.
120 days may seem like a lot, but it's really not. Relapses can and do happen several years after the fact. His behavior is not promising.
I hope you can get some distance from this situation. Distance brings clarity.
Stay strong.
120 days may seem like a lot, but it's really not. Relapses can and do happen several years after the fact. His behavior is not promising.
I hope you can get some distance from this situation. Distance brings clarity.
Stay strong.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Speaking from the experience of being both a partner of alcoholic(s) and a recovering alcoholic myself, I believe you did the right thing.
Saying that he needs someone else to be able to stay sober says he has poor understanding of recovery. He also has no insight into his own behaviour when he says he doesn't understand why you left. Not owning up to how his alcoholism affected you has me agreeing with the other posters. He may be dry--physically not drinking-- but I don't see much recovery there. If someone isn't diligently working a program of recovery, relapses can happen even many years later. It happened to me.
Yes, it was that bad for you to have left--I know how difficult/painful that is to do, so good for you for taking the steps to enable you to do that! Thinking we're blowing things out of proportion and/or that we're being selfish for taking care of ourselves seems pretty common, but those are just lies we were believing. I also agree that Alanon would still be helpful, but at least learn all you can about codependency and how to avoid falling for someone like that again. I learned that I had to look at myself and have my own recovery to stop getting sucked into those sorts of relationships.
I'm happy for you that you've been able to make a fresh start!
Saying that he needs someone else to be able to stay sober says he has poor understanding of recovery. He also has no insight into his own behaviour when he says he doesn't understand why you left. Not owning up to how his alcoholism affected you has me agreeing with the other posters. He may be dry--physically not drinking-- but I don't see much recovery there. If someone isn't diligently working a program of recovery, relapses can happen even many years later. It happened to me.
Yes, it was that bad for you to have left--I know how difficult/painful that is to do, so good for you for taking the steps to enable you to do that! Thinking we're blowing things out of proportion and/or that we're being selfish for taking care of ourselves seems pretty common, but those are just lies we were believing. I also agree that Alanon would still be helpful, but at least learn all you can about codependency and how to avoid falling for someone like that again. I learned that I had to look at myself and have my own recovery to stop getting sucked into those sorts of relationships.
I'm happy for you that you've been able to make a fresh start!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
He wants to remain friends but texts me on "bad" days things like "I wish you would have been there for me when I needed you the most" or "I just don't understand what I did to make you leave".
That's not real recovery talking right there..
That's not real recovery talking right there..
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