Blackslide, but focused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 42
Blackslide, but focused
I have given up all hopes and dreams of my beautiful spouse performing a miracle recovery from heroin and meth. This past two years has been the hardest thing I have endured. I love her, more than anyone ever. But that doesnt matter now. Maybe God can perform a miracle. It's his will not mine. I pray for the best outcome, but His may not be mine.
Some may know I was ansty to tuck my tail and run to a new town where my kids are. That is still the best option, but timing was off. I have extended my time here to do what is right by my landlord and give proper notice. To give myself time to find the right room to rent in the metropolitian area. To face my awful feelings of the deepest pain, guilt, anxiety, sadness, anger, and all those things we all who have been through this felt. It is truly the worst. Even the death of a spouse is final. This is the devil coming to steal, rob, and destroy. The pain is almost unbearable. But it has signaled a time for me to reallyt change my life. Get to the root of my own issues. become a better person, and live an actual life. I am alone in this. No family or friends.
But I have God. Whatever that entails. And honestly this is good. Becuase for the first time that I can remember I have to face my **** storm (sometimes brought on by myself, sometimes others) alone. No one to holdmy hand. No women to fill that void I always did after a breakup.
There is nothing but my goal.
That goal is to clear this house. Begin a new tempoary job that will put extra money in my pocket before I go. To focus on 3 things until I drive off into a new life that is mine to decide what to do with.
Work to get money, and my mind off of this.
Get to the gym and focus on my body.
Work on self help as best as possible.
All the while knwoing she is doing what she does right down the road.
You see I became obsesssed and compulsed. I was always texting, calling, pleading, and showing up. She loves me in her way, I dampened that love due to my verbal assaults on her, and taking away everything in her life that gave her security. Our home. I made some hard, maybe not right choices. Aside from her addiction, I have my own issues that played a part in this demise. I begged her to please lets go through our own recoverys seperate but hand in hand. That we could endure this. Rebuild was has been destroyed. And while she was semi receptive to the idea, its plain toxic as is. Our last interaction we made love for hours inbetween sleep. Sleep has been the only sense of small peacxe I have felt with her.
Her body soon began to crave its need. We ended up fighting as always and she left back to her regular life. I had the worst nightmares ever as I slept. And then it clicked. I decided to set some goals and follow through with leaving, but the right way.
Yesterday as always I plead with her yet again. But as the day progressed, I stopped messaging her. I brought a temporary roomate in who is working a job here until the 15th of september. I am now looking for another temp to fill the extra down there. I decided to stop messaging her last night. I blocked her number to not wake up to a text that could if she show up lead us back down this road. Every interaction is like a bandaid being ripped open.
For the first time today I remained strong. Blocking hernumber meant that I wont get that pang when my phone goes off. IU can see blocked messages if I look for them. She has messaged me, but in my strength I have not messaged back like always.
This is a victory for me. Normally I run to her.
But this time instead of flip flopping on what I am going to do with my immediate life, makingf all kinds of different plans, I chose to go no contact, and set myself realistic goals. I decided to make my own choices, prior making choices on what I thought was best for her.
In this moment I feel the anxiety, but its deep down. What I am working on today is packing. And setting up the chancefor her to get her things without any conflict. I do not wish to see her again. I do not wish to backlside. this week before the job starts gives me ample time to prepare for this move. To believe that its goingf to be okay.
Time to face everything head on. To figure out what my own needed long before this recovery looks like.
It doesnt look like accepting and holding on to bitter emotions and not improving.
It doesnt look like seeking validation in another woman.
It looks like finally getting my heart, mind, body, spirit in the right place and taking it day by day. I dont know what this recovery looks like. But I know there is help where I am going. Its very limited here.
So until that day I get to be in a place to get help, I will strive to achieve this short term goal I have set
Work, workout, clear the house, figure out my next step, knowing the time has come to go, but doing it without an emotianal reaction. And trying so hard to stay no contact...for once. No contact.
Some may know I was ansty to tuck my tail and run to a new town where my kids are. That is still the best option, but timing was off. I have extended my time here to do what is right by my landlord and give proper notice. To give myself time to find the right room to rent in the metropolitian area. To face my awful feelings of the deepest pain, guilt, anxiety, sadness, anger, and all those things we all who have been through this felt. It is truly the worst. Even the death of a spouse is final. This is the devil coming to steal, rob, and destroy. The pain is almost unbearable. But it has signaled a time for me to reallyt change my life. Get to the root of my own issues. become a better person, and live an actual life. I am alone in this. No family or friends.
But I have God. Whatever that entails. And honestly this is good. Becuase for the first time that I can remember I have to face my **** storm (sometimes brought on by myself, sometimes others) alone. No one to holdmy hand. No women to fill that void I always did after a breakup.
There is nothing but my goal.
That goal is to clear this house. Begin a new tempoary job that will put extra money in my pocket before I go. To focus on 3 things until I drive off into a new life that is mine to decide what to do with.
Work to get money, and my mind off of this.
Get to the gym and focus on my body.
Work on self help as best as possible.
All the while knwoing she is doing what she does right down the road.
You see I became obsesssed and compulsed. I was always texting, calling, pleading, and showing up. She loves me in her way, I dampened that love due to my verbal assaults on her, and taking away everything in her life that gave her security. Our home. I made some hard, maybe not right choices. Aside from her addiction, I have my own issues that played a part in this demise. I begged her to please lets go through our own recoverys seperate but hand in hand. That we could endure this. Rebuild was has been destroyed. And while she was semi receptive to the idea, its plain toxic as is. Our last interaction we made love for hours inbetween sleep. Sleep has been the only sense of small peacxe I have felt with her.
Her body soon began to crave its need. We ended up fighting as always and she left back to her regular life. I had the worst nightmares ever as I slept. And then it clicked. I decided to set some goals and follow through with leaving, but the right way.
Yesterday as always I plead with her yet again. But as the day progressed, I stopped messaging her. I brought a temporary roomate in who is working a job here until the 15th of september. I am now looking for another temp to fill the extra down there. I decided to stop messaging her last night. I blocked her number to not wake up to a text that could if she show up lead us back down this road. Every interaction is like a bandaid being ripped open.
For the first time today I remained strong. Blocking hernumber meant that I wont get that pang when my phone goes off. IU can see blocked messages if I look for them. She has messaged me, but in my strength I have not messaged back like always.
This is a victory for me. Normally I run to her.
But this time instead of flip flopping on what I am going to do with my immediate life, makingf all kinds of different plans, I chose to go no contact, and set myself realistic goals. I decided to make my own choices, prior making choices on what I thought was best for her.
In this moment I feel the anxiety, but its deep down. What I am working on today is packing. And setting up the chancefor her to get her things without any conflict. I do not wish to see her again. I do not wish to backlside. this week before the job starts gives me ample time to prepare for this move. To believe that its goingf to be okay.
Time to face everything head on. To figure out what my own needed long before this recovery looks like.
It doesnt look like accepting and holding on to bitter emotions and not improving.
It doesnt look like seeking validation in another woman.
It looks like finally getting my heart, mind, body, spirit in the right place and taking it day by day. I dont know what this recovery looks like. But I know there is help where I am going. Its very limited here.
So until that day I get to be in a place to get help, I will strive to achieve this short term goal I have set
Work, workout, clear the house, figure out my next step, knowing the time has come to go, but doing it without an emotianal reaction. And trying so hard to stay no contact...for once. No contact.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 42
I just want to say hello to the others in this immidiate going through this. LisaPurdue, Anvilhead, and Hardlessons. I hope you are all well. Your stories are my story and I am here if anyone needs to talk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 42
My anxziety and fear are becoming greater as time moves forward. Im dragging my son on a long hike. Tonight may be rough. Mood swings are a son of a gun. I wish that I had a sponser. Its so sick that I feel like an addict myself. If Ican survive this, anything else will dull in comparison. I have try to feel it, but keep in mind that she is most likely not feeling like this. That more than likely she is looking pretty enjoying the sun with her addict friends not caring at all about me. I must look at myself as just another resource. Try to not waste my emotional reserve on someone not doing that with me.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hello. I'm going through something similar myself. I think my situation, because there was violence and the police removed him and then he got evicted, I had to go no contact for my own safety. It has been hard, though. I keep wanting to text or call to see if he's okay, but then I remind myself that he IS okay and if the tables were turned, he would not bother to contact me. I had been separated from my AH before for a short time and at no point did he call or text me to see if I was okay. I think if I had not tried to contact him, we would not have got back together and the relationship would have ended four, five years ago instead of this year.
Please stay strong. You will live through this for you and your son.
Please stay strong. You will live through this for you and your son.
Originally Posted by johnnie360 
I just want to say hello to the others in this immidiate going through this. LisaPurdue, Anvilhead, and Hardlessons. I hope you are all well. Your stories are my story and I am here if anyone needs to talk.
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