Break up escalating - Having difficulty coping
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 12
Break up escalating - Having difficulty coping
Hi all,
Thank you again for your responses on my other posts.
I have stayed strong with the break up, primarily because even when my xafiance was trying to convince me he could and would change, he was still revealing that his attitude towards the many substances he has been abusing is a positive one.
I tried to tell him that if he could show with his actions that he was committed to change, we could revisit the relationship in the future. He tried to place pressure on me by saying it was now or never, that this time was different, and that if I loved him and valued the almost 10 years we'd spent together, I would come back.
I kid you not, it has been 20 straight days of having to go over and over and over my reasons for breaking up with him. His messages have gone between apologetic and calm to angry and spiteful.
The last two days really escalated. He began to send upwards of 70 messages a day. I don't know how we was managing to work, honestly. Maybe he's been fired. I don't know. But literally sending messages, one after the other, non stop, for days. And I am tired. I am sick of repeating the same thing over and over. I am sick of receiving this verbal abuse. I am sick of getting sucked into the arguments. But at the same time, I didn't want him to show up at my family home, I am a little scared by his aggression, and I also want to show him the respect of acknowledging his pain and providing periodic responses.
His messages eventually progressed to the point where he was attempting to absolve himself of ANY blame. Apparently he was smart and rational to make the decision to take meth to improve his job performance. Apparently he has never been more motivated or smoked less weed. I was like, YEAH. BECAUSE OF THE METH. GREAT LIFE CHOICE.
He SOMEHOW interpreted my running out of patience, after TWENTY DAYS, as me having a mental illness?? So now he believes that someone would have to have a MENTAL ILLNESS to want to leave someone who lied and deceived them and was an addict behind their back and treated them like absolute **** for months and months?!
I am angry. I am in disbelief. I had hoped we could move on from this split maturely.
How could he be so delusional?
I think he may be using again.
Anyway, long story short. I explained to him that as a result of his behaviour I would have to block him. I don't need that incessant hatred in my life. That's why I left. I told him my email would be available in the event we needed to tie up any loose financial ends etc.
So now he has gone and contacted all of my friends, telling them he is worried about ME because I am clearly mentally ill and need help?!?!?
Rage. The rage is real.
Has anyone been through anything similar? HOW DID YOU DEAL?? I am at the end of my rope.
Thank you again for your responses on my other posts.
I have stayed strong with the break up, primarily because even when my xafiance was trying to convince me he could and would change, he was still revealing that his attitude towards the many substances he has been abusing is a positive one.
I tried to tell him that if he could show with his actions that he was committed to change, we could revisit the relationship in the future. He tried to place pressure on me by saying it was now or never, that this time was different, and that if I loved him and valued the almost 10 years we'd spent together, I would come back.
I kid you not, it has been 20 straight days of having to go over and over and over my reasons for breaking up with him. His messages have gone between apologetic and calm to angry and spiteful.
The last two days really escalated. He began to send upwards of 70 messages a day. I don't know how we was managing to work, honestly. Maybe he's been fired. I don't know. But literally sending messages, one after the other, non stop, for days. And I am tired. I am sick of repeating the same thing over and over. I am sick of receiving this verbal abuse. I am sick of getting sucked into the arguments. But at the same time, I didn't want him to show up at my family home, I am a little scared by his aggression, and I also want to show him the respect of acknowledging his pain and providing periodic responses.
His messages eventually progressed to the point where he was attempting to absolve himself of ANY blame. Apparently he was smart and rational to make the decision to take meth to improve his job performance. Apparently he has never been more motivated or smoked less weed. I was like, YEAH. BECAUSE OF THE METH. GREAT LIFE CHOICE.
He SOMEHOW interpreted my running out of patience, after TWENTY DAYS, as me having a mental illness?? So now he believes that someone would have to have a MENTAL ILLNESS to want to leave someone who lied and deceived them and was an addict behind their back and treated them like absolute **** for months and months?!
I am angry. I am in disbelief. I had hoped we could move on from this split maturely.
How could he be so delusional?
I think he may be using again.
Anyway, long story short. I explained to him that as a result of his behaviour I would have to block him. I don't need that incessant hatred in my life. That's why I left. I told him my email would be available in the event we needed to tie up any loose financial ends etc.
So now he has gone and contacted all of my friends, telling them he is worried about ME because I am clearly mentally ill and need help?!?!?
Rage. The rage is real.
Has anyone been through anything similar? HOW DID YOU DEAL?? I am at the end of my rope.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
I don't know your story, but...if you don't have children with this person, then why do you continue to have contact with him? You say you broke up with him, right? Maybe I'm not getting the whole picture, but if you are done, then BE done.
If you are trying to convince him that you were right in breaking up, that is an exercise in futility. You will never convince him you were right.
My best advice is to go no contact and move on with your life.
If you are trying to convince him that you were right in breaking up, that is an exercise in futility. You will never convince him you were right.
My best advice is to go no contact and move on with your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I kid you not, it has been 20 straight days of having to go over and over and over my reasons for breaking up with him.
WHY would you waste 20 days of your life repeating to someone that you broke up with them and it's OVER? if it's over, it's.............over. one day one.
just be done with the guy. seriously, that is how break ups are done. oh, ok, we're done now, see ya.
WHY would you waste 20 days of your life repeating to someone that you broke up with them and it's OVER? if it's over, it's.............over. one day one.
just be done with the guy. seriously, that is how break ups are done. oh, ok, we're done now, see ya.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Suki. You cannot reason with insanity and his behaviour is insane whether he is using or not. I suspect he IS.
You don't have to justify your thoughts or your actions. They are valid and you get to choose when you stop listening to his verbal abuse.
Take back your power and take care of yourself. Don't respond and if he shows up at your place call the police. He is out of control and very well could become dangerous.
You don't have to justify your thoughts or your actions. They are valid and you get to choose when you stop listening to his verbal abuse.
Take back your power and take care of yourself. Don't respond and if he shows up at your place call the police. He is out of control and very well could become dangerous.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 12
Thank you for your responses.
I think the reason I haven't cut off contact was because I hoped that by working through the break up it would avoid it escalating the way it has. We broke up once before a few years ago (similar issue, but not as hard drugs) and I cut him off and it was a lot worse. He ended up turning up to my apartment multiple nights in a row and yelling and leaving a million letters and flowers and whatever else.
I was hoping to avoid that, and I was hoping that we could both be mature and just move on with our lives without the drama.
It's hard to know the 'right' way to break up with someone, I guess. I'll just stay no contact.
I think the reason I haven't cut off contact was because I hoped that by working through the break up it would avoid it escalating the way it has. We broke up once before a few years ago (similar issue, but not as hard drugs) and I cut him off and it was a lot worse. He ended up turning up to my apartment multiple nights in a row and yelling and leaving a million letters and flowers and whatever else.
I was hoping to avoid that, and I was hoping that we could both be mature and just move on with our lives without the drama.
It's hard to know the 'right' way to break up with someone, I guess. I'll just stay no contact.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Bnegc
At the end of your first post you asked if anyone else is currently going through something similar - well here I am in the flesh.
I understand that everyone's circumstance is different. But I also understand there are numerous common elements the largest being we are dealing with active addicts.
I am not giving you advice because I don't honestly feel I can give anyone advice at this point. But I will make a few comments. If you want to read about me, my story is posted in all its ugly glory. Its a large thread.
I was given a lot of sound advice from numerous fine people here on SR. Advice that helped me.
I was told early on to block my addict. At the time I was not contacting her & she for some reason was not contacting me. She was not blocked & that went on for several weeks. For lack of a better explanation I didn't have the strength to block her.
For me the contact came out of the blue. I knew it would come. A few days later the second came. Then the next day a crippling third contact came. These were all initiated by her.
The third contact which took place a little over a week ago literally dropped me to my knees. Crushed me. I am still feeling the pain from it as I type this response.
My mistake was that after several weeks of not talking to her & reading all the responses to my story here on SR - I thought I could handle a contact from her. I was wrong. It was a big mistake on my part.
After the third contact - I blocked her - and that's where it remains. It wasn't easy to do. But I had to block her for me. I had to do it for my own sanity. Once she was blocked it does feel a lot different. There are good aspects to it & what I would call sad aspects to it.
She's an active addict. She is in complete denial. She is doing nothing to change anything about her life. I tried very hard for years in my own (stupid) way to change her. But in the end none of it worked. It couldn't work - she's an active addict. The relationship had no where to go - but end. Very sad situation.
Please consider the advice your given very seriously. What I read concerning your life seems extremely intense. Try to step back & take a realistic view of your relationship.
I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I totally understand - none of this is going to be easy. I wish you all the best.
At the end of your first post you asked if anyone else is currently going through something similar - well here I am in the flesh.
I understand that everyone's circumstance is different. But I also understand there are numerous common elements the largest being we are dealing with active addicts.
I am not giving you advice because I don't honestly feel I can give anyone advice at this point. But I will make a few comments. If you want to read about me, my story is posted in all its ugly glory. Its a large thread.
I was given a lot of sound advice from numerous fine people here on SR. Advice that helped me.
I was told early on to block my addict. At the time I was not contacting her & she for some reason was not contacting me. She was not blocked & that went on for several weeks. For lack of a better explanation I didn't have the strength to block her.
For me the contact came out of the blue. I knew it would come. A few days later the second came. Then the next day a crippling third contact came. These were all initiated by her.
The third contact which took place a little over a week ago literally dropped me to my knees. Crushed me. I am still feeling the pain from it as I type this response.
My mistake was that after several weeks of not talking to her & reading all the responses to my story here on SR - I thought I could handle a contact from her. I was wrong. It was a big mistake on my part.
After the third contact - I blocked her - and that's where it remains. It wasn't easy to do. But I had to block her for me. I had to do it for my own sanity. Once she was blocked it does feel a lot different. There are good aspects to it & what I would call sad aspects to it.
She's an active addict. She is in complete denial. She is doing nothing to change anything about her life. I tried very hard for years in my own (stupid) way to change her. But in the end none of it worked. It couldn't work - she's an active addict. The relationship had no where to go - but end. Very sad situation.
Please consider the advice your given very seriously. What I read concerning your life seems extremely intense. Try to step back & take a realistic view of your relationship.
I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I totally understand - none of this is going to be easy. I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
The last two days really escalated. He began to send upwards of 70 messages a day.
He ended up turning up to my apartment multiple nights in a row and yelling and leaving a million letters and flowers and whatever else.
There are others on this board with way more experience than I do on these kind of matters that might chime in as well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Active meth addicts are not know for their sanity. Out of all the hard drugs, I think it does the most to damage the human brain. Stay away from him if at all possible. Let him rant and rave to everybody else. They'll figure it out soon enough and see thru his brand of crazy. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The person who does not understand your silence will never understand your words. We try to do and have normal with the abnormal with the people out of their minds on drugs of filled with booze. We don’t like conflict or drama but we fear taking the necessary steps that puts an end to the drama and conflict, why do we fear that?
Blocking them is our best tool, calling the police when they show up uninvited on our door step is our second best tool.
No contact is building a wall between you and a toxic person. All of their success and failures, joys and misery will take place on the other side of this wall and you should neither be aware of nor care that these events took place. Otherwise, the wall becomes a moving patrician that you will constantly be building up and taking down.
Blocking them is our best tool, calling the police when they show up uninvited on our door step is our second best tool.
No contact is building a wall between you and a toxic person. All of their success and failures, joys and misery will take place on the other side of this wall and you should neither be aware of nor care that these events took place. Otherwise, the wall becomes a moving patrician that you will constantly be building up and taking down.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
This is so familiar to me. My AH (I have to say, not my ex yet because I'm writing this from Australia, where you have to be separated for 12 months before they allow you to file for divorce), used to say that he's over smoking weed because now he has synthetic cannabis. He said synthetic cannabis was better because it was more "effective for pain relief", cheaper, and "legal". Um, no, no, and no. It's more dangerous, it's actually cheaper not to use any drugs, and it's only "legal" because the manufacturers have to keep one step ahead of the law by constantly changing their formula. Who knows what's really in it? It's not cannabis, it could be chemical no:aefjsjf93ur$@! (I just mashed the keyboard because I'm not a chemist).
And that stuff about saying you have a mental illness? Yep. My AH did that to me too. He said I had mental issues and that was why he was using drugs. My mental issue is that I didn't want to sleep with him because his drug use was so bad that his hygiene went out the window. Also he was never sober.
Apologies (or not), but I'm really angry tonight.
I wish I had not spent years and years caring for this person. I hope you can get away from your A. Sometimes letting go is hard.
And that stuff about saying you have a mental illness? Yep. My AH did that to me too. He said I had mental issues and that was why he was using drugs. My mental issue is that I didn't want to sleep with him because his drug use was so bad that his hygiene went out the window. Also he was never sober.
Apologies (or not), but I'm really angry tonight.
I wish I had not spent years and years caring for this person. I hope you can get away from your A. Sometimes letting go is hard.
Originally Posted by bnegc 
Hi all,
Thank you again for your responses on my other posts.
I have stayed strong with the break up, primarily because even when my xafiance was trying to convince me he could and would change, he was still revealing that his attitude towards the many substances he has been abusing is a positive one.
I tried to tell him that if he could show with his actions that he was committed to change, we could revisit the relationship in the future. He tried to place pressure on me by saying it was now or never, that this time was different, and that if I loved him and valued the almost 10 years we'd spent together, I would come back.
I kid you not, it has been 20 straight days of having to go over and over and over my reasons for breaking up with him. His messages have gone between apologetic and calm to angry and spiteful.
The last two days really escalated. He began to send upwards of 70 messages a day. I don't know how we was managing to work, honestly. Maybe he's been fired. I don't know. But literally sending messages, one after the other, non stop, for days. And I am tired. I am sick of repeating the same thing over and over. I am sick of receiving this verbal abuse. I am sick of getting sucked into the arguments. But at the same time, I didn't want him to show up at my family home, I am a little scared by his aggression, and I also want to show him the respect of acknowledging his pain and providing periodic responses.
His messages eventually progressed to the point where he was attempting to absolve himself of ANY blame. Apparently he was smart and rational to make the decision to take meth to improve his job performance. Apparently he has never been more motivated or smoked less weed. I was like, YEAH. BECAUSE OF THE METH. GREAT LIFE CHOICE.
He SOMEHOW interpreted my running out of patience, after TWENTY DAYS, as me having a mental illness?? So now he believes that someone would have to have a MENTAL ILLNESS to want to leave someone who lied and deceived them and was an addict behind their back and treated them like absolute **** for months and months?!
I am angry. I am in disbelief. I had hoped we could move on from this split maturely.
How could he be so delusional?
I think he may be using again.
Anyway, long story short. I explained to him that as a result of his behaviour I would have to block him. I don't need that incessant hatred in my life. That's why I left. I told him my email would be available in the event we needed to tie up any loose financial ends etc.
So now he has gone and contacted all of my friends, telling them he is worried about ME because I am clearly mentally ill and need help?!?!?
Rage. The rage is real.
Has anyone been through anything similar? HOW DID YOU DEAL?? I am at the end of my rope.
Thank you again for your responses on my other posts.
I have stayed strong with the break up, primarily because even when my xafiance was trying to convince me he could and would change, he was still revealing that his attitude towards the many substances he has been abusing is a positive one.
I tried to tell him that if he could show with his actions that he was committed to change, we could revisit the relationship in the future. He tried to place pressure on me by saying it was now or never, that this time was different, and that if I loved him and valued the almost 10 years we'd spent together, I would come back.
I kid you not, it has been 20 straight days of having to go over and over and over my reasons for breaking up with him. His messages have gone between apologetic and calm to angry and spiteful.
The last two days really escalated. He began to send upwards of 70 messages a day. I don't know how we was managing to work, honestly. Maybe he's been fired. I don't know. But literally sending messages, one after the other, non stop, for days. And I am tired. I am sick of repeating the same thing over and over. I am sick of receiving this verbal abuse. I am sick of getting sucked into the arguments. But at the same time, I didn't want him to show up at my family home, I am a little scared by his aggression, and I also want to show him the respect of acknowledging his pain and providing periodic responses.
His messages eventually progressed to the point where he was attempting to absolve himself of ANY blame. Apparently he was smart and rational to make the decision to take meth to improve his job performance. Apparently he has never been more motivated or smoked less weed. I was like, YEAH. BECAUSE OF THE METH. GREAT LIFE CHOICE.
He SOMEHOW interpreted my running out of patience, after TWENTY DAYS, as me having a mental illness?? So now he believes that someone would have to have a MENTAL ILLNESS to want to leave someone who lied and deceived them and was an addict behind their back and treated them like absolute **** for months and months?!
I am angry. I am in disbelief. I had hoped we could move on from this split maturely.
How could he be so delusional?
I think he may be using again.
Anyway, long story short. I explained to him that as a result of his behaviour I would have to block him. I don't need that incessant hatred in my life. That's why I left. I told him my email would be available in the event we needed to tie up any loose financial ends etc.
So now he has gone and contacted all of my friends, telling them he is worried about ME because I am clearly mentally ill and need help?!?!?
Rage. The rage is real.
Has anyone been through anything similar? HOW DID YOU DEAL?? I am at the end of my rope.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
These are wise, wise words. It's really hard at first. I struggle with this daily. I spent years caring and now I have to not care in order to protect myself.
It's hard, but atalose said it right. You have to create a boundary. It's not your fight, it's theirs. :-( So sorry this is happening to you.
It's hard, but atalose said it right. You have to create a boundary. It's not your fight, it's theirs. :-( So sorry this is happening to you.
Originally Posted by atalose
The person who does not understand your silence will never understand your words. We try to do and have normal with the abnormal with the people out of their minds on drugs of filled with booze. We don’t like conflict or drama but we fear taking the necessary steps that puts an end to the drama and conflict, why do we fear that?
Blocking them is our best tool, calling the police when they show up uninvited on our door step is our second best tool.
No contact is building a wall between you and a toxic person. All of their success and failures, joys and misery will take place on the other side of this wall and you should neither be aware of nor care that these events took place. Otherwise, the wall becomes a moving patrician that you will constantly be building up and taking down.
Blocking them is our best tool, calling the police when they show up uninvited on our door step is our second best tool.
No contact is building a wall between you and a toxic person. All of their success and failures, joys and misery will take place on the other side of this wall and you should neither be aware of nor care that these events took place. Otherwise, the wall becomes a moving patrician that you will constantly be building up and taking down.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I hope you can block the heck out of him. I know it is very difficult to put 10 years behind you.
I have been around all kinds of addicts and I have learned the hardest way possible that there is nothing I can do for them.
I can only take care of myself when it comes to addicts. Once I got past not doing for them and instead doing for myself I became sane and very capable of having a nice life.
It might not seem like it now but it will get better as YOU let go. You may have to keep him blocked for a very long time. You may even find that it is easier to just change your phone number.
I wish you the very best I do not envy what you are going thru I hope you will be gentle with yourself. ((((BIGHUG))))
I have been around all kinds of addicts and I have learned the hardest way possible that there is nothing I can do for them.
I can only take care of myself when it comes to addicts. Once I got past not doing for them and instead doing for myself I became sane and very capable of having a nice life.
It might not seem like it now but it will get better as YOU let go. You may have to keep him blocked for a very long time. You may even find that it is easier to just change your phone number.
I wish you the very best I do not envy what you are going thru I hope you will be gentle with yourself. ((((BIGHUG))))
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