Missmac35

Hi everyone. I have posted here once before last year about my partner. He has been sticking to his methadone (40mg) but has been lately slipping up injecting heroin every couple of weeks. The past few weeks he has been taking Xanax and vallium and has been walking about barley able to walk etc. It's awful. He said he's taking them to stop him taking heroin but it's just an excuse. He's a wonderful person straight and he wanted this baby so much. We live in a small town and his behaviour has come to the attention of social services who has spoken to me. They are happy I would not place my child in a situation with him like this.
The property we live in is in his name and his family are basically telling me that I cannot make him leave its his house he can't be homeless etc even though he could stay with them. I'm at my wits end and the thought of moving wig limited money and all the rest so close to our babies birth is so worrying. I hate him being here out his face on these pills and he shows no sign of stopping. He mumbles stuff about being straight when the baby is born and rehab etc but disappears off to get more San walk around causing trouble and barely functioning.
I have been to hell and back with his addiction and he has swore so many times he is finished with it only to start again. I'm beginning to hate him for doing this to me when I am so vulnerable. I'm so confused any advice would be greatly appreciated

HardLessons

Hi MM

I am very sorry to read about what you are going through

Your BF is being very reckless mixing methadone with all those other drugs. It's potentially life threatening. Although his dose seems to be fairly low. If he is still having cravings for heroine to the point he is using. he probably should talk to his doctor. ASAP & tell him what's going on hopefully the doctor can do something. To stabilize him. You can't however stabilize anyone who just wants to abuse MMT

Certainly since you are at the end stage of your pregnancy. You need to be very focused on stabilizing your living arrangement

I hope you find at least a temporary solution to eliminate the stress of your home life so you can focus on the birth of your child

I'm sorry you are going through this now. I wish you all the best

Missmac35

Thanks for your reply. His drug worker is aware of what he is doing as he is handing in drug samples and is honest with her. She believes he can quit the other drugs and is just making excuses for not doing so. He knows how devastating his actions are but just carries on regardless. I haven't seen him for 2 days now. He just says things like "you knew I had a drug problem" when he's high. When he's straight he's full of promises and all the rest. I'm so tired. Why is the upcoming birth of his child not enough to stop him choosing this? He has a problem with heroin nothing else so he's no excuse for taking them. He admits he likes the feeling and getting high. So selfish. I'm past seeing this as disease and more of a life style choice. How can someone who is so so caring when straight be so selfish and evil to put me in this position. I don't even know if he will be allowed at the birth or if I wen want him there assuming he straightens up in time. He's 31 not a child. He knew it would come to this and did it anyway. I really can't get my head round it.

TropicalWinter

Why is the upcoming birth of his child not enough to stop him choosing this?

Because he's an addict in active addiction. I've been there. My qualifier chose crack, booze, and a new enabler/girlfriend over his wife and our 3 beautiful boys, one of whom was an infant when the sh!t really hit the fan.

You have to find a way to protect yourself and your new baby. Growing up around addiction is devastating to children, not to mention the damage it does to YOU, and he will drag all of you down into a horrible hell if you stick around for it.

Missmac35

I know your right I'm just struggling to find any empathy or understanding for him just now. I also know I don't have to. It's so hard to make sense of but that's addiction for you I guess, it doesn't make sense. I used to understand, not feel anger or disgust and accept it wasn't really him but I just can't feel like that anymore. I keep thinking he has a choice and he's choosing to do this and he does has a level of control over it.
My father is an alcoholic who I have cut all communication with now after repeated attempts over the years to "help" I know he doesn't want to get sober. I really believed my partner did want to be clean and deep down was struggling but every opportunity he gets he takes to get high even if it's not heroin. He get given pills for free from his drug buddies so he can't say no he says. I find that so pathetic.
I guess the patience in me has run out and I'm glad it has as I know I have to focus on my life and my babies. Just so sad it turned out this way and I feel so stupid that's got myself in this mess. Almost naive to think he actually meant what he said and would be here for me. Makes me wonder if he ever loved me and wanted any of this or it was all just a cover to live a normal looking life on the outside. To have his cake and eat it. Sorry for rambling and thanks to everyone reading it really does help to get it off my chest to people who have been here.

HardLessons

MM

I have my own ugly situation I am going through. My story is posted. It involves methadone (at a much higher dose), heavy alcohol use, IV heroine use, & god only knows what else. All this drug use is long term spanning many years. She lives in total denial & does not think she has a problem. Its me that has the problem.

Ive learned you cant make sense of addiction. Especially given powerful drugs like methadone & heroine. The addicts brain functions totally different than ours. Your clearest example is you are close to giving birth which should be a totally joyous event for a couple & your ABF is where? doing what? That speaks volumes to how differently their brans are functioning.

Please don't feel stupid about yourself. This is all extremely difficult to process. I think I know a lot at this point about methadone, heroine, addiction, & codependency. I am still having a very hard time getting my head wrapped around it all. Not sure I ever will. At one point I too was very naïve.

IF your ABF is hanging around drug buddies who are giving him pills - he doesn't want to get clean. He wants to get high. Otherwise he would run from them. He is not in recovery on MMT.

Your main focus has to be you & your unborn child. I know that's easy for me to say & much more difficult for you to do. You need to set aside the ABF & all his crazy problems. Those crazy problems aren't going to go away anytime soon. I thought I could make mine go away - nope - after three long years of trying they are all still there & have gotten worse.

I wish you all the best

Missmac35

Thanks for reading and replying. Sorry to hear what you've had to go through. It's hell on earth isn't it? I'm grateful that I've managed to break most of my codie ways. When I look back over the years to the enabling I did, the excuses I made, the wasted money so sad.
This time last year I would have searching everywhere for him, begging him to see sense, calling everyone. I could care less about even thinking that way now. You get so sick and tired of being sick and tired yourself that your feelings just die.
You are so right about the way of thinking. He doesn't want to really get clean I know that deep down I do. It's sinking in more and more everyday. The hardest part is the reality that I will be a single mum to a newborn baby and I'm scared and angry about that. Resentful that he gets to run away and get high and abandon us and his responsibility. It's hard reality to face.

HardLessons

There is a saying on these forums which I think about all the time:

Recovery looks like recovery
Active addiction looks like active addiction
Denial (which goes hand in hand with active addiction) looks like denial

I thought about my addict in the above context this morning. Although she wont admit she's currently an addict - in her case addiction clearly looks like addiction. She's not in recovery. She is in deep denial.

Your BF is not in recovery - he is an active addict. It is what it is.

Yes he gets to run away, hide, get high, & abandon his responsibilities. That's what addicts do. He is living the life of an addict its a horrible life for him. That life is going nowhere fast.

This is all very sad & its all a very hard reality to face. Your not alone. I have been there & am up to my eyeballs dealing with it all day everyday now.

Take care

Missmac35

Tragic isn't it? How they can cause this much heartache and hurt. I'm a very private person and he was supposed to be supporting me through my c section and recovery and I don't want anyone else with me so will be doing it alone now

HardLessons

I know the feeling of being alone I have no children or family. No GF.

My addict was may entire personal life for the past years.

I felt very sad when I read you will be giving birth alone. I am very sorry your going through this. I do fully understand the feeling of being alone & struggling with all this crazy stuff.

Sodevastated

Hi MissMac,

I'm so incredibly sorry for what you're experiencing. I just want you to know that you're not alone. There are many women on this board who've been left alone pregnant/single mom's and providers. I'm one of them too. Long story short, my AH OD'ed and died last year and I was left alone 4 months pregnant. I was and still am very disappointed and heartbroken because my AH cared more about getting high than about me and the baby. My mother was there when I gave birth to my son. It felt good not being alone. Maybe there's someone who could be there with you so you don't have to do it alone? I didn't sign up for this, this awful experience and becoming a single mom and neither did you. But it is what it is and we have to take our responsibilty, care for and love our children. They will appreciate it. Let your child be your sunshine. My son is the sunshine in my life. I feel bad but he gives me strenght. I hope your child will give you some strenght too. Take care of you and your child.

Sending you hugs,
SoDev

Missmac35

Oh I'm so so sorry to hear that. What an incredibly strong woman you are. I can't imagine how devastating that must have been do you to go through and to still deal with. Thankyou for your words of support and encouragement and if you can get through that I can get through this. He actually came back tonight and I have asked him to leave but because it's his house he is refusing so I'm on the couch. He is full of the same old bs "I will get clean , go to the gym blah blah " I have nothing but disgust for the feeble selfish weak person he is and that's all I see when I look at him. He's still slightly high or coming down. He revolts me. I just need to bide my time until I can get my own place or he signs the tenancy over to me

atalose

I think now is the time to have empathy and understanding for yourself and unborn baby.

Do you have family or friends you can go stay with? I'd be worried that he's on social services radar and you are choosing to stay in that environment possible with a baby. Maybe you could go to social services to see what kind of help they may be able to offer you until you are able to get on your own two feet.

Sodevastated

What I've learnt on here is: don't trust their words,look at their actions. My AH promised he would stay clean too, which I thought he did, until he died and the truth was revealed.Trust your gut too. To me it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near recovery. I agree with Atalose, try to find somewhere else to stay if possible. You need some piece and quiet prior to the birth and to get out of the insanity he's putting you through.

I'm not a strong woman. You just gotta do what you gotta do and survive day by day. Staying alive. I wouldn't have made it without my son and I believe your child will give you strenght to survive too.

PhoenixJ

active addiction sums it up.....

It took a destroyed shoulder, 4th degree burns to 20% of my body, then homelessness to get me to stop drinking...AND being disowned by my entire family. You have your safety and that of your baby to look after. Active addiction takes no prisoners.
My compassion, empathy and support to you.

AnvilheadII

We live in a small town and his behaviour has come to the attention of social services who has spoken to me.

this is very serious. if you continue to live with him and have the baby in the house with him, you are exposed to risk of social services intervening. if it's his family's home, then i wouldn't go the route of trying to kick HIM out. you have little time left - do you have family nearby? are you able to support yourself?

Missmac35

Social services called me and I went along and told them everything. I told I wanted out and away and for him to leave us well alone and baby and my wellbeing come first. They are satisfied that I am serious however money is the issue. I have spent the savings I had in baby items and at such short notice I have noway of gathering a deposit or months rent together now. They want to speak to him to see if he will sign a mandate to move out and stay away until baby is here and I get a new house or sign the tenancy over to me. We don't know if he will do this. It's his tenancy but all my furniture and I have a 10 year old son too who I don't want to uproot to a bed and breakfast while they try and find us emergency accommodation. It could take up to 3 months for that to happen and I refuse to come home after surgery with a newborn to a run down hostel cause that loser has put us in this mess. He should leave and do the right thing

Missmac35

He says the house is mine he will go but all this is when he is high and I know he thinks I'm bluffing again. I wish more than anything I had my own place to go to right now. He needs me to enable him so doesn't want us to split up so who knows if would really sign the house over. It's all a big mess. The local authority housing is full and there is nothing they can offer me except a hostel until something comes up and they have advised me to stay put if I possibly can. The social worker agrees a hostel in my situation is a bad idea. I'm just hoping something comes up soon. In a weird way though I'm sort of glad this has all happened as its truely forced me to open my eyes to the person he is. I can't pretend he's not an active addict, I can't pretend he's not using and abusing me and that its so unhealthy and how unhappy I am. Even when things are great the trust was gone and you are always waiting on tender hooks for the next relapse and your world to collapse around you again. My family have no room for us and friends all have their own families so can't stay with anyone else sadly

Missmac35

So a wee update. He came back straighten up begging for a chance to put thing right etc and all the rest. In my head I had no expectations but my hormonal pregnant heart wanted to believe so badly that this was going to be him straight to at least support me through the last few weeks and the birth and would mean I could stay in this house etc. Well after 4 days of being totally fine we went out and bought a gift for his nieces birthday. He seemed a bit quiet when driving and was a bit slow but swore down he was clean. Long story short he nearly killed us but turning into oncoming traffic and admitted that he had taken Xanax an hour earlier "cause I found one" I was so angry and slept on the couch. He woke up at 5am this morning and had pissed all over the bed and was still high as a kite.
In assuming he has swapped heroin for Xanax now and I'm pissed with myself for allowing him to do this to me again but that's my responsibility. Just more proof that when an addict moves their lips they are lying. He is soo so convincing about wanting to stay clean and how much he loves us and how he is going to look after me and the baby and all the rest. This morning he just said I will go and stay away and you stay here and that was that. I'm so angry how he just gets to walk away even though of course that's best. Gggrrrrrrr I hate addicts right now!!

JustAnotherDay

Never trust him to watch your child alone. Never get in a car with him driving. Stay safe. Never trust an active addict and be cautious even when they are sober.