CanadianRose

Even if "drugs" were an excuse for this, I love myself too much to be with someone who is capable of doing this to me. I love myself too much to look myself in the mirror knowing that I accepted this.

SoberLeigh

I am so very, very sorry, Deelilah.

Please do what is best for you.

As others have said, please see a doctor right away.

Are you able to stay with a friend for a while?

CanadianRose

I think he needs to stay with a friend for a while, lol. If I have to, I have my parents who will take me in. Just hate to relocate the kids.

SoberLeigh

You are not HIS mistakes, Deelilah; you are a good person.

CanadianRose

I just feel like I wasted all that love for 5 years. I threw it away on someone who couldn't appreciate it and didn't deserve it.

Jaeger

Dee,
I am so sorry. You are not stupid. You are a kind, intelligent and strong woman that will survive this. He is not worth doing something over that you will regret later. Keep posting, keep talking and taking deep breaths. Can you go somewhere before he gets home to think? Can you call your doctor and get an appointment? Pause, pray and proceed.
Praying for you my friend!

CanadianRose

I mean...I took this seriously. You know, adult life. Get married, support one another emotionally, buy a house, raise kids, work and pay bills...you know, life. I came at this from a grown-up point of view.

I was delusional. I thought two of us came at this from an adult point of view. It was only me, all that time. I was alone in this marriage. He was in...some kind of situation...but it wasn't an adult life. I didn't marry a grown man. That I thought I had says something about me.

The damage this is going to do to me is reinforce the counterdependent "I don't need anyone, I can do everything myself, I can't trust anyone to take care of my needs" crap that is already there. To hell with it. I'll have dogs and booty-calls. Love hurts way too much.

PhoenixJ

CanadianRose

Already called and have an appointment. Gross that I have to do that. Gross. I feel contaminated. I had to take a shower to wash any vestige of him off of me. I had sex with him last night. Why? I don't want to leave. I want to talk to him when he gets home. Get this crap out in the open. I'm tired of being the dumbass who goes around ignorant of this, acting all loving and supportive. I know, I'm not actually a dumbass. I have to stop saying that. My pride is all beaten up. My god, he came home after doing that and looked me in the eye. I couldn't have done that to him. He deserved me doing that to him.

SoberLeigh

I agree; he should be the one to go.

SoberLeigh

I am so very, Deelilah.

He IS wrong; you are not.

You are a good person; he did this; you did not.

CanadianRose

Thank you. It helps to hear that.

hopeful4

DRUGS DO NOT EXCUSE THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. Do not waiver on that for one second. Not one.

Get out. Go, get tested. Now. Go to a clinic if you have to, walk in, tell them the truth. They will help you through that and know what all to test for.

Sending huge hugs to you.

CanadianRose

NO they do not. One entry says "Slept with many women while with 2nd wife". MANY. MANY. You hear me, MANY. **** HIM.

I wish I had been a cheater.

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry, Deelilah.

He is not worthy of your agony; he is not worthy of your tears.

AnvilheadII

no you don't - you're just mad and hurt and feeling violated. you are NOT him, you have morals and ethics and you will RISE ABOVE.

i am so very sorry. at least now there are no illusions. which sux, but gives you sense of direction.

we are here for you.

AnvilheadII

well his suitcase should still be handy from his trip to rehab....that and a couple of hefty bags should fill out the luggage just fine.

CanadianRose

It does. I am so glad I plotted out Plans B-D. Now to decide which one to go with. While I await his return, I'm searching homes currently for sale. I see a few possibilities.

All his talk of self-hate and fear of rejection and his actions BEG for rejection. Maybe I should turn it around. He's a complete dumbass to have me as a wife and screw it up like that. He's a complete idiot to throw away my love and support. What a f*cking moron to have it all and not appreciate it. God he's stupid. There are things that he should hate himself for. I thought his self-hatred was delusional all this time.

cynical one

There is no reason to have a confrontation. There will be crocodile tears and then like a flip of a switch...it will all be your fault. And, you will come away feeling even worse than you do right now. I would pack his crap up in crackhead suitcases (garbage bags) put them on the front porch and place the journal on top (after making copies of any pages that will help you with the divorce and more importantly child custody). Now that you know...is now the time to play smart.

CanadianRose

Amen. Now I'm super glad I let him come straight home. I NEEDED to know this bigtime. Sometimes it's YAY for snooping.