markinlondon

Hi Everyone.

My wife has been in rehab 3 months now, for cocaine addiction, gambling, prescription meds the lot, plus underlying mental health issues.

First few weeks were very tough of course, but into month 2 she really stabilised, called regular, wrote lovely letters saying how hard it is, but worth it, and how good our relationship will be when she returns. (1 year rehab)

Month 3.

In the middle of a very nice call, her tone suddenly changes. "you are the reason im on drugs"

which of course is not true, she had on and off drug and addiction issues from the age of 11. I met her in an "off" period.

of course this erupted the call a bit when i said no one apart from you is responsible.

A week later she is asking me what making amends is, and empathy and integrity. (shes not good with meanings!) i of course read from the dictionary too her. She erupted!! its your fault! if I had been single I never would be on drugs!

Sunday. I receive her call. She is great! really bright! then says, "good news, im not an addict anymore, come pick me up!" of course i refused saying her treatment isnt over yet,

OMG, i get called every foul abusive name under the sun! to the extreme. Then she says she wants me to move out the house as if she is single she wont use, its my fault , as i am just there!! she cant give specifics, never has.

It all went really bad. Of course I was concerned so rang the rehab. Apparently her mum had called her. Her mum was the one that gave her alcohol at 11. Her mums biggest fear is her being kicked out by me and going to their house. So i think she has planted some seeds that "im bad" when she really knows she sowed the seeds 30 years ago.

My wife told her sister though a few days before she was scared i didnt want her home!!?

The rehab said she was settled and fine and to call back to speak to a worker tommorrow at 10. I did, and my wife was working admin and got the call!! she got in trouble. A staff member then told me to call back today as the key worker was off.

I called back, my wife is on the desk again, gets in trouble again!! not my bloody fault or hers, but then calls me a stalker, and im harrassing her..

i was only doing what i was told to do.

So i look like the bad man now.
Im at home, i had to leave work so she could go, looking after her kids, who one is not mine. on very little money, and feeling lonely, sad and now bloody rejected and its not my fault!

is this common 3 months in? a drug worker said it cant be withdrawal as she is past that???????????? what after 3 months after long term cocaine use??

Is it the blame thing, its bloody destroying me all this. I thought rehab would give me some respite. Im going to drug family group, even a co dependency group, I working out, decorating and working on myself. But all this is just so hard to understand. Especially being made to feel like a bloody stalker by the staff there! and her.

Any help greatly received. especially about month 3!

mark in a very depressing and sad London.

AnvilheadII

oh mark, so sorry for everything....close to home and around your home.

to be honest, it sounds like your wife has some glaring mental health issues going on. the sudden mood swings, lashing out, blaming you with an almost paranoid ferver.

i'd suggest you quit calling or taking calls for a bit. let things cool down. plus you don't need any more verbal bashing, nor to be blamed for HER addiction. you deserve some peace.

imagine the chaos if she's only been in a 28 day facility and had been out and back home for the last two months! yikes!

markinlondon

Hi Anvil, yes she has BPD. Great eh! so showing black and white thinking, cant accept responsibility , blame etc. The rehab really do not understand BPD! they take all she says at face value. even after 3 months I had to explain some of her issues to them, as the BPD sufferer does like to whitewash and blame.

AnvilheadII

that's a shame they do not understand the mental health component. that complicates matters and allows her to be more manipulative with the staff. but it is what it is.

a year is a long time. are you sure you want to go thru with all of this? have you honestly asked yourself WHY, and if it is really in your best interest? i'm not saying RUN, i'm just asking if you have taken the time to think about what is best FOR MARK.

zoso77

Mark...what does your gut tell you to do?

Palehorse82

First so sorry to hear you are suffering. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Look at all the wonderful things you are doing. And remember just because someone else says you are a bully or stalker doesn't necessarily make that true.

tomsteve

ok, im confused. i read this:
"I called back, my wife is on the desk again, gets in trouble again!! not my bloody fault or hers, but then calls me a stalker, and im harrassing her.."

then this:
" Especially being made to feel like a bloody stalker by the staff there!"

wasnt it your wife that called you a stalker? which im pretty certain it was and not the staff.
think about it- shes getting in trouble for answering the phone- she is NOT working the desk/admin nor would ANY rehab allow a client/patient to answer phones in the office.
she got in trouble for it. do you really believe she was scheduled to or given the job to answer phones? someone thats a patient and has absolutely no training nor experience of working at a rehab?
whats going on with her is hard to say, BPD is a bitch, but so it addiction- even clean an addict can look for ANY excuse for the ******** in their lives- they can be in denial and blame everyone and everything- its the world thats the problem and not them! personal experience of being a practicing addict/alcoholic tells me thats quite true.
so. onto solutions:
throw out your ass kikin machine, it aint helping. its only you that is making you look like the bad man. so STOP- YOURE NOT.

sick? well, for letting yourself believe that,yes, but not bad.
the blame isnt destroying you- its you allowing it to. its you thinking you are at fault.
you are not responsible nor at fault for ANYTHING going on with your wife.
now, when you call the rehab, id strongly encourage you to speak to the the top dog.- not "a worker" unless that worker is the counselor/therapist in charge of her case.
personally im thinkin of i was in your shoes, id be getting a wee bit upset about my wife- or any other client- being able to get into an office and answer phones and let them( the top dogs) know about it.

TiredDad

Mark I'm sorry your going though this.
Please take some time to focus on you and your health and needs.

I spent a lot of time myself focusing on my wife's recovery. For me I should have been spending more time on me and my recovery. I'm still figuring it out. I can say working on myself is helping.

Take care
TD

markinlondon

Thanks for the replies, Yes Tomsteve, the rehab she is in has daily work schedules, so some residents in groundwork, some gardens, some in admin. It changes everyweek. I didnt realise she was in admin this week, and yes amazingly they let residents answer the public phone in admin, they are supervised but made it very awkward when i called.

Its just been so tough. 2 months of really good dialogue, then such hate all of a sudden and blame, hit me for 6 really did.

I worked so hard to get her the funding for rehab, endless hours whilst she was out with men just to fund bloody coke.
To be told I am the problem. I know 100% I am not the problem, but it hurts to think she really could feel that.

I think, well I know like many here, its just the years invested, the abuse and relentless behaviours we took, the hard work to get them an opportunity to get clean. you think they would be at least a tiny bit grateful. We know they are not, the precious drug and the way it makes them feel is worth more than anyone or anything, and we took that from them, and hence ruined their life.

I think for me, what is lurking at the back of my mind is, she will finish with me. Get clean and someone else will get the benefit of my hard work. whilst me and the kids will be made homeless (her house we are in)

The rehab staff truly are useless. Their website preaches how they support families, I have had zero support. Everything is about the poor addict. Whilst she is singing Kumbuyar round the campfire, rock climbing and 3 good meals a day , i struggle to feed the boys, we have no money to go out,

I was divorced many years ago, it hit me really hard. I had to see a therapist, she said work on your self, move on. I did. She said you will be happy, you will meet someone, and I did. Except that person ruined me more than the divorce.

I have been sending little boxes of gifts every week, soaps, chocolate, everything she has asked for, I sat with her son in hospital last week, her son. his dad is a pot head doesnt do much, and his mum a coke head. poor lad. I suppose i can say at least one adult cares for him.

I can say for sure that it must be hell for her in rehab, and as she has alienated everyone in her life, perhaps I am the only thing left to have a go at. I do feel for her, and understand a bit, but how can a human who is supposed to love you treat you so bad.

hopeful4

One thing I realized after my X went to rehab was that it did not all of a sudden make him a good person. Take the addiction away, there was still a selfish, narcissist left. And, the addiction of course did not stay away.

I would say her first two months was not her true self. Just my opinion/guess. After she did not hear what she wanted to hear from you, the claws came out.

So sorry you are going through this.

Chino

That is very typical of borderline personality disorder. Even more typical is the ongoing need for a convenient whipping post and it looks like you are it.

There is no cure for addiction nor BPD, there is only abstinence and management. Each issue has to be dealt with separately then together, and they have to want that more than anything else. It involves changing attitudes and behaviors developed over the span of a lifetime.

Ask yourself how well you really know your wife.