Un-drugging my home while he's in rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Un-drugging my home while he's in rehab
I've read a bunch of stuff about how you don't do for them what they can do for themselves and I pretty well agree with that. I guess I don't know how far that extends to preparing for coming home from rehab. I'm still a newbie on this stuff. Removing alcohol is no big deal. I don't plan to pop open a beer around someone who is also a (presumably) recovering alcoholic.
I threw out his bong and glass pipes. All three were for smoking pot. He used soda or beer cans for crack (threw the remaining of those out too, obviously). I don't know if I was supposed to wait until he came back for him to throw them out himself (assuming he embraces recovery for real). I threw them out mostly because I was tired of worrying about my kids seeing them and I don't particularly want drug paraphernalia in my home. I don't do drugs and if I am to take him at his word, he's planning to not be doing drugs, so who needs bongs and glass pipes around here anyway?
My real question is...do I do anything to change the crackhouse (I mean, shop) in the back yard? He'd go and hole up in that little building, put empty poster frames on the windows to hide from whatever boogeyman was haunting him, etc. His mom is worried about triggers and suggested "redecorating" it some. Is this something that I should do? Make it "different" enough to not be the exact place that he preferred to smoke crack or is that unhealthy of me? I know she has a tendency to be enabling, so I don't want to just take her advice without asking the wise people here for input first.
I'm sure that triggers are a concern. He had listed his truck for sale the weekend before he left. He said it was because he thought of it as a crack truck now and it would be a trigger. Said he wanted to pay down some of the debt that he had incurred, though I find it equally likely that he was hoping for a few thousand dollars to have an epic binge before he left. I mean, he binged the day before anyhow, but it was cash advances from credit cards that funded it.
So...to redecorate/rearrange or not?
I threw out his bong and glass pipes. All three were for smoking pot. He used soda or beer cans for crack (threw the remaining of those out too, obviously). I don't know if I was supposed to wait until he came back for him to throw them out himself (assuming he embraces recovery for real). I threw them out mostly because I was tired of worrying about my kids seeing them and I don't particularly want drug paraphernalia in my home. I don't do drugs and if I am to take him at his word, he's planning to not be doing drugs, so who needs bongs and glass pipes around here anyway?
My real question is...do I do anything to change the crackhouse (I mean, shop) in the back yard? He'd go and hole up in that little building, put empty poster frames on the windows to hide from whatever boogeyman was haunting him, etc. His mom is worried about triggers and suggested "redecorating" it some. Is this something that I should do? Make it "different" enough to not be the exact place that he preferred to smoke crack or is that unhealthy of me? I know she has a tendency to be enabling, so I don't want to just take her advice without asking the wise people here for input first.
I'm sure that triggers are a concern. He had listed his truck for sale the weekend before he left. He said it was because he thought of it as a crack truck now and it would be a trigger. Said he wanted to pay down some of the debt that he had incurred, though I find it equally likely that he was hoping for a few thousand dollars to have an epic binge before he left. I mean, he binged the day before anyhow, but it was cash advances from credit cards that funded it.
So...to redecorate/rearrange or not?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I think the important guideline here is to get the drug paraphernalia off your property and away from your kids.
Redecorating the crack den...that's on him. If he wants recovery enough he'll do it himself or quit spending time out there. You can't possibly remove everything that will trigger him and that's not your responsibility anyway.
There has been alcohol in the house every single day of my 504 sober days because my husband drinks. How I deal with that reality is my responsibility, not his.
Redecorating the crack den...that's on him. If he wants recovery enough he'll do it himself or quit spending time out there. You can't possibly remove everything that will trigger him and that's not your responsibility anyway.
There has been alcohol in the house every single day of my 504 sober days because my husband drinks. How I deal with that reality is my responsibility, not his.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Deelilah - I'm a recovering crack addict. For me, I was homeless, on the streets and then got locked up before I found recovery.
However, there were still a lot of "triggers". Certain words, people, places things.
It was up to ME to choose recovery over crack. Not my family or friends. They wanted to try but it had to be me.
Music, a cigarette lighter, darned near anything was a trigger. It was not easy but I wanted to be done and I told myself "not an option" what seemed like a million times a day.
I have over 10 years in recovery because I wanted it more than anything in my life, but I had to do it for me. I'm also a recovering codependent with loved ones who are/were doing drugs.
Take care of you and your kids and let him do him.
However, there were still a lot of "triggers". Certain words, people, places things.
It was up to ME to choose recovery over crack. Not my family or friends. They wanted to try but it had to be me.
Music, a cigarette lighter, darned near anything was a trigger. It was not easy but I wanted to be done and I told myself "not an option" what seemed like a million times a day.
I have over 10 years in recovery because I wanted it more than anything in my life, but I had to do it for me. I'm also a recovering codependent with loved ones who are/were doing drugs.
Take care of you and your kids and let him do him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If it was my house, I'd clean it right out, no "stuff" of any kind left and to bring anything back would be a deal breaker and he'd have to leave.
You get to do what feels right for you.
I hated soda cans too, my son's crack pipes. I forbade a can of any soda in my house. Call me crazy, it didn't cure my son, but it sure make ME feel better.
You don't have to walk on egg shells, do what makes YOU feel better.
Hugs
You get to do what feels right for you.
I hated soda cans too, my son's crack pipes. I forbade a can of any soda in my house. Call me crazy, it didn't cure my son, but it sure make ME feel better.
You don't have to walk on egg shells, do what makes YOU feel better.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I too think the drug paraphernelia should go.
I like the idea of changing up the space in back, but I would wait to see how things unfold.
If it was a man space before it became a crack space, that could be interpreted as not staying on your side of the street.
Hugs.
I like the idea of changing up the space in back, but I would wait to see how things unfold.
If it was a man space before it became a crack space, that could be interpreted as not staying on your side of the street.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Deelilah 
I'm sure that triggers are a concern. He had listed his truck for sale the weekend before he left. He said it was because he thought of it as a crack truck now and it would be a trigger.
So...to redecorate/rearrange or not?
"you married a grown man that went to rehab - this isnt a 12 year old at summer camp,is it? just that i could see updates and all that crap for a kid at summer camp. i could see a kid at summer camp wanting a call from mom to hear mom say she loves him."
do you want to be his mommy? yeah, i can be an ass, but this man has to start growing up and take responsibility for his recovery and his actions, and his life. if he wants to stay clean and learn how to adult, he must not have someone enabling him to not do the work. the more you enable him by taking care of his responsibilities, the more he wont put in the footwork and the closer he will get to the crackpipe.
triggers are his concern.anything can be a trigger, but they are his triggers which there are solutions for and it is his responsibility to find the solutions for them.
your responsability,imo, is to work on you and maybe even start thinking about your boundaries.
honesty, i truly hope he is serious about recovery. i hope he wants to learn how to be a responsible adult, but he has to do his own work- he has to clean up his own mess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
Deelilah - I'm a recovering crack addict. For me, I was homeless, on the streets and then got locked up before I found recovery.
However, there were still a lot of "triggers". Certain words, people, places things.
It was up to ME to choose recovery over crack. Not my family or friends. They wanted to try but it had to be me.
Music, a cigarette lighter, darned near anything was a trigger. It was not easy but I wanted to be done and I told myself "not an option" what seemed like a million times a day.
I have over 10 years in recovery because I wanted it more than anything in my life, but I had to do it for me. I'm also a recovering codependent with loved ones who are/were doing drugs.
Take care of you and your kids and let him do him.
However, there were still a lot of "triggers". Certain words, people, places things.
It was up to ME to choose recovery over crack. Not my family or friends. They wanted to try but it had to be me.
Music, a cigarette lighter, darned near anything was a trigger. It was not easy but I wanted to be done and I told myself "not an option" what seemed like a million times a day.
I have over 10 years in recovery because I wanted it more than anything in my life, but I had to do it for me. I'm also a recovering codependent with loved ones who are/were doing drugs.
Take care of you and your kids and let him do him.
I have a concern that he is doing rehab because he knows that he needs to quit and knows where it leads, but isn't "desperate" to quit, if that makes sense. He's trying to take the right actions to avoid hitting bottom. That impresses me, but I'll know when he gets back where he is mentally.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Yes get rid of the drug paraphernalia. Pronto!
Redecorating the crack shack? Hmm... I don't know either you or his mother but when you wrote...
I just had a vision of someone covering up the walls with cute fuzzy kitten posters.
In other words, I don't think that's such a great idea.
Redecorating the crack shack? Hmm... I don't know either you or his mother but when you wrote...
His mom is worried about triggers and suggested "redecorating" it some.
In other words, I don't think that's such a great idea.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Ann
If it was my house, I'd clean it right out, no "stuff" of any kind left and to bring anything back would be a deal breaker and he'd have to leave.
You get to do what feels right for you.
I hated soda cans too, my son's crack pipes. I forbade a can of any soda in my house. Call me crazy, it didn't cure my son, but it sure make ME feel better.
You don't have to walk on egg shells, do what makes YOU feel better.
Hugs
You get to do what feels right for you.
I hated soda cans too, my son's crack pipes. I forbade a can of any soda in my house. Call me crazy, it didn't cure my son, but it sure make ME feel better.
You don't have to walk on egg shells, do what makes YOU feel better.
Hugs
Yes, totally agreed on any drug paraphernalia being a dealbreaker at this point. Pot wasn't a big deal to me before, but it certainly is now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Maudcat
I too think the drug paraphernelia should go.
I like the idea of changing up the space in back, but I would wait to see how things unfold.
If it was a man space before it became a crack space, that could be interpreted as not staying on your side of the street.
Hugs.
I like the idea of changing up the space in back, but I would wait to see how things unfold.
If it was a man space before it became a crack space, that could be interpreted as not staying on your side of the street.
Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by tomsteve
seems a bit ago someone had a reply in a thread that went something like:
"you married a grown man that went to rehab - this isnt a 12 year old at summer camp,is it? just that i could see updates and all that crap for a kid at summer camp. i could see a kid at summer camp wanting a call from mom to hear mom say she loves him."
do you want to be his mommy? yeah, i can be an ass, but this man has to start growing up and take responsibility for his recovery and his actions, and his life. if he wants to stay clean and learn how to adult, he must not have someone enabling him to not do the work. the more you enable him by taking care of his responsibilities, the more he wont put in the footwork and the closer he will get to the crackpipe.
triggers are his concern.anything can be a trigger, but they are his triggers which there are solutions for and it is his responsibility to find the solutions for them.
your responsability,imo, is to work on you and maybe even start thinking about your boundaries.
honesty, i truly hope he is serious about recovery. i hope he wants to learn how to be a responsible adult, but he has to do his own work- he has to clean up his own mess.
"you married a grown man that went to rehab - this isnt a 12 year old at summer camp,is it? just that i could see updates and all that crap for a kid at summer camp. i could see a kid at summer camp wanting a call from mom to hear mom say she loves him."
do you want to be his mommy? yeah, i can be an ass, but this man has to start growing up and take responsibility for his recovery and his actions, and his life. if he wants to stay clean and learn how to adult, he must not have someone enabling him to not do the work. the more you enable him by taking care of his responsibilities, the more he wont put in the footwork and the closer he will get to the crackpipe.
triggers are his concern.anything can be a trigger, but they are his triggers which there are solutions for and it is his responsibility to find the solutions for them.
your responsability,imo, is to work on you and maybe even start thinking about your boundaries.
honesty, i truly hope he is serious about recovery. i hope he wants to learn how to be a responsible adult, but he has to do his own work- he has to clean up his own mess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Yes get rid of the drug paraphernalia. Pronto!
Redecorating the crack shack? Hmm... I don't know either you or his mother but when you wrote...
I just had a vision of someone covering up the walls with cute fuzzy kitten posters.
In other words, I don't think that's such a great idea.
Redecorating the crack shack? Hmm... I don't know either you or his mother but when you wrote...
I just had a vision of someone covering up the walls with cute fuzzy kitten posters.
In other words, I don't think that's such a great idea.
Nah, I'm not too into girly decorations. He decorated most of the house. When we met, he told me my apartment looked like a bachelor pad, lol. But yeah, I can see painting it pink and putting hearts on the walls as a really obnoxious passive-aggressive move, hee hee. Nope, I hear you guys. I'll leave it as it is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
There has been alcohol in the house every single day of my 504 sober days because my husband drinks. How I deal with that reality is my responsibility, not his.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
One other good thing about doing a thorough purging of all drug paraphernalia is that if some happens to magically appear again one day you will KNOW it wasn't "from before"
I don't suggest you go hunting for it after he comes home, or confront him with it if you do stumble across it... but if you ever see anything again after you KNOW you disposed of it all... it would just be good information for you to have so you can decide if it crosses your boundaries and if it does, then what you want to do about it.
Good luck to both you and he moving forward
I don't suggest you go hunting for it after he comes home, or confront him with it if you do stumble across it... but if you ever see anything again after you KNOW you disposed of it all... it would just be good information for you to have so you can decide if it crosses your boundaries and if it does, then what you want to do about it.
Good luck to both you and he moving forward
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
One other good thing about doing a thorough purging of all drug paraphernalia is that if some happens to magically appear again one day you will KNOW it wasn't "from before"
I don't suggest you go hunting for it after he comes home, or confront him with it if you do stumble across it... but if you ever see anything again after you KNOW you disposed of it all... it would just be good information for you to have so you can decide if it crosses your boundaries and if it does, then what you want to do about it.
Good luck to both you and he moving forward
I don't suggest you go hunting for it after he comes home, or confront him with it if you do stumble across it... but if you ever see anything again after you KNOW you disposed of it all... it would just be good information for you to have so you can decide if it crosses your boundaries and if it does, then what you want to do about it.
Good luck to both you and he moving forward
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
any "scouring" you do, make sure you are doing it for your peace of mind and of course the safety of the children. but don't think this will "help" him stay clean. for the crackhead, EVERYTHING is a trigger.....so even if you did a complete overhaul it won't change how his head works. and don't think you "found" everything......addicts are very sneaky and sly, and addicts high on crack get all weird about rooting thru stuff (the endless search for SOMETHING) and hiding sh!t. lord i still worry that one day while cleaning out a closet or a drawer or a box in the garage, i'll come across something!!!
you have every right to purge the residence. just don't drive yourself crazy! and be prepared to possibly be stunned with what you find. porn maybe. other, um, devices for self pleasure. just fair warning!!!
you have every right to purge the residence. just don't drive yourself crazy! and be prepared to possibly be stunned with what you find. porn maybe. other, um, devices for self pleasure. just fair warning!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
any "scouring" you do, make sure you are doing it for your peace of mind and of course the safety of the children. but don't think this will "help" him stay clean. for the crackhead, EVERYTHING is a trigger.....so even if you did a complete overhaul it won't change how his head works. and don't think you "found" everything......addicts are very sneaky and sly, and addicts high on crack get all weird about rooting thru stuff (the endless search for SOMETHING) and hiding sh!t. lord i still worry that one day while cleaning out a closet or a drawer or a box in the garage, i'll come across something!!!
you have every right to purge the residence. just don't drive yourself crazy! and be prepared to possibly be stunned with what you find. porn maybe. other, um, devices for self pleasure. just fair warning!!!
you have every right to purge the residence. just don't drive yourself crazy! and be prepared to possibly be stunned with what you find. porn maybe. other, um, devices for self pleasure. just fair warning!!!
Yeah, his last binge came to an end when he picked something up off the floor, smoked it, got a blasting headache and vomited all over the place. Probably paint or sheetrock. I am absolutely positive that there's no crack to be found anywhere, lol.
I would guess that any porn he has is on his phone, which isn't with me. I don't care much about porn for the average person (I'm not opposed to it for myself for that matter), but I suspect his addictive nature could/would/for all I know did turn that into a problem. Other devices, lol, that would be somewhat amusing. His other stuff was in places I knew about as he never tried to hide them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
triggers are a funny thing.....first, they are in many ways a myth....as an addict we assign certain meaning and value to anything related to drug use....set up a whole neural pathway that just lights up helping to guide the way to the pleasure centers. we become our own pavlov's dog.....
the job in recovery is to "fire" our triggers!! and return them to the ordinary title and function. and for the most part that works very well. but i gotta tell ya, the mind sure remembers............
hell i actually have what could technically be considered a trigger here at work! we had a very small microwave before we bought the house, and hank used to cook dope in it. but since our house HAD a built in/moderately ancient microwave we decided we didn't need two - so i brought the little one for our work kitchen. sometimes when i see it i think to myself........ah if they only knew.
my rambling point is...........whatever "trauma" any of us have gone thru, WE have to learn to continue to live in the world where there will be reminders or triggers. and even WHEN they do get some synapse all fired up, we don't have to ACT on anything. we can just Let It Be and Let It Go.
the job in recovery is to "fire" our triggers!! and return them to the ordinary title and function. and for the most part that works very well. but i gotta tell ya, the mind sure remembers............
hell i actually have what could technically be considered a trigger here at work! we had a very small microwave before we bought the house, and hank used to cook dope in it. but since our house HAD a built in/moderately ancient microwave we decided we didn't need two - so i brought the little one for our work kitchen. sometimes when i see it i think to myself........ah if they only knew.
my rambling point is...........whatever "trauma" any of us have gone thru, WE have to learn to continue to live in the world where there will be reminders or triggers. and even WHEN they do get some synapse all fired up, we don't have to ACT on anything. we can just Let It Be and Let It Go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
triggers are a funny thing.....first, they are in many ways a myth....as an addict we assign certain meaning and value to anything related to drug use....set up a whole neural pathway that just lights up helping to guide the way to the pleasure centers. we become our own pavlov's dog.....
the job in recovery is to "fire" our triggers!! and return them to the ordinary title and function. and for the most part that works very well. but i gotta tell ya, the mind sure remembers............
hell i actually have what could technically be considered a trigger here at work! we had a very small microwave before we bought the house, and hank used to cook dope in it. but since our house HAD a built in/moderately ancient microwave we decided we didn't need two - so i brought the little one for our work kitchen. sometimes when i see it i think to myself........ah if they only knew.
my rambling point is...........whatever "trauma" any of us have gone thru, WE have to learn to continue to live in the world where there will be reminders or triggers. and even WHEN they do get some synapse all fired up, we don't have to ACT on anything. we can just Let It Be and Let It Go.
the job in recovery is to "fire" our triggers!! and return them to the ordinary title and function. and for the most part that works very well. but i gotta tell ya, the mind sure remembers............
hell i actually have what could technically be considered a trigger here at work! we had a very small microwave before we bought the house, and hank used to cook dope in it. but since our house HAD a built in/moderately ancient microwave we decided we didn't need two - so i brought the little one for our work kitchen. sometimes when i see it i think to myself........ah if they only knew.
my rambling point is...........whatever "trauma" any of us have gone thru, WE have to learn to continue to live in the world where there will be reminders or triggers. and even WHEN they do get some synapse all fired up, we don't have to ACT on anything. we can just Let It Be and Let It Go.
Reading back through hundreds of threads here just doesn't give me much hope. You give me hope, but you and Hank are the rare exceptions, I suppose. Strong strong people. He's too good a guy to go out like this. For now, I'll just hope he's pouring himself into whatever the rehab has available to help him heal himself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
