lovinglife123

Oh no, we didn't talk. I was referring to our discussion above.

PuzzledHeart

OK. Phew!

Wlkingonglass

Hi Lovinglife123, we stayed together because before this weekend I had only known about one relapse. One night after a big fight (prior to his diagnosis with bipolar and the subsequent medication that aided in controlling his mood swings) I ended our relationship - the loss proved the push he was needing to give up his fight for recovery. He indulged for one night then came clean and pushed twice as hard to beat both his addiction and his mental illness. For the last year and a half he has been active in his recovery: changing health habits, weekly meetings that he refused to miss, gaining meaningful employment that he loves, openly having conversations about his cravings and how he controls them, setting goals and attaining success. These are the human responses needed in a relationship to encourage both partners to try. I needed to see him progress one step every day and he was. The tricky thing with addicts is that they have an inherent decision making alternative - whenever a roadblock occurs the option presents itself to use. So no matter how strong they have been for the last however many years they still have to fight that option each time and it only takes one day of less willpower than the day before to relapse.
Also, and this takes more for me to admit - I love him. Taking him back comes with stipulations that he must meet but love is just as powerful of an addiction as drugs.

lovinglife123

That's a good way to put it, and also a sad realization...

So despite his continued efforts to fight relapses, its his mental issues rather than drug use that have been putting a strain on your relationship?

AnvilheadII

Last night he did an oz of coke because we got in an argument about finances

Dear Wlkingonglass - i hope you know he did not use because of an argument. he used the argument AS HIS EXCUSE.

sorry but there is no way he did an OUNCE of coke in one night. however, amounts aside, he's still using. he is nowhere NEAR recovery if that is his "solution" to a disagreement.

recovery isn't about will power. it's about accepting that one can never use again. making the DECISION and renewing the commitment to not using again under any circumstances, no matter what, not even if it's free. and then doing whatever it takes.

i'm sorry you still find yourself embroiled in someone else's addiction. is no way to live.

Wlkingonglass

I'm quite sure his mental issues contribute to his addiction, the same works in reverse. They are both a strain on our relationship and neither make it easy to trust him. The mental issues though are easy to read when they present themselves ie there is a definite pattern to his moods. The addict in him is the toughest to handle because he is sneaky and manipulative, praying on my lack of knowledge about the drug and how it affects him as well as my hopes and trust that the work he has done will continue to encourage him to stay clean.
As for him using the argument as an excuse, yes I'm aware that you can't make someone do something they don't want to shy of holding a gun to their head. So I feel no guilt for insisting to see his finances, my gut told me something was off and after this long I've learned to trust that instinct.
The amount of coke he did this weekend bears no meaning. He said he bought an ounce but who knows and I surely don't care. The fact that he used and said that he used once before a few weeks ago is what matters to me. It is clear that he has fallen back into using substances as a coping mechanism and that is a hard no for me. Since this happened we have not spoken and since I'm also aware that his meds won't function properly due to his use I have no intention to speak to him anytime soon.

It sucks to love someone more than they love themselves...

lovinglife123

Ah...that's tricky. I guess he himself isn't even absolute about making that commitment to stay away from the drug...but again, in the end, I wouldn't blame addicts, knowing it's a disease. It all boils down to how much we're willing to sacrifice and whether that sacrifice is worth it. Love is a powerful thing and only we can decide how it will affect us. I spoke with a recovering addict from church and something she said to me that made me feel really freed- my ex's addiction is not my burden to carry. That realization made me feel instantly better. Why am I crying about something that doesn't have to do with me? Why am I hurt by something that is completely independent of me? If something someone does to HIMSELF makes me feel hurt, something is not right there, and I need to figure out how to make it right. For now, it is to remove myself from this situation completely. My ex can change..but by then I may have already moved on to something better.