My part in this.
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hank is totally ADD....albeit mild. can't hold two thoughts at once. he calls himself a Mono-Tasker.
early in our relationship, we were up in the mountains and found a place that did whitewater rafting....only a baby Class II, which to me was basically a barrel and Niagara Falls! i could swim, but the idea of fast water, rapids, certain death didn't appeal. but he talked me into it. so we go to the site, we listen to the 45 second "how to" on paddling and such, and get in. i'm like, what do you mean i just ram my foot under there and that holds me in????
anyways, i was 2nd from the bow, he was a few people back. and we push off. i'm thinking hey this ain't so bad, look at me! i'm rafting! woo hoo.
and right then, a single person in a blow up kayak paddles by and i hear hank say:
SHOULDA GOT THE KAYAK.
suddenly it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH that we were in a raft on the river. it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH that i let him talk me into this potential disaster. nope, one look at the shiny thing floating by and suddenly THAT is what he wants.
later in our relationship, he was still very much in Me and More mode....first he said he just HAD to have kayaks (we lived in a rental beach cottage on the Sound). so we got kayaks. then he HAD to have a boat. so we got a boat (small, 16 footer). then he HAD to have a motorcycle. i finally asked him, dear are we getting CLOSE to "enough stuff" for you, cuz we are running out of room in the driveway!!!! there is ALWAYS going to be a kayak, or a motorcycle, or a something. YOU have to be able to say ENOUGH, no mas!
he's better today, but i still have to talk him down from the ledge sometimes. TWO different times i had to maneuver/manipulate him OUT of buying a damn Harley off some "friend". and no, we do not need a Corvette! geezus.
early in our relationship, we were up in the mountains and found a place that did whitewater rafting....only a baby Class II, which to me was basically a barrel and Niagara Falls! i could swim, but the idea of fast water, rapids, certain death didn't appeal. but he talked me into it. so we go to the site, we listen to the 45 second "how to" on paddling and such, and get in. i'm like, what do you mean i just ram my foot under there and that holds me in????
anyways, i was 2nd from the bow, he was a few people back. and we push off. i'm thinking hey this ain't so bad, look at me! i'm rafting! woo hoo.
and right then, a single person in a blow up kayak paddles by and i hear hank say:
SHOULDA GOT THE KAYAK.
suddenly it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH that we were in a raft on the river. it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH that i let him talk me into this potential disaster. nope, one look at the shiny thing floating by and suddenly THAT is what he wants.
later in our relationship, he was still very much in Me and More mode....first he said he just HAD to have kayaks (we lived in a rental beach cottage on the Sound). so we got kayaks. then he HAD to have a boat. so we got a boat (small, 16 footer). then he HAD to have a motorcycle. i finally asked him, dear are we getting CLOSE to "enough stuff" for you, cuz we are running out of room in the driveway!!!! there is ALWAYS going to be a kayak, or a motorcycle, or a something. YOU have to be able to say ENOUGH, no mas!
he's better today, but i still have to talk him down from the ledge sometimes. TWO different times i had to maneuver/manipulate him OUT of buying a damn Harley off some "friend". and no, we do not need a Corvette! geezus.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
hank is totally ADD....albeit mild. can't hold two thoughts at once. he calls himself a Mono-Tasker.
early in our relationship, we were up in the mountains and found a place that did whitewater rafting....only a baby Class II, which to me was basically a barrel and Niagara Falls! i could swim, but the idea of fast water, rapids, certain death didn't appeal. but he talked me into it. so we go to the site, we listen to the 45 second "how to" on paddling and such, and get in. i'm like, what do you mean i just ram my foot under there and that holds me in????
anyways, i was 2nd from the bow, he was a few people back. and we push off. i'm thinking hey this ain't so bad, look at me! i'm rafting! woo hoo.
and right then, a single person in a blow up kayak paddles by and i hear hank say:
SHOULDA GOT THE KAYAK.
suddenly it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH that we were in a raft on the river. it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH that i let him talk me into this potential disaster. nope, one look at the shiny thing floating by and suddenly THAT is what he wants.
later in our relationship, he was still very much in Me and More mode....first he said he just HAD to have kayaks (we lived in a rental beach cottage on the Sound). so we got kayaks. then he HAD to have a boat. so we got a boat (small, 16 footer). then he HAD to have a motorcycle. i finally asked him, dear are we getting CLOSE to "enough stuff" for you, cuz we are running out of room in the driveway!!!! there is ALWAYS going to be a kayak, or a motorcycle, or a something. YOU have to be able to say ENOUGH, no mas!
he's better today, but i still have to talk him down from the ledge sometimes. TWO different times i had to maneuver/manipulate him OUT of buying a damn Harley off some "friend". and no, we do not need a Corvette! geezus.
early in our relationship, we were up in the mountains and found a place that did whitewater rafting....only a baby Class II, which to me was basically a barrel and Niagara Falls! i could swim, but the idea of fast water, rapids, certain death didn't appeal. but he talked me into it. so we go to the site, we listen to the 45 second "how to" on paddling and such, and get in. i'm like, what do you mean i just ram my foot under there and that holds me in????
anyways, i was 2nd from the bow, he was a few people back. and we push off. i'm thinking hey this ain't so bad, look at me! i'm rafting! woo hoo.
and right then, a single person in a blow up kayak paddles by and i hear hank say:
SHOULDA GOT THE KAYAK.
suddenly it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH that we were in a raft on the river. it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH that i let him talk me into this potential disaster. nope, one look at the shiny thing floating by and suddenly THAT is what he wants.
later in our relationship, he was still very much in Me and More mode....first he said he just HAD to have kayaks (we lived in a rental beach cottage on the Sound). so we got kayaks. then he HAD to have a boat. so we got a boat (small, 16 footer). then he HAD to have a motorcycle. i finally asked him, dear are we getting CLOSE to "enough stuff" for you, cuz we are running out of room in the driveway!!!! there is ALWAYS going to be a kayak, or a motorcycle, or a something. YOU have to be able to say ENOUGH, no mas!
he's better today, but i still have to talk him down from the ledge sometimes. TWO different times i had to maneuver/manipulate him OUT of buying a damn Harley off some "friend". and no, we do not need a Corvette! geezus.
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Heh, I opened his mail. Mr. I Really Am Trying To Quit But The Cravings Keep Catching Me Off-Guard applied and received a new credit card and in a separate envelope received the PIN number that he apparently had requested to draw out cash advances. Likely he did that in the past two weeks as it seems it takes around 10 days to get the card after an application. He's so full of ****. He had about maxed out his other ones. And normally he would tell me if he were getting a new credit card. I wonder how many he has now. I may be wrong, but I don't consider financial stuff snooping at this juncture.
Since I'm all suspicious anyhow...I might as well ask the question that I've been afraid to ask. His binges have not been more than a few hours at a time away from home. Most times he came home and went into the shop in the backyard. He claims that at no point has he ever cheated on either me or his ex-wife during his binges. Says he can't stand to be around people when high and can't get aroused. Says when he wasn't home, he was just driving around (great). I asked his brother if this were true to his knowledge and he says he never got any indication or observed anything or even heard anything about him doing anything sexual and says he tended to wander around in the woods behind their home when he was high in his previous using days. Normally I would say that a brother will cover for a brother, but this brother has been telling me to leave and get out and helped me change my locks when I kicked him out. This brother is furious and hurt. I think if he had a magic word to get me to run, he'd have given it. He just split up with his wife a couple of years ago because she's an alcoholic and pill addict. He has huge bitterness towards addicts right now, especially those he loves.
I understand that I can't believe anything my AH says right now. When he talked about it years ago, he said he never cheated on his ex. But would he have told me if he did? If cheating is in the mix too, I am DONE. Beyond done.
Ugh, trust is gone. Totally. I was tested a month ago. I'll get tested again in a couple of months just in case. I guess I've read enough online to be really paranoid.
Since I'm all suspicious anyhow...I might as well ask the question that I've been afraid to ask. His binges have not been more than a few hours at a time away from home. Most times he came home and went into the shop in the backyard. He claims that at no point has he ever cheated on either me or his ex-wife during his binges. Says he can't stand to be around people when high and can't get aroused. Says when he wasn't home, he was just driving around (great). I asked his brother if this were true to his knowledge and he says he never got any indication or observed anything or even heard anything about him doing anything sexual and says he tended to wander around in the woods behind their home when he was high in his previous using days. Normally I would say that a brother will cover for a brother, but this brother has been telling me to leave and get out and helped me change my locks when I kicked him out. This brother is furious and hurt. I think if he had a magic word to get me to run, he'd have given it. He just split up with his wife a couple of years ago because she's an alcoholic and pill addict. He has huge bitterness towards addicts right now, especially those he loves.
I understand that I can't believe anything my AH says right now. When he talked about it years ago, he said he never cheated on his ex. But would he have told me if he did? If cheating is in the mix too, I am DONE. Beyond done.
Ugh, trust is gone. Totally. I was tested a month ago. I'll get tested again in a couple of months just in case. I guess I've read enough online to be really paranoid.
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Can you pull a credit report and see how many open charge cards are open?
It's so weird that you mention his brother saying he would wonder around in the woods when he was drunk/high. My ex's brother told me the exact same thing. Said they would have to go out and look for him behind their house especially when the weather changed and it was cold. My ex's brother grew so tired of it all to. He really thought they (the family) were all done with it. But I think shortly after I left I think his brother also had to get a restraining order.
It's so weird that you mention his brother saying he would wonder around in the woods when he was drunk/high. My ex's brother told me the exact same thing. Said they would have to go out and look for him behind their house especially when the weather changed and it was cold. My ex's brother grew so tired of it all to. He really thought they (the family) were all done with it. But I think shortly after I left I think his brother also had to get a restraining order.
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if one knows enough details about one's partner, one can set up an account on certain karmic credit reports. just sayin'. one should only do so with "permission" from the other party, of course.
dee, i'm sorry, but i think this one new card is not an isolated event. i suspect your credit has been compromised at a greater magnitude than you know right now. and it might be time to up your game and visit an attorney.......sooner rather than later. ask about your options, how to protect your finances from what HE may have done. the more you have shared here, the more suspect i am of your husband.
this wasn't some SUDDEN event.....and i believe the spiral down TO this point went on longer than you think or can reason out.
i can't speak to the possible cheating part - but IMHO he doesn't sound like "that" kind of guy....nothing else you said about him indicated he was looking over the fence or thinking he was god's gift to women. however, if you are unsure at all, get tested.
dee, i'm sorry, but i think this one new card is not an isolated event. i suspect your credit has been compromised at a greater magnitude than you know right now. and it might be time to up your game and visit an attorney.......sooner rather than later. ask about your options, how to protect your finances from what HE may have done. the more you have shared here, the more suspect i am of your husband.
this wasn't some SUDDEN event.....and i believe the spiral down TO this point went on longer than you think or can reason out.
i can't speak to the possible cheating part - but IMHO he doesn't sound like "that" kind of guy....nothing else you said about him indicated he was looking over the fence or thinking he was god's gift to women. however, if you are unsure at all, get tested.
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Luckily, my credit report seems to be fine. No new accounts or anything. THANK GOD we never mingled our finances. Perhaps I can get his permission ;-) and see how his is faring nowadays. I had thought to see if I can yank enough 401K out to pay down and refinance the house in my name if we get to that point, but I kinda think it would be good to make sure there aren't any lines of credit on the mortgage or something funky like that first. That's Plan D. Plan D involves a lot of attorney action.
The more I find out the more suspect I am of him too. It's like he was voluntarily committing slow suicide. Checking out of life intentionally. Just giving up.
No, it definitely wasn't some sudden event. I started losing him late last year. He started isolating himself, got more and more depressed, and stopped participating in life other than work and a few efforts here and there to connect with me and the kids. He spiraled down. My suggestion to seek help for depression was met with "nah, it's just winter depression like every year". Drinking more and smiling less. His uncle died a bit before that, but I don't think that was the cause. His uncle died essentially as a result of taking too many pain pills for too many years. In past years, another ODd on crack and died in a hotel room. Another committed suicide. His bipolar alcoholic pill-addicted aunt is currently in jail for excessive DUIs. His dad is sober, but suffers from depression. Addiction and depression are rampant in his family. I don't think he's bipolar, but ADHD and depression are certain. His mom told me this weekend that had she any clue of her husband's family history, she would never have had children with him. Probably wouldn't have married him. Wow. It's a very good thing that he's in a dual diagnosis rehab.
Yeah, he doesn't seem like that kind of promiscuous guy to me either. I guess I can hope that I at least have that part right. Not that he's likely to get to touch me again if he comes back and dives right back into it.
The more I find out the more suspect I am of him too. It's like he was voluntarily committing slow suicide. Checking out of life intentionally. Just giving up.
No, it definitely wasn't some sudden event. I started losing him late last year. He started isolating himself, got more and more depressed, and stopped participating in life other than work and a few efforts here and there to connect with me and the kids. He spiraled down. My suggestion to seek help for depression was met with "nah, it's just winter depression like every year". Drinking more and smiling less. His uncle died a bit before that, but I don't think that was the cause. His uncle died essentially as a result of taking too many pain pills for too many years. In past years, another ODd on crack and died in a hotel room. Another committed suicide. His bipolar alcoholic pill-addicted aunt is currently in jail for excessive DUIs. His dad is sober, but suffers from depression. Addiction and depression are rampant in his family. I don't think he's bipolar, but ADHD and depression are certain. His mom told me this weekend that had she any clue of her husband's family history, she would never have had children with him. Probably wouldn't have married him. Wow. It's a very good thing that he's in a dual diagnosis rehab.
Yeah, he doesn't seem like that kind of promiscuous guy to me either. I guess I can hope that I at least have that part right. Not that he's likely to get to touch me again if he comes back and dives right back into it.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Can you pull a credit report and see how many open charge cards are open?
It's so weird that you mention his brother saying he would wonder around in the woods when he was drunk/high. My ex's brother told me the exact same thing. Said they would have to go out and look for him behind their house especially when the weather changed and it was cold. My ex's brother grew so tired of it all to. He really thought they (the family) were all done with it. But I think shortly after I left I think his brother also had to get a restraining order.
It's so weird that you mention his brother saying he would wonder around in the woods when he was drunk/high. My ex's brother told me the exact same thing. Said they would have to go out and look for him behind their house especially when the weather changed and it was cold. My ex's brother grew so tired of it all to. He really thought they (the family) were all done with it. But I think shortly after I left I think his brother also had to get a restraining order.
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He called from rehab tonight. I had actually been impressed that he hadn't been calling or texting me constantly. He says he'll call every Saturday night. Let me preface this by saying that I understand that nothing he says right now matters. What he does when he gets out is what matters. I know and fully believe that. He sounds like he's taking it seriously, which is good. He isn't pledging his undying love to me or promising me that he's gonna be all better and all that stuff. He's talking about the work in uncovering trauma in his life and how he is jumping into this head first because this is life or death to him and may be his last chance. Talks about how his emotions are all over the place and it does sound like he's doing some real work on his psyche. Says he knows that it will take years to heal himself. Sounds kind of scared, but determined. It's weird, though. Although he drank and smoked pot all the years I've known him, crack really brought out a different level of addict brain and I can hear it. The self-involved attitude. The inability to see outside himself and lack of empathy. Hey, if that inward focus helps him work on himself and stay clean, I'm okay with it for a while. He did ask how I was doing and I shared a small bit about how I'm working on myself. I told him I thought it was smart of him to limit talking to once per week because that would help keep me and home from being a distraction while he's working on himself. He said he wouldn't allow me or anyone else to distract him from recovery. Lol, that's cool with me, there are things that I won't allow from him either. Had he not been going to rehab, he'd have had to have gone somewhere away from me.
I found myself suddenly irritated a few minutes after I hung up and it took me a while to figure out why. I am irritated about the very fact that I am having to work on myself. Don't get me wrong, Naranon is almost certainly going to make me a better person and it's a great opportunity for growth. I'm taking full advantage of this program. HOWEVER, I wasn't nearly this messed up before this year. I don't think I walked into this marriage as a codependent. I walked into it too independent if anything. I overlooked the drinking because it didn't really affect me and it was his business. I didn't need him to take care of me, I took care of myself. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't depend on him. I didn't start doing and thinking messed up codependent type crap until I had this to deal with. This situation damaged me. I never saw it coming. I would now, but I so didn't then. I've gotten quite an education lately.
I was so naive 3 months ago. I remember the first night he came home high on crack and I was like, "Really, dude? Yeah, it's cute and all that you wanna destroy yourself, but don't we have sh*t to do? You're gonna get it together, right? Because this isn't cool, right?" It took another couple of binges and him becoming a different person for me to start comprehending how bad this was and I kicked him out 2 and a half weeks later. Let him back a couple weeks later because still, I didn't get how very serious and dangerous this was. That's when I was getting the I love yous and I'll never touch that stuff again and I don't want to lose you, etc. I've not been through a tenth of what most people here have, and I'm already so messed up that I genuinely need to work a program. I mean sure, we all could use therapy and such for something, but I didn't NEED it before. I wasn't a train wreck before.
So I'm irritated. Irritated with him that he picked crack up again knowing where that leads and irritated at how naive I was about a supposedly recovering addict drinking and smoking weed. I've gotta work through it, but I'm not sure whether I'm more irritated with him or me. I'm glad he's getting help, but I'm irritated that I need help too now.
I found myself suddenly irritated a few minutes after I hung up and it took me a while to figure out why. I am irritated about the very fact that I am having to work on myself. Don't get me wrong, Naranon is almost certainly going to make me a better person and it's a great opportunity for growth. I'm taking full advantage of this program. HOWEVER, I wasn't nearly this messed up before this year. I don't think I walked into this marriage as a codependent. I walked into it too independent if anything. I overlooked the drinking because it didn't really affect me and it was his business. I didn't need him to take care of me, I took care of myself. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't depend on him. I didn't start doing and thinking messed up codependent type crap until I had this to deal with. This situation damaged me. I never saw it coming. I would now, but I so didn't then. I've gotten quite an education lately.
I was so naive 3 months ago. I remember the first night he came home high on crack and I was like, "Really, dude? Yeah, it's cute and all that you wanna destroy yourself, but don't we have sh*t to do? You're gonna get it together, right? Because this isn't cool, right?" It took another couple of binges and him becoming a different person for me to start comprehending how bad this was and I kicked him out 2 and a half weeks later. Let him back a couple weeks later because still, I didn't get how very serious and dangerous this was. That's when I was getting the I love yous and I'll never touch that stuff again and I don't want to lose you, etc. I've not been through a tenth of what most people here have, and I'm already so messed up that I genuinely need to work a program. I mean sure, we all could use therapy and such for something, but I didn't NEED it before. I wasn't a train wreck before.
So I'm irritated. Irritated with him that he picked crack up again knowing where that leads and irritated at how naive I was about a supposedly recovering addict drinking and smoking weed. I've gotta work through it, but I'm not sure whether I'm more irritated with him or me. I'm glad he's getting help, but I'm irritated that I need help too now.
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